Kink with a Goal?

Is it possible that all the kinks that you are interested are really just the pieces you've put together to attempt to achieve a bigger goal? I was talking with a sub friend this morning about his interest in cuckolding, and he said his intention is to create a state of excitement caused by never reaching fulfillment. To which, I replied that basically he was seeking an entire relationship where the couple was constantly in the start of pre-first sex infatuation. And he agreed.

So, how much of kink is fulfillment of something that is 1) really a replacement for or an unusual way to try to achieve some goal or state of being and 2) completely unrealistic as a way of achieving said state. Using his example, how likely is it to maintain the infatuation stage of a relationship no matter hard one tries? Or even what someone tries?

I don't think this one takes a lot of brain power.

I've also seen many times that kink is also about compartmentalized intimacy, or even fake intimacy, since a BDSM relationship is at best hard to maintain and at worst nigh impossible to find for F/m. I feel that in many cases that men use BDSM as an outlet for bottled feelings, release and relieve feelings of anger, inadequacy, fear, et cetera, but once the "session" is over go right back to bottling again and never truly letting someone in nor ever truly facing those demons.

This is my running theory based on a very unofficial, and amateur even, polling of hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations I've had with men on kink sites over the years. I have yet to meet anyone that has challenged this theory successfully.

That's not to say I think kink is wrong. I don't. I have a very live and let live lifestyle. Two or more consenting adults are welcome to do just about whatever they like together as long as it isn't scarring or deadly. I just don't have to think it's the best way to do things. It's called an opinion, and I'm entitled. (You are welcome to yours too, as long as you disagree in a respectful manner I'll allow the comment to post.)

What other goals might one be seeking? I've heard bigger and better orgasms. I supposed that might be a legitimate reason to pursue kink. I don't see the point in the fake submission/compliance part when the goal is self serving, though. I feel like many women are giving in to faking the kink, so that they can get the compliance they actually want. I've even seen women admit this in forums. So, instead of being steadfast in demanding what they actually want, they are faking what their husband wants to get compliance that is actually still male self-serving. That's a crappy trade in my opinion.

Why would one settle for this? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Infantilism

I hate this pic more than you can imagine.

“No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who is an expert on Christian domestic abuse, told the Daily Beast. “A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”  

This quote comes from an article on CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline).  CDD is supposedly a consensual lifestyle that is M/f in which the male spanks his wife assert his "biblical authority over her."  While I have always had the "live and let live" policy towards personal relationships, I find this abusive.  The article outlines not only the lifestyle, but the author uncovers that some women feel trapped and frightened by what their relationships have become.  It says to me that the bible is being used to trap women into abusive relationships... something that is a chronic problem in this country and around the world.  1 in 3 women around the world has been physically or sexually assaulted by an intimate partner.  That's not a lifestyle, that's an epidemic, and it needs to be stopped.

The quote above also sums up in just one sentence why I'm not really into physical discipline or humiliation to get a partner to submit to my authority.  Very simply: I don't want to date/marry an infant.  I think it's damaging to someone and creates an atmosphere of feeling trapped.  I'm not about trapping or abusing someone I care about.  How could I respect someone in that situation?

What I want to create is an aura in the relationship of safety where a man can feel it's okay to be everything society tells him it's not okay to be.  I'm happy to take the role of leader and emotional rock, so he can heal the side of himself that has been crushed.  I want him to express what is natural to him.

I can't do this, though, without his complete and complicit consent.  I can't step into a relationship and order around a man that doesn't want this lifestyle.  I suppose I could abuse a man into breaking, but what would that say about both of us?  I'm not an abuser.  I don't come to this without my own emotional baggage, but I am not looking to hurt anyone.  

The Office of Violence Against Women (OVW) gives this as a definition for domestic violence:

"a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner."

This can be anything from physical to emotional abuse to manipulation and threats.  I don't want to be part of any of the above.  I don't think taking the punishment for eons of male behavior makes up for any of it.  I also think that acting as if you need abuse to "put" you in "subspace" is a cop out and purely a sexual thing.  I'm not going to be an instrument of your self-centered sexuality.

To sum up, while I do think it's possible to have a consensual BDSM relationship, whether F/m or M/f, I do think it's important for the dominant to have clear boundaries for themselves and for their subs that is agreed upon by both ahead of time.  If that contract is broken by the Dom/me, the sub has a right to leave or at the very minimum the right to question their behavior (and vice versa).  Acting outside those perimeters is a recipe of disaster and will likely end in therapy.

I think BDSM can be a way of working through psychological issues, but it should never be used to inflict further damage.  BDSM isn't a carte blanche and shouldn't be, regardless of what people's profiles say.  No one has no limits.  It's no wonder most of those subs never show up for meetings.  They can't really go through with their fantasies because instinctually they recognize that what they find sexy is also seriously dangerous.

