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| I hate this pic more than you can imagine. |
This quote comes from an article on CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). CDD is supposedly a consensual lifestyle that is M/f in which the male spanks his wife assert his "biblical authority over her." While I have always had the "live and let live" policy towards personal relationships, I find this abusive. The article outlines not only the lifestyle, but the author uncovers that some women feel trapped and frightened by what their relationships have become. It says to me that the bible is being used to trap women into abusive relationships... something that is a chronic problem in this country and around the world. 1 in 3 women around the world has been physically or sexually assaulted by an intimate partner. That's not a lifestyle, that's an epidemic, and it needs to be stopped.
The quote above also sums up in just one sentence why I'm not really into physical discipline or humiliation to get a partner to submit to my authority. Very simply: I don't want to date/marry an infant. I think it's damaging to someone and creates an atmosphere of feeling trapped. I'm not about trapping or abusing someone I care about. How could I respect someone in that situation?
What I want to create is an aura in the relationship of safety where a man can feel it's okay to be everything society tells him it's not okay to be. I'm happy to take the role of leader and emotional rock, so he can heal the side of himself that has been crushed. I want him to express what is natural to him.
I can't do this, though, without his complete and complicit consent. I can't step into a relationship and order around a man that doesn't want this lifestyle. I suppose I could abuse a man into breaking, but what would that say about both of us? I'm not an abuser. I don't come to this without my own emotional baggage, but I am not looking to hurt anyone.
The Office of Violence Against Women (OVW) gives this as a definition for domestic violence:
"a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner."
This can be anything from physical to emotional abuse to manipulation and threats. I don't want to be part of any of the above. I don't think taking the punishment for eons of male behavior makes up for any of it. I also think that acting as if you need abuse to "put" you in "subspace" is a cop out and purely a sexual thing. I'm not going to be an instrument of your self-centered sexuality.
To sum up, while I do think it's possible to have a consensual BDSM relationship, whether F/m or M/f, I do think it's important for the dominant to have clear boundaries for themselves and for their subs that is agreed upon by both ahead of time. If that contract is broken by the Dom/me, the sub has a right to leave or at the very minimum the right to question their behavior (and vice versa). Acting outside those perimeters is a recipe of disaster and will likely end in therapy.
I think BDSM can be a way of working through psychological issues, but it should never be used to inflict further damage. BDSM isn't a carte blanche and shouldn't be, regardless of what people's profiles say. No one has no limits. It's no wonder most of those subs never show up for meetings. They can't really go through with their fantasies because instinctually they recognize that what they find sexy is also seriously dangerous.
That said, this is not what I'm looking for. I am not aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation. I am possessive, and I can be a dictator, but I am benevolent one. I have the relationship's best interest at heart, even and above my own personal needs. I think it's important to have someone be the rudder in the relationship that is finely tuned to maintaining it's ecosystem's balance. I don't think men are instinctually capable of that and tend to be focused solely on what makes them feel good, but I would never tell others that they need to follow my way.
