How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 3

I received this message today on collarme.  Yah yah I know I should just delete this account.  I never log in so I sort dismissed the need to... anyway, when messages like the following pop up, I see it as a mass learning experience.  See the following:


Miss,
I'm a sub looking to find the right one to give myself to. I always strive to do everything I can to please the one I am serving. I can be a personal attendant, errand boy, maid, furniture, or anything else my Mistress might need. My limits are few and far between, as I believe the property of the one I am serving belongs to them, and they should decide what is done with me.
I especially enjoy giving myself up to strong, powerful, demanding women who know exactly what they want. If you think you might have any sort of use for me, I'd be honored to hear back from you.


In the first in this series of posts I discussed the generic emails that I have received in the past and the casting of wide nets.  This is a prime example of one of these letters.  Note that this person made absolutely no mention of anything in my profile, offered no distinguishing information to make it clear his interest was in me,  and spoke in as broad and general terms as possible.  He clearly is fishing.


While I understand that it would take a lot of time to write an individualized letter for someone that may never respond, it seems like your chances of getting a response should increase significantly if you did.  I'd like to think that women are smart enough to see through this.  Maybe I'm wrong since men still continue to do this.


This actually reminds me of the man that goes around the bar or party asking each woman if she will have sex with him.  While he may get slapped a lot, he must succeed often enough that he continues the tactic....


So perhaps my plead here has to start with the ladies.  Gals, please do not respond to this type of email no matter what he promises you.  A guy willing to send out this type of garbage email is does not and will never value you.  Have a bit more dignity than to honor this douchecanoe with more your time than he deserves.  He's out to use someone to have his fantasies fulfilled, nothing more.


If you haven't already, please answer a few questions for me.
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As Requested: My Perfect Partner

My perfect partner is strong but soft, deeply intellectual but tempered with emotional intelligence, may not be model attractive but has kind features and the attitude to match, sexy but not sex-obsessed, proud of his accomplishments but humble with me, refuses to be a doormat but wants to give me the world, understands and expresses his emotions, welcomes my support but isn't a chronic whiner, expects the best out of me but doesn't tear me down if I fail sometimes, would gladly spend every waking minute with me but grudgingly heads off to work responsibly, must touch some part of me at all times but doesn't make me feel like it's always leading somewhere, has an artistic side but doesn't want to be a starving artist (not accounting for the current nightmare recession), has a dry British sense of humor but knows when it is NOT appropriate to make a joke, has something to teach me but realizes he has even more to learn from me, treats my love everyday as a gift he doesn't deserve but accepts my reassurance that he does, willing to let his guard down to meld with me on many levels and doesn't run because he feels something.

He would have to be able to handle my sensitivity with grace and tact.  He'd have to be able to think through the implications of his words, yet convince me over time that I need not over think because I know he means well.  He needs to get me to trust him with my whole being.  He needs to earn that every moment of every day.

He has to go where he says he's going.  Call me when he is going to be late.  Be apologetic if late.  Explain the delay, and ask for my forgiveness.  Preferably bring flowers.  And he should NEVER stand me up (ie. you better be dead or have a relative die for you not show up).

He should always be thinking about how to make me happy.  He should learn my needs through our conversations, and he should put those needs ahead of his own.

In a fight, he should NOT fly off the handle.  He should not say things he can't take back.  He should not storm off, rave like a lunatic, or make every fight an excuse to try to end the relationship.  He should focus on calming me down, not me have to chase him to calm him down.  He should listen to reason just as easily as listening to my feelings about things (even things he's done wrong).

He should not want/need a "night out with the boys", but rather want to involve me in whatever activities I want to be involved in.  He shouldn't want to "get away" from me.  He should want to participate in my activities as well.

If we talk about a matter we disagree on, he should not try to overpower me to win the argument but rather use gentle, humble reasoning to win me over.  Aggression in a man is not attractive at home.  A little sexual aggression is acceptable, however, but he has to learn when and how much.

He should wish to hug me tightly in bed at night, and not prefer to have been alone.  He should want to share all of himself with me, all his thoughts, his hopes and dreams, his needs and desires, his fears,  his ambitions, everything....  AND he should listen to the same from me as well.... whenever I need to share it.

He should let me in to see him as he really is, and not the facade he portrays to the rest of the world.  He should want that we be one in every way that is conceivably possible for two humans, and not strive to keep his autonomy.  He should accept my leadership the way I naturally lead, and not how he's been fantasizing it should occur.

He should accept his place as my first mate (sailing lingo).  He should take primary role in the kitchen as sous chef.  He should be prepare to do at least half of the household chores, and preferably the ones I find most distasteful.  He should fetch me things when I need them.  He should be the one to shut out the light at night.  He should be prepared to wear some symbol beyond a wedding band that shows my ownership.  He should put me and the health of the couple first, in his thoughts, his actions, his ambitions.

He should not be selfish.  He should be honorable.  He should believe in helping those less fortunate.  He should donate, volunteer, or both.  He should believe that honesty is the best policy (but be wise enough to know when to temper honesty with tact).  He should love his mother, have a good role model in his father, or at least strive to make up for either.  He should be agnostic, or at least be able to defend a position of faith with something other than circular logic.  He should honor his culture but value universal human rights.  He should give up his seat on the bus for the elderly.  He should strive to know more and to be more than he is.  He should read.  He should be okay with sharing the big spoon/little spoon positions.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 2

If this is pic resembles your behavior when chatting, messaging, emailing, or in any way contacting a woman without her express permission for you to do so, you are behaving completely contrary to being the respectful, subby you claim to be.  If you troll collarme or some other sites looking for any woman to talk to for wank material,  you are a manipulative, self-centered user.  You are NOT, I repeat NOT, a SUBMISSIVE.  What you are doing is akin to abuse, and something women all over the net need to become aware of.

