I keep getting asked why I chose the word "domme" when I'm not nearly as kinky as people would assume from the name so I've decided to post in an attempt to explain. First, you need to understand that the definition of dominant does not contain the word sex anywhere in it. If one were to say dominant gene, does that mean it's tying up the submissive genes? No, clearly not. My point being: you don't own this word so stop acting like you do.
The fact that the term "dominant woman" is automatically associated with a sex-related act is disturbing to me. I've decided to reclaim this concept to mean something real, not just bullshit play for men's enjoyment. If a dominant woman also happens to be interested in certain types of sex play that is separate and unrelated to being a powerful, controlling woman.
It seems to me that men seeking dommes are looking for a situation that they can control. They tell the woman where and when she can be dominating, and the nurse/woman play acts the part for his enjoyment. Let's be honest... that's what happens most of the time. And you wonder why it's not terribly fulfilling? It's artificial, that's why. And you know it.
On the other hand, I represent something you don't like at all. I control on MY terms. I don't turn on and off like a inanimate light switch. I am what I am because this is my nature.... and it's 24/7. It's not for your play. It's not created or fashioned or faked. I am a strong, powerful, dominating woman and I am taking back this concept to mean something real.
That's not to say I'm not sexy or sexually manipulative. I am. There's very little that gets me off than using my wiles to bend the will of man. I'd say all straight/bi women enjoy this in varying degrees. It's all a matter how we use the power we have to get what we actually want... and that may or may not coincide with you.
The fact is, boys, you're selfish. You don't seem to really care about the women you claim to worship. You don't worship them for anything but their bodies. This doesn't make you an enlightened man. You don't want to know her or care for her in any meaningful way. This makes you worse than the average man. You want this object of your desire to beat, bruise, and use you like an abusive husband.
But here is where you fundamentally don't understand women: we don't think like you, barring an abusive and strange upbringing. We don't look at men like meat. We are wired differently. That doesn't mean we don't love sex.... our relationship with sex is different that yours. We don't think with our genitalia nor are we born with the same obsession with our genitalia. We don't spend every hour of every day looking for a man to screw. We aren't interested in using a man for his body, although it may happen once in a while. It certainly isn't a driving force, or nearly as defining as it is for you.
Where I saw men at their most honest was at a strip club. All the men sat silently in a circle around the stage. The room was dark and almost thick with tension. As the nearly nude dancer swung around the pole, I just watched the men in the room. Their eyes transfixed, shifting occasionally in their seats. Many were sitting hunched as if to lean in ready to pounce. I got this sense that if the bouncer was not there this poor, dangling piece of meat in the spotlight would be torn to shreds by this hungry pack of wolves.
You don't see this at a chippendales gig. It's a party atmosphere. Women are drinking and chatting and laughing. They giggle and blush when the male dancer drops his pants or thrusts at them suggestively. It's not the same atmosphere at all.
So what I'm saying is you are seeking something in a woman that may not exist. It seems to me that the men into bdsm really want a man in a woman's body... or maybe a shemale? I'm not sure. But you definitely don't want what most of us are.
I am attempting to discuss here dominance from a female perspective. I'm talking about what I seek and what I have to offer. If it doesn't coincide with what you seek, so be it. At least, perhaps, you can learn something from what I say.
Thank you for this thoughtful and well defined post. There needs to be more conversations like this. The automatic connection between female dominance and sex is all too pervasive and exhausting for both genders. Men can be "submissive" towards women without expectation of some sort of sexual reward. Offering deference and obedience to a woman and her accepting it should be reward enough for most men. A man's place is where a woman tells him it is.
ReplyDeletejohn
Hey, sister, as far as I'm concerned, you don't owe nobody NOTHIN'. OK, OK, who's ass do I have to kick now? ;) Seriously--I'm glad you're still blogging, and I'm glad you went ahead and defined what (at least to me) was already pretty obvious, but sometimes you'll get someone who's a little. . . slow. . . trying to read this, so you have to type slowly and use little words. But either way, I'm GLAD you posted this. And don't sweat the nay-sayers--they are so not worth the hassle. Hope ya have a rockin' day! :)
ReplyDeleteThe men are responding to you exactly as they are wired. According to the study reported in "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" erotica for men is focused on body parts and erotica for women is focused on stories of romantic relationships.
ReplyDeleteThe site aboutflr.com identifies five "food groups" that a woman can control: life direction, free time, household chores, finances, and sex. Perhaps if a submissive man finds you attractive and you are interested in him, you should encourage him to discuss how you can assume control in all five areas, what your rules are likely to be in each, and how you prefer to enforce your rules.
If he is willing to discuss household chores and finances, you might be more likely to believe he really intends to serve and obey you.
The aboutflr.com site home page indicates they are working on a training program women can use to train their submissive men. Also, take a look at femdom101.blogspot.com. The blogger there (Kathy) advocates continuous training and daily practice. Her husband (John) is trained to drop to the floor in a prone position when she snaps her fingers. She says they practice that several times a day, in addition to a daily discussion during which he kneels at her feet and at the end of which he kisses them.
Let me add a suggestion that you check out the Mens Accountability Group (MAG) introductions section of the aboutflr web site. There are over 100 men registered there studying how to love, obey, and serve a woman like you. Some of them are West Coast, possibly near your area. Others may be able and willing to relocate. It may help speed up your search and make it much more targeted to the kind of man you want.
ReplyDeleteAnon1, I'm interested in the mind, the others may or may not be associated. If men can't provide it is because they are deficient or un-evolved comparatively. It isn't just a "difference"; it means men are mentally deficient.
ReplyDeleteAnon2, I'll have a look. I am skeptical but I'll at least look.
While you are looking at aboutflr.com, you might also want to look at the womens' introductions pilot. You can get there by clicking on an "introductions" link at the top of every page. You have an opportunity there to describe your expectations. The men in the MAG aren't allowed to contact the women in the pilot until they have completed a certain level of study ("reputation points").
ReplyDeleteI think many of the women in the pilot and in the discussions have views similar to yours. Be sure to explore the entire site. I think you will find it interesting and useful in your quest.
I chose Domina for similar reasons, historically Domina was the title for the female head of household in Rome, and Twoo to poke fun at the idea of "True Dominance" because it's silly.
ReplyDeleteTwoo, I mostly agree with you. My concern is that somehow men are seen as the "natural" leader with no extraordinary activities to assert themselves, but women are seen as needing this highly ritualistic and stylized behavior to be "aloud" into position of authority. This is what is ridiculous to me. Thanks for your thoughts. Please continue to contribute.
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