That said, this is not what I'm looking for.  I am not aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation.  I am possessive, and I can be a dictator, but I am benevolent one.  I have the relationship's best interest at heart, even and above my own personal needs.  I think it's important to have someone be the rudder in the relationship that is finely tuned to maintaining it's ecosystem's balance.  I don't think men are instinctually capable of that and tend to be focused solely on what makes them feel good, but I would never tell others that they need to follow my way.

Kink & Inadequacy

While our society spends billions on selling women beauty inadequacy, it also sells men hyper masculinity inadequacy.  The rugged outdoorsman, the dominating boardroom executive, the aloof boyfriend... It's all over advertisements dripping with naked women and men too cool to notice them.  What is this doing to our men?  I think it's making you feel inadequate, and I think it's making you depressed.  It might even be driving you to fetishize humiliation as a way to process these feelings you can't express in this f'd up world.

I think the failure isn't in your inadequacy; I think this is a failure of culture norms.  Part of what I'm trying to accomplish here is a path out of these feelings to a healthier expression of who you are.  Okay so if you've read enough of my blog, you know nothing I write here is wank material, so you must be getting something out of this... Bear with me.

What I want, if I had my end game, is a more holistic concept of masculinity.  This would be one that accepts gays, accepts men in care-giver roles, accepts "malepolish," accepts crying, and allows men to be weak when they need to be.  I want a masculinity that doesn't abuse women.  I want a masculinity that is inclusive and not "me first." I want a masculinity allows my submissive partner to express who he is without fear of negative judgment from his "bros." All of these things already exist within masculinity, but if you want acceptance, you are going to have to fight for it.

This is a call to arms, a call to all the betas pretending to be leaders and hating themselves.  Stand up, and be who you are, because SOMEONE has to take the first step.  Why not let it be you?  Do you really think everyone will hate you?  You may just find that your friends have all felt the same way as you and we're waiting for someone else to speak up first.  It's all the same unspoken fear.  "I'm not a real man because..."

No man is that real man.  Each one of you is a human being!  Each is an individual, and frankly none of us are buying your tough guy crap anyway.  The thicker the layer the more we roll our eyes.

Truth is people will judge you regardless of what you do, so you might as well tell everyone to go to hell and just do it.  And while you're at it, tell your friends that their sexist jokes aren't funny and to stop normalizing objectification and abuse of women.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Sub Narcissists?

I was very keenly interested in a post on HuffPost today about dating a narcissist.  I wouldn't have thought this would even be a topic of discussion on this blog, but after reading these points I see that the fool that angered me enough to actually begin this blog in the first place fits these points to a T.  I'll give you a run down so you don't have to click on the link here, unless you wish to.

Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed?  How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?

Well, I can tell you how.  The men like this are only interested in their own arousal.  They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs.  They don't even know what a real woman wants.  I don't think they really care either.  They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off.  That's about it.

This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away. 
2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me.  He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it.  Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast.  I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out.  Upon return his answer was always that we break up.    That was his answer to everything.  I tried to reason with him, but to no avail.  There was nothing to reason with.  He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.

The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping.  I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal.  Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive.  Just NO.

If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all.  He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).

Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him.  That's not how it works, idiot.  I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me.  If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared.  This doesn't happen in a vacuum.

This is not the behavior of a submissive.  A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally.  He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it. 

I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing.  Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first.  It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong.  But they are loathe to admit it!  It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing.  "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future.  Own up.

Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future.  I am not going through that again.

Internet Dating Blues

Around and around the internet dating carnival ride goes.  I get a message, and it's a decent one, so I reply.  We get on.  We may move to skype or we may not.  And then it gets stuck.  The infinite loop of emails through cm, far too many conversations in Skype, and no meeting.  It's wasted months of my life at this point.

I suppose there's a variety of reasons this happens.  Even I have to admit that I've talked to men that I wasn't terribly keen on with the intent to give them a chance only to decide later it really wasn't going to happen.  Whether it be a photograph that did match the cam image or a personality that didn't match the eloquent emails I was receiving, I understand that what people think they are getting in a profile and the reality can be incongruent to say the least.

It amazes me though that I still get emails from married men.  This just slays me.  I am so very clear in my profile about what I am seeking, so what on earth would think I'd give them even a whisper of a chance.  The only time I made that mistake both of us ended up hurt, and it wasn't at all worth it.

Valentines Day is rapidly approaching yet again, and I am still single after 9 years on CM.  I get why people give up, but will you ever be truly happy seeking a relationship where you need to pretend to be something you're not?   I don't even have that option.   I can't act!

Over the last year I took some time to work on my career, hence my disappearance.  I also had nothing major to report as far as dating was concerned.  I had my heart broken by someone I clicked really well with, but who was really using CM for amusement while his wife did the real breadwinning.  When the cat's away and all that....

I'm over it.  Moving on.