The term "time-waster" is sort of an umbrella term for lots of douchebag behavior, including but not limited to: wasting someone's time with promises for meeting but never intending to and wasting someone's time for wank purposes.  But that sounds so much more benign than it actually is.  This is deliberate manipulation for sexual purposes... sounds a bit like rape, doesn't it?  Maybe not quite that severe but I definitely see it as destructive, manipulative,  abusive, selfish, and exploitive.

Women are aware that men like this are out there.  They talk all the time about how annoyed they are that they got "duped" again by some asshole that wasted their night only to not live up to their promises. Often women will try to "feel out" the situation hoping to catch the wanker before he gets to finish, thereby ruining his good time.

I, for one, as completely disgusted with this behavior.  It's one thing if you seek out chatrooms where two people meet with the same agenda, it's something entirely else if you are using someone's time to beat your pud.  Shame on you, reader, if you have done this to anyone.

I'm so tired of this behavior that I'm trigger happer.  I rip into anyone speaking even hypothetically about sex.  It's unfortunate, but true.  I just don't trust men online anymore until they prove themselves to not be an asshole.

I can't tell you how many times I got used over the years on collarme because I was too naive to understand what was going on.  I'd get a message for a guy with no profile or half a profile looking to "talk" and inevitably the discussion would lead to likes and dislikes (the real wankers usually looking to skip right to the end).  This would just as quickly lead to a sudden disappearance act or a "I've got to go but I'll talk to you soon" (reminiscent of "I'll call you").  And that would be it.  He'd disappear, maybe even block me.  And while I was attempting to open up to this person I thought was seeking my conversation, he was using me for a good time.  So I think quite fairly I've become quite a bit guarded.

I laid into a guy recently for talking about male orgasm (Tantric teachings) with me, partially because he told me something I already know as if he was teaching me something (which irritates the hell out of me), but mostly because he said that not ejaculating was going to make my partner "more submissive" and that he's want to "provide me with ritual oral" every morning.  DID I OR DID I NOT make it clear in MANY posts thus far that I do NOT agree with the FLR orgasm denial bullshit?  DID I OR DID I NOT mention that I don't think that sex has ANYTHING to do with being in charge?  So either he didn't bother to read my entire blog or he was looking to start a conversation about sex with me.  This sends up flaming red flags, and I admittedly blasted him... probably unnecessarily.  Still he was out of line to assume I didn't know what he knew.  That's hubris, and I won't have it.

For the record, I don't want sex every day.  I want it when I want it.... which varies and is perhaps more than the average but by no means as often as an "everyday ritual".  Good grief.  Did I not say I don't want a regimented lifestyle?  Ya know, reader, it would be wise to brush up on what I have talked about in the past to not piss me off in email....  just a thought.

Please take a few minutes to answer my survey if you haven't already:
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I'm going to keep mentioning it until you answer it so you might as well get it over with.  It doesn't take that long, and this one doesn't require you to sign up.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online

If there are any ladies reading this, I'm sure I will get a collective "amen" to this one...

I can't count how many emails, dating site messages, et cetera I've gotten since, I dunno, 2004-ish that sounded like a madlibs job application/cover letter:

"I really liked your profile/blog.  You sound like a _________ person.

I have been looking for a woman exemplifies _________, _________, and _________.  I also enjoy _______, ________, and _______.   Perhaps we could meet sometime at ________ over a glass/cup of _____."

If this is how you go about online dating it's really no wonder why you haven't been successful.  If you have been casting the wide proverbial net to random attractive women on the internets then you deserve to fail.

Finding a life partner is not like a database query.  You don't enter variables and expect to have connection with someone.  Human chemistry is something you can neither predict nor force.  It's not a mathematical equation.

So what's the problem with diversifying, you ask?  (Nothing if you are buying stocks.)  I shows you aren't really interested in any of the women you have contacted.  And we know that.  We can tell from the tone of the email.  It sounds like a form letter.  You might as well put "Dear Sir or Madam" or "To Whom It May Concern" cuz it sure sounds like that already.

If you like something I've written here on my blog and you would like to approach me, how about writing to me and telling me just that?  Tell me what you liked and why.  Tell me why you dis/agree and what you think about the same subject.  Then move into something more personal.  It at least shows me that you are actually reading what I write.

Do not, however, assume that you know anyone simply by their writings.  Filling in gaps with your own wishful thinking will only make for a very distorted picture.  I, for example, am honestly not as angry as I appear in many of my posts.  This is a venting space for my grievances, often at specific individuals.


Please take the time to answer a few questions in a very short survey I've created.  It should take you all of 5 minutes max.  [edit: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22D44C3WRD4]  Just click the link provided.  

Pygmalion called. He wants his statue back.

I happened upon this song, and it sparked the following post.
O-Town - Liquid Dreams  Listen.  Or just read the lyrics here.

How often is it that men are seeking in a mate some reproduction of a movie starlet poster they jerked off to as teen?  How many think they somehow deserve a woman more attractive than they genuinely match?  How many, for that matter, care more for a pretty package than brain or even personality?

As Wikipedia tells it: "In Ovid's narrative, Pygmalion was a Cypriot sculptor who carved a woman out of ivory. According to Ovid, after seeing the Propoetides prostituting themselves (more accurately, they denied the divinity of Venus and she thus ‘reduced’ them to prostitution), he was 'not interested in women', but his statue was so fair and realistic that he fell in love with it.

In time, Venus (Aphrodite)'s festival day came, and Pygmalion made offerings at the altar of Venus. There he quietly wished that his ivory sculpture would be changed to a real woman. When he returned home, he kissed his ivory statue and found that its lips felt warm. He kissed it again and touched her breasts with his hand and found that the ivory lost its hardness. Venus had granted Pygmalion's wish."

I seems like every man is hoping that Venus will grant him his wish for his statuesque representation of a woman.  But what was this woman that Venus created beyond beautiful?  Pygmalion does not know her.  He only knows that she is receptive to his sexual advances.  The story continues that they marry and have a child.  Nothing is said about the nature of the statue woman.

It seems to be likewise in male fantasy.  She is beautiful and sexually available.  She's not complicated or emotional.  She's not needy.  She doesn't talk much unless she's trying to seduce or only on topics you enjoy.  She's also........... not real.  The point of the story should not be a happily ever after but rather a horrible mismatch.  The reality is human relations are really complicated, emotional, and messy..... even D/s ones.  You can't avoid that.  

What is beauty?  Is it what Hollywood tells you is beautiful?  Is it something everyone agrees with?  Is it historical?  Is it biological?  Is it evolutionary?  Is it a product of culture?  Or is it entirely in the eye of the beholder?  

I can say for certain that it isn't historical.  At one time, a woman of ample size was considered the most desirable, and now this culture seems to have an affinity for tomboyish athleticism.  Human beings all differ in size and shape.  Even the models don't look like the images on magazine after the makeup artistry and photoshopping creates the illusion of our culturally accepted perfection.  What I'm saying is don't chase illusion.  You are unlikely to find it.  And the more time you spend alone believing you deserve this illusion as your reality, the more you convince yourself you can wait to make a meaningful connection with another human being.  

A hundred years ago, a beauty was the best of what was available in your town.  Now as the distance barrier is removed and airbrushing changes standards, the concept of beauty has become something unattainable, and men think that if they flip through enough profile photos online that they will find that magic someone that meets all their criteria.  I'm here to tell you that you will fail... as long as you hold standards that impossible to meet.

Women are not sexual objects to be bought and sold.  If you have been treating us as such, you are no sub.  You are man with a problem.  In the end you will not find what you are seeking, instead you will end up old and bitter.... for not attaining the trophy.  You don't deserve us if you think this way.

How and Why Guys Compartmentalize

I found this on website.  The rest of the site is pointless but this particular bit is worth a read.  I think it explains a lot.

"You've probably noticed how men are eager to put difficult situations behind them and 'moving on'.

From your perspective it may look like he just doesn't want to deal with negativity...and that would be a pretty accurate read of the situation.

Men's ability to do this is called compartmentalization.

Compartmentalization refers to an ability to divide something up into segments or parts as a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed by all the stress in our lives.

Because men have little training when it comes to their emotional world,men have perfected the art of segmenting or compartmentalizing their difficult feelings away from their awareness in order to deal with their immediate survival needs...

one chunk at a time.

This is very valuable when it comes to making decisions that need to be made from a rational, logical perspective.

When it comes to survival, this is a very useful skill set and defines to a large degree one of men’s better talents.

It can of course also become a liability when it comes to having a guy define his feeling state at any particular moment, in that...

accessing the compartmentalized feelings that are necessary for him to make an emotional connection with his wife or girlfriend can be a very difficult thing to do.

Because we as men don't stay aware of these separated feelings, we tend to think (and hope) that they don't exist...

and so we minimize whatever it is we do feel–-especially when it comes to anger, sadness, fear, and shame.

It’s not that these feelings don’t occur.

They are there for every human guy, even if it is difficult for him to identify them in the moment.

But what needs to happen is for him to have the desire to contribute his part of the emotional connection to the relationship.

Again, when it comes to giving relationship advice for women, the best thing to remember is that...

when your man is 'in his cave', or quiet and unresponsive, or unwilling to talk about the tough issues you both are facing...

it means he is compartmentalizing as a way to protect himself from feeling something emotionally vulnerable."

Why did I post this?  Because I hear a lot from the men in the bdsm community that they want a woman to want them but not need them.  This is utter horse shit and the above appears to be why.  They don't want to get hurt so they think if they just get their fantasies fulfilled that's enough to complete them. WRONG, dumbass.  

Why I chose the name "True Domme"...

I keep getting asked why I chose the word "domme" when I'm not nearly as kinky as people would assume from the name so I've decided to post in an attempt to explain.  First, you need to understand that the definition of dominant does not contain the word sex anywhere in it.  If one were to say dominant gene, does that mean it's tying up the submissive genes?  No, clearly not.  My point being: you don't own this word so stop acting like you do.

The fact that the term "dominant woman" is automatically associated with a sex-related act is disturbing to me.  I've decided to reclaim this concept to mean something real, not just bullshit play for men's enjoyment.  If a dominant woman also happens to be interested in certain types of sex play that is separate and unrelated to being a powerful, controlling woman.

It seems to me that men seeking dommes are looking for a situation that they can control.  They tell the woman where and when she can be dominating, and the nurse/woman play acts the part for his enjoyment.  Let's be honest... that's what happens most of the time.  And you wonder why it's not terribly fulfilling?  It's artificial, that's why.  And you know it.

On the other hand, I represent something you don't like at all.  I control on MY terms.  I don't turn on and off like a inanimate light switch.  I am what I am because this is my nature.... and it's 24/7.  It's not for your play.  It's not created or fashioned or faked.  I am a strong, powerful, dominating woman and I am taking back this concept to mean something real.

That's not to say I'm not sexy or sexually manipulative.  I am.  There's very little that gets me off than using my wiles to bend the will of man.  I'd say all straight/bi women enjoy this in varying degrees.  It's all a matter how we use the power we have to get what we actually want... and that may or may not coincide with you.

The fact is, boys, you're selfish.  You don't seem to really care about the women you claim to worship.  You don't worship them for anything but their bodies.  This doesn't make you an enlightened man.  You don't want to know her or care for her in any meaningful way.  This makes you worse than the average man.  You want this object of your desire to beat, bruise, and use you like an abusive husband.

But here is where you fundamentally don't understand women: we don't think like you, barring an abusive and strange upbringing.  We don't look at men like meat.  We are wired differently.  That doesn't mean we don't love sex.... our relationship with sex is different that yours. We don't think with our genitalia nor are we born with the same obsession with our genitalia.  We don't spend every hour of every day looking for a man to screw.  We aren't interested in using a man for his body, although it may happen once in a while.  It certainly isn't a driving force, or nearly as defining as it is for you.

Where I saw men at their most honest was at a strip club.  All the men sat silently in a circle around the stage.  The room was dark and almost thick with tension.  As the nearly nude dancer swung around the pole, I just watched the men in the room.  Their eyes transfixed, shifting occasionally in their seats.  Many were sitting hunched as if to lean in ready to pounce.  I got this sense that if the bouncer was not there this poor, dangling piece of meat in the spotlight would be torn to shreds by this hungry pack of wolves.

You don't see this at a chippendales gig.  It's a party atmosphere.  Women are drinking and chatting and laughing.  They giggle and blush when the male dancer drops his pants or thrusts at them suggestively.   It's not the same atmosphere at all.

So what I'm saying is you are seeking something in a woman that may not exist.  It seems to me that the men into bdsm really want a man in a woman's body... or maybe a shemale?  I'm not sure.  But you definitely don't want what most of us are.

I am attempting to discuss here dominance from a female perspective.  I'm talking about what I seek and what I have to offer.  If it doesn't coincide with what you seek, so be it.  At least, perhaps, you can learn something from what I say.

It's time for a reality check!

Gents, let's talk about creepy behavior.  I feel the need to discuss this because frankly I'm sick to death of the "woe, is me" bullshit I have to hear from guy after guy about why women out of their league aren't interested in them.  Listen up, you putz, you're not the sensitive, brilliant but misunderstood romantic you think you are.  It's time for a reality check!  It's time to look yourself in the mirror and reassess your options and your behavior.

According to dictionary.com:

creepy Slang . a boring, disturbingly eccentric, painfully introverted,or obnoxious person. 

While this is perhaps part of the definition of creepy, there are at times a definite inappropriately sexual component to how people, at least today, use the word creepy.

So when does whiny guy become creeper?  When his sexual advances are CLEARLY not wanted and anyone with half a brain would recognize that the responses he is getting to the remarks he makes are not receptive.  If I don't want you, then the last thing I want to hear about is something I did to arouse you.  This, is what I mean by creepy.  If you learn anything in this life, learn when it is socially acceptable to talk about your penis.  I think it's a decent rule of thumb that if I am not already fucking you then I don't want to hear about it.  And talking about it will pretty much ensure that you never get me in the sack... ever.

[Side note: While I have railed against male obsession with their penis and I have on more than one occasion mentioned that I can sort of take or leave a penis given that I and many other women are not sexually fulfilled through intercourse that does not mean I'm not attracted men.... to suggest such would mean that a large majority of women would be gay and that's clearly not statistically the case.  I'm pretty sure that lesbians would be pretty offended to learn some a-hole suggested that they are only gay because dick didn't get them off sexually.  You know who you are and I'm sure you're reading this because you're not only a creepy, you're also a stalker and a psycho.]

The specific fool to which I refer I actually went out on a couple dates with.  While I was NOT AT ALL attracted to this poor, sad fellow, I did give it a try to see past the unfortunate exterior to see what was on the inside.  And what was inside was far scarier.  Not only is he bipolar and absolutely shameless about talking about it and his attempted suicide loudly in public, he's also a complete slob, a diabetic with a really unhealthy relationship with food, and disingenuous about being chivalrous (he's only chivalrous as long as he thinks pussy is still in the cards).

So I admit to feeling sorry for him at first, but then the suicide stuff came to light and that worried me a bit.  I have had a guy threaten suicide if I broke up with him before, and frankly didn't want to go through that again.  But then he turned on me.  When he finally realized that he was not going to get sex from me he let the real him come out and it was even worse than what I previously witnessed.  He was nasty and he even threatened me.  He blamed me for having to fulfill a promise he made and took it out on me at every chance.  It became unbearable to deal with him.

While this guy is very well-read, he's not very good at holding a conversation about any of it.  His tone is condescending if he thinks he knows more about a topic than you do or if you've made a mistake in recalling a some fact or another (tutor by trade... I hope he doesn't talk to students this way).  His favorite topic is music and band trivia and he'll pummel you with it whether you are interested or not.  If I never hear another Frank Zappa tune again, my life will have been all the richer.

After the tragic nightmare that was the interaction with this chap, I learned that he asked out a woman for the first time *in person* without the aid of the internet.... To whom, you ask?  A Peruvian girl he met on the bus that he believe he hit it off with.  My mutual friend and I immediately asked what her visa status was.  You get the idea.  Worse, he actually thinks she's legitimately interested in him.

[Edit (9/9/11): Turns out she was only interested in "saving" him.  She's a nutcase christian who picks up lonely losers and drags them to her church.  Is it evil that I'm amused?]

I initially decided not to write on this person a) because of the suicide crap, b) because I was trying to decent about the whole thing, and c) I'm actually a nice person and I genuinely feel sorry for this guy.  He sort of asked for it, however, when he posted comments to my blog way after the fact, making it clear to me that he was blog stalking me.  I'm pretty sure he was waiting to see if I would write about him... after he unfriended me on facebook so he could bitch about me and then did not at least afford me the same ability.  Our mutual friend agreed this was distasteful behavior (although stated quite vehemently that she would not take sides, which I respect and had no intention of seeking).

What I'm hoping will come out of this is some other guy will recognize himself in this rant and work on improving himself before subjecting someone else to his mess.  Don't be a creeper.  

Comments are Now Moderated

I have no tolerance for stalking behavior so comments are now moderated.  Thanks to this bonehead all comments must be approved by me before they go live.  It's unfortunate that I have to do this but clearly it has to be done.

I don't really give a damn if someone doesn't like what I write on this blog.  It is mine to do so.  This is MY space and I am not going to allow someone into my space to attack or insult me.  If you want to rant about me, get your own damn blog and build your own damn following.  You have a right to do so as long as it is not libel or cyberbullying.

For the record, nothing I write here contains any names or personal information.  I am not attacking anyone, only voicing my opinion about events that occur to me.  I have as much a right to vent my opinion here as you do on facebook, a blog, livejournal, etc.

To the stalker: Your comments have been deleted.  I will not let you say anything else on this blog.  If you don't like what I say, stop reading.  I have nothing more to say to you.  Leave me alone.   Oh and... you've only proved yourself as creepy as I said you were.  Thanks.

Male Motives?

Are men just looking for sex?  Is that really all that life comes down to for you?  Is it all just a series of accomplishments so that you can bang the hottest chick and/or as many possible?  Is everything you do during the day another step in the master plan to get laid?  With or without elaborate props?

I've had numerous conversations with a random sample of "man's man type" guys, even subs, and they all give a whole-hearted and resounding: Yes!  Which I find particularly amusing because I know at least one woman that steadfastly wants to believe that I'm just being cynical to think this about men... and in fact, gave me a verbal thrashing for it.  I worry about her.  I fear her innocence is what is getting her hurt over and again.

And when I find one or two that say that isn't their major focus they try to get their jollies in even creepier and more subtle ways, like the last roommate that had to point out that he enjoyed when I accidentally brushed by his mid-section.  [For the record: I don't know what response you expected from me... but it certainly was not going to be: Oh baby, do me now!  I just saw it as creepy that you had to tell me.  Some things are best left unsaid.]

Another, my ex, said he wanted a relationship.  I'm not sure he knew what that even meant.  From what he showed me, he hasn't a clue what that entails.  It seems to me that he was only really looking for a female that he could tolerate long enough between episodes of plowing him in the ass.  He said he wanted companionship... but what did he mean by that really?  Enjoy doing stuff he likes?  Watching guy films/shitty sitcoms with him?  Not only is that not my idea of good time, I find it very un-sub-like for him to expect ME to conform to his pastimes.  [Look pal, being sub in my world means you conform to my likes... and it isn't contingent on whether I plug you in the butt.  It's contingent on whether you qualify to be my partner, not I your partner.]

I'd say every man I dated was definitely waiting, hoping, and counting the minutes until I put out, some certainly more overt than others.  I don't know if it was because the power is entirely in a woman's hand on that issue or if men really are that horny.  Or both?  While some consider that a power over men I'd say it's weak at best.  I don't feel more powerful for having denied a partner orgasm.  I feel more powerful when he still wants me after having gotten the sex.  I feel even more powerful once we settle into the relationship.  It's love that gives me power, not metering out sex.

I think sex denial is a refusal of a type of closeness/ intimacy.  I don't think that is healthy for a relationship.  If the orgasm endorphin (oxytocin) is what is released after a woman gives birth to improve the bonding of mother and child, certainly post-orgasmic cuddling is important for the bonding of a couple.  If either partner refuses this, it is detrimental to the maintenance of the relationship (including men that just fall asleep after orgasm or get up right away to leave).

Daily Life in the Realm of True Domme

I get asked a lot about what daily life would be like under my rule.  This isn't an easy question to answer.  I can neither predict the interaction with each individual than I can predict the pattern of a snowflake.  I will, however, talk a bit about some of my expectations and what I find unacceptable.

I hear a lot, "So what makes you different from a bitchy, high maintenance woman?"  I find this question pretty offensive.  I don't think women should be referred to in this manner but so be it.  First and foremost, I'm not a bitch.  I don't seek to make anyone's life miserable.  In fact, most that know me would call me pretty giving and selfless.  I try very hard for people, including my partner.  I don't think demanding care and attention makes anyone bitchy.  Second, I suppose I would have to admit to being high maintenance, although my type of high maintenance is emotional.  I suppose for some that would be considered harder and worse than financial but tough luck.  What this means, then, is that I expect my partner to be a caring listener... and that includes if he has done something wrong as well.

I think the relationship between me and my partner can best be described as captain and first-mate or head chef and sous chef.  Not only do I expect authority I expect trust in my judgment.  As I have said many times I expect to earn it.  Final decisions are mine to make.  I dictate the schedules, the importance of projects, and who is to be where and when.  This includes dictating chores he's to do.

I expect emotional dependence from my partner.  I don't seek someone that wishes a lot of autonomy or grumbles at having to check in with me about what they are doing.  If I say to do something, I expect it to start immediately and if it can't I want to know why.  I'm completely reasonable and understand that things come up but that's where he should be checking in with me.  If that level of control is uncomfortable or unwanted then don't seek me out.  Hell, even I announce what I'm doing and in what order with the intention of looking for more information that will help make a better schedule.  I don't just do things and expect my partner or roommate or friends to just wait around for me or not have expectations of me.  I don't understand this mentality at all.

So daily, aside from his work time, which I have no intention of interfering with, his time is my time.  I don't accept nights out with the boys or dinners/activities alone with ex-girlfriends/ex-wives/etc.  I expect that sometimes we would want to do different things, alla hobbies, games, whatever and time would be allotted for that, but otherwise home time is my time and time for doing things together.  Of course, I value quality time over quantity of time.  So during that time I have I want it filled with clear and open connection, talking, and fun activities.

I do NOT intend to live parallel lives with my partner.  I'd like us to be best friends in addition to the love and D/s that we share.  We should be deeply engaged in each other or we break up.  End of story.  I have no time or patience for less.  He should feel like he can't wait to get home to spend time with me and I with him.  If we don't, something is wrong.

I expect him to be open and honest about who he is and what he wants.  Don't make shit up just to try to make things work with me.  Don't pretend to be something you aren't.  If you lie on the application you are wasting both our times because I will find out eventually and I will fire you, got it?

I am the teacher in this relationship.  If you feel don't have anything else to learn in this life, we are not compatible.  That said, I am not opposed to learning as well.  I always listen and revise my beliefs and opinions based on new information presented.  I expect it to be presented in a humble and respectful manner.  A condescending or authoritarian tone is not acceptable ever.

I don't have a punishment system.  I lecture when I'm pissed off.  Apparently, I have a very sharp tone when I'm angry.  I don't feel I need to change for you.  You shouldn't push me to a place that gets that tone in the first place and if you do, you deserve what you get.  If I'm that angry you've probably tried to assert authority or said something really stupid.  It doesn't take much to calm me down but damn well learn what it is and DO IT.

On that note, I am not one of those women that doesn't say why I'm upset.  I'm usually say exactly what is troubling me, why it upset me, and how you can make it better, in that order.  The right response to that is NOT to get defensive or to invalidate my feelings.  The right response does not include yelling at me for anything.  The right response does not include denial or misrepresenting what happened.  Accept what you did, apologize, mean it, atone, and we move on.

So very simply, we go back to the concept of union and the spiritual path that leads to it.  For men, this is a journey of self discovery, of letting go of a lot of ingrained misogyny, of learning how to be truly submissive in the relationship.

Note: I don't have a set schedule for how I run my life and likewise I don't want to be expected to provide one for anyone else.  Yes, I want a man to do most of the chores around the house.  Yes, I want my needs to be attended to.  I'd like most of life to be fairly spontaneous and not scheduled down to the last minute.  I am somewhat of a planner but I don't like rigid, structured days either.  This isn't the army. This is real life.

The Types of Guys on BDSM Sites

I've been noticing some "types" of men that frequent bdsm/femdom sites and I've come up with some names for them.  I think this is fairly straight forward in concept so let's get started:

Broken: This wounded creature has had some trauma in his background whether it be child abuse or the witnessing of a parent being abused and has no idea what a normal relationship should look like.  He's not necessarily easy to spot because if he's got a normal job he's learned at least how to hide all this stuff inside.  He's turned to bdsm to deal with his problems because for some reason he feels he needs to be punished for something or that he's somehow inherently bad.  Well, not dealing with all that crap going on inside has made him twisted and potentially abusive.  Watch out: toxic!

Horny:  This guy is willing to try anything that will get him laid.  He may not be a bad person but he's certainly not looking for a long term relationship.  He wants wham bam thank you ma'am.  Perhaps he may think that kink will get him the EZ-Pass to cheap hookups with no investment of time and money.  He's thinking this is a step up from hooker and less expensive.

Fapper:  This one is only on the site to get enough conversation or profiles in to wank.  He's the notorious "time waster" that is probably married and is looking for something other than regular pr0n to wank to.  He wants to talk about kink right away and that's how you can usually spot him.  He doesn't care what you do or what your name is.  He wants to get right to words that he can pound his pud to.

Spammer:  This guy can't get anyone's attention so he spams every single domme on online in the hopes of getting a reply.  He's also probably a Fapper.

Troll:  This guy is on the site to attack people.  He gets his kicks by verbally attacking random people he disagrees with and hoping he can start a fight.  He revels in causing aggravation.  You see this type all over the Internet.   If it weren't collarme it would be digg or some other site.  I seriously doubt he discriminates.  He just wants a place to vent misplaced rage.  He also comes in "I just gotta tell you something" flavor and then blocks you or "User profile is hidden" flavor.  Advice: don't feed the trolls by replying.  It only encourages them.

No Show:  We've all done it once.  Gotten stood up by some a-hole that either doesn't have a balls or really just a Fapper that was willing to promise the moon to get fap material.  I'm right there with ya.  I went to a restaurant and waited and waited and waited... and finally ordered dinner for one.  There's no real way to prevent this only to weed them out as soon as possible before you get hurt.

Healthy Kinkster:  He may be into kink but it doesn't rule his life.  He's on the site to find love with a bit of adventure.  He just doesn't want to be tied down with the virginal, submissive, vanilla girl that thinks sex toys are gross.  He's got a life, that he's more than likely dominant in, and is otherwise normal and functional.  Kink for him is more about keeping the sex life spicy than a lifestyle choice.  Only problem with this guy is that he only wants to be sub in the bedroom.

True Submissive:  He's gentle soul.  He's probably been given a really hard time in life for not conforming to the status quo or faked it long enough and is ready to be himself.  He looks at women with awe not predatory lust.  He wants to care for his partner like the Goddess she is.  He marvels at her strength and beauty.  He truly is able to love selflessly.  He wants to be second in command not just in the bedroom but in the relationship.  (WHERE ARE YOU!?!)

Any suggestions for more types?

More on the Spheres of Dominance

After some comments from a trusted friend, I rethought the Spheres of Dominance model a bit and decided that a Venn diagram would be more appropriate because each of these spheres does interact with the other ones in at some moderate amount.

I suppose how much you feel the interaction of the individual spheres depends on your world view, religion, etc.  While I agree they aren't entirely divorced from one another I'd say that someone's bedroom proclivities has very little to do with how they function in the public world but probably much more to do with how they interact in private relationships.

Perhaps if Christian fundamentalists drew this diagram it would look more like a concentric circle diagram with all circles completely contained within the others.  They frequently argue that what happens in the bedroom and private realm will destroy all of society if it doesn't fit their neat and tidy 1950's nuclear family model, whether or not that's actually biblically supported is another matter entirely.

I think most of us liberals would say that for example gay marriage would only affect society in a positive way as it would promote more tolerance of differences.  We could say the same for kink acceptance as well.

Anyway, to be continued...

Penis Obsession

I read a very interesting interview on SubmissiveProud of what he calls a "Fierce Feminist".  She says about misconceptions about dominant women: "That we are as enamored with your penis [and the control of it] as you are. There are of course variances from woman to woman but I have never met a woman, vanilla or otherwise, who really gave a lot of thought to her man's penis without first being prompted by her male partner... Men do more than enough of that sort of obsessing for the both of them."  I couldn't agree more!  Every sub I talk to wants to know what I want to do with their penis.  This gets back to my post about men setting the tone for the expectations of a dominant woman and how, I think, men see submission as a sexual act and women see it as meekness, humbleness.

According to Mirriam-Webster submission is the following:

1. a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators & b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also : something submitted (as a manuscript)
2. : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3. : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

Here is the problem.  I think men see submission as partly definition number one with the "act of submitting something" for consideration, inspection & definition number three the "act of submitting to control" and that something is their anatomy.  While men aren't understanding the definition wrong, they aren't really offering most of us women something we really care about.  Yes, of course, we prefer a man not spend all day wanking or thinking about sex with other women.  Certainly, we want say over the amount and types of sex we explore in the bedroom.  Do we really want to monitor your penis all day?  No.


I had the recent ex wear a chastity device to work.  I didn't really need worry that he was porking someone at the office but the device just made it so I don't need to even think about that possibility.  I could then think even less about penis than I already did... not much at all.  And while I did enjoy occasionally teasing him with it on,  it wasn't to cause him pain for my benefit.  It was most a test of my attractiveness.  So I got news for the boys, I made it all about me and not you.


Submission for most women is mostly definition number two: meekness, humbleness.  When we want a submissive man, we are seeking for a man to be humble and compliant.  And while some see penis control as a means to that end, I feel that that doesn't really work in the long run.  I really don't think penis has anything to do with it.  The penis-oriented submission is what men like for arousal purposes.  They are tickling their own pickle with the idea of submitting their penis for inspection, rejection, and abuse.  They aren't learning how to be better men because of it.  They are only getting what they want: to get off.


The pro-domme/pr0n industry is catering to this fantasy.  The guys that wank to this stuff most often go back to "their normal selves" once the wanking is done.  They keep thinking if the abuse was a little longer or the penis control was more constant in their lives that they can carry this pickle tickle into their daily lives and the arousal state will be longer and more intense.  Do you see anything in there about what they want to do for the women they claim to worship?  Nope.  Why?  They aren't worshipping women.  They are worshipping the arousal state and the object that provides it.  And I chose the word "object" very carefully.


So I argue that M/s relationships cannot, most often, provide women with the submission they are seeking from men simply because it isn't genuine.  Even if they do all the things that she asks of him, the intention is not there.  The intention is for himself primarily.  


We don't need to settle for this as I saw many do on She Makes the Rules.  I completely disagree that women get one thing and men get another and that's okay.  It's not okay to live disingenuous lives.  Men need to learn what true humbleness is and that no amount of paddling is going to create it.  And if they aren't interested without the kink/penis element, then they aren't submissive and should stop pretending for it to be.  


I actually had some guy tell me that he saw submissiveness as a sexual-orientation.  That about sums it up for me.  Ladies, we are often barking up the wrong tree and it is hard many times to tell whether you are dealing with a masochist or true submissive.  Believe me, I know.  I think, in general, we need to stop seeking men on places like collarme, even if we do have some kink interests.  The right man will be open to bedroom things as well.  It's far better that he not come to the table with that being his primary reason for looking for a relationship in the first place.

D/s as a Spiritual Path

It's not a new concept to talk about bdsm as a spiritual path.  People have made the connection between the pain mystics inflict upon themselves in the form of self-flagellation and the headspace that pain inflicted upon subs by a dom/me.  I'd like to take this a step further though.

If pain in the sexual context is akin to mysticism then the path of my version of D/s is closer to Buddhism or Bhakti Tantra.  Realizing that we are really part of a great Oneness, losing the self into that Oneness, and serving that Oneness every moment of every day sounds a lot like Buddhism, no?  The difference is that instead of meditation there is service to another, which could be closer to Bhakti Tantra.  If I just spouted a bunch of gibberish to you then hang I'm about to explain this better.

Buddhism, also called The Way, is a spiritual path that is about recognizing our Oneness with Buddha Consciousness, or a collective oneness with the universe.  The idea is to lose the self to this oneness.  That is the goal.... to give into losing your identity in favor of this nirvana state of Oneness.  Buddhism is called The Way because it is direct instructions for how to achieve this... Unfortunately, trying to read the symbolism of another culture is lot like translating the rosetta stone... Very few have the tools.

Hinduism is what Buddhism comes from.  The goals of the two religions are almost identical.  What Buddha did differently is take away all the god-related stuff and focused solely on the a practice that worked on the inside of the person.  Hinduism conversely embraces several different practices including religious devotion to reach the same goal.  Instead of trying to explain the immensity that is Hinduism I want to focus on the practices that I feel are relevant.

Bhakti means devotion or participation.  It is the active devotional relationship with the Absolute through ritual and service.  It doesn't seem in behavior a lot different than Christian devotion to Jesus.  The difference here is that the goals are different.  You can't become one with Jesus in the Christian tradition. That would probably be considered blasphemy (except to Gnostics).  The devotional service for Christians is both the means and the end.  In Hinduism, however, the Bhakta (the adherent) becomes one with god through this activity.

If you've had any exposure to Tantra it's probably either as the kama sutra and it's unusual and acrobatic love-making positions or perhaps it's the hyper sexed-up, how-to type manual for how to have the best orgasms.  Tantra is way more than either of these things.  Tantra is a spiritual path, first and foremost.  It honors primarily the divine feminine and the gurus (teachers) are all female.

I don't want to go into great depth here about the ins and outs of real Tantra in this post.  What I want to do instead is give a brief spiritual base for the type of relationship I seek.  I seek Oneness with my partner.  I want to initiate him onto that path.  I want to act as teacher, guide, and mother... and that is in a way a form of service in return.  I want him to take the role of servant and lover, to live in service of our unity.

The Relationship EZ-Pass

I can't stress enough how much it bothers me that *some* sub men think that if they go into kink that that means they can bypass everything they normally have to do in a relationship and go straight to the sex/kink combo.  What is this about?

I can't speak for other Domme women, only myself, but I find this really irritating.  Just because I joined X site and have some unusual tastes in the bedroom does not mean that I am any less a woman in any other area of my life.  I'm not some pr0n Domme that will only interact with a guy when I want to do kink-related stuff.  I still have normal emotional needs and I expect my partner to listen, care, and tend to those.  I, foolishly, would think a sub man should want to care even more than a vanilla man because he's claiming to worship this woman that is his Domme.  Apparently not.

Perhaps it's not a conscious choice.  Perhaps the men in the kink realm are just more dysfunctional than vanilla men and their expectations are "different" because they can't function in a normal vanilla relationship anyway?  This seems entirely possible.  Or perhaps they are just like the guy above in the cartoon plus mask, collar, and cuffs?  Far more likely.

This leads me to an important question:  what is worship from the sub perspective?  In many cases, it seems to me that sub men have a very different idea about what that is than I do.  I see all these profiles of guys saying "I don't want anything but to serve." and "I have no needs but to serve my Goddess."  I think there's a disconnect here.  It seems to me that it is men who have set the expectations for what a woman is supposed to have as a "Goddess" or most women in the kink realm are just as dysfunctional emotionally as the men are.

I don't really have an answer to this one.  I'm just musing on this peculiar phenomenon.  It's made for a very long 7 years with collarme, certainly.  This last ex seemed like he understood what caring for my needs would look like online but in person he just couldn't handle it.  He clearly had a disconnect between online and real life.  Once he couldn't just press a button to make me go away (ie. had complete power over the situation) he crumpled into fetal position and lashed out at me like a frightened child.

I, at least partially, blame the internets for this.  I also blame him for using work, internets, games, and anything else to avoid dealing with what is going on inside him.  He, and many others, seem to think that relationships are where two people live parallel lives with each other and only intersect for brief companionship and sex/kink.  That is NOT love.

Spheres of Dominance

(My model.  Please give credit where credit is due.  Thank you.)

Model for the Spheres of Dominance.

As I understand it, there are three spheres of in which dominance can play a role: public, private, and bedroom.  Within these three spheres you find the majority of views of where male or female leadership should reside.

Public, represented by the brown sphere, is the realm of public social behavior.  It includes legal and social treatment of both genders.  Currently, one would say that in the United States currently male is still the dominant (in all spheres really).  While laws have been changed to make things more equal there are continually forces that want to overturn them and socially men just still have the upper hand.

Private, represented by the blue sphere, is the realm of personal loving relationships.  Again, most often men are assumed to be leader in the home although more and more women are stepping up the plate to change this.  It's still a man's world and plenty of women, particularly religious ones, are eager to give up their rightful control in favor of lack of responsibility.  Vile, frankly.

Bedroom, represented by the red sphere, is exactly what it sounds like.  It's who is the aggressor in the bedroom.  This is very much a toss up.  Plenty of people who are dominant in their public life choose to let go of that in the bedroom and play the opposite role.  Plenty are the same in every sphere.  It depends.  It's, of course, traditional for the man to take the lead in this arena but plenty of guys today like an aggressive woman, bdsm or not.

Now for me, I'm interested in the private sphere primarily, even and above the bedroom sphere.  While yes I am aggressive in the bedroom it and would prefer both spheres to be in charge of, not having the bedroom would not affect my behavior in the private sphere.... they are completely separate in my opinion.

So ideally, the yellow line represents what I control versus the matriarchy femdom types, represented by the green line, that seek to impose female leadership in every sphere or the bedroom only types that are merely kinksters, sensation players, etc.

Further, I'd like to add here that while I intend to lead my home I do not have an agenda to turn all spheres into matriarchy nor do I seek to make all households look like my ideal.  I firmly believe that my dominance is part of my nature and that everyone's nature is their own to figure out: self-determination.  I do no intend to advocate imposing my beliefs or what's right for me on others.  I think that's a foolhardy endeavor.

That said, in all situations where I have seen female led households they have functioned better and the relationship has lasted longer and with more happiness... but my sample size is small.  :)

Lastly, it is my opinion that the world would function a lot better if the genders were equally represented in the government.  I believe that men have made a giant mess just like they do in a home when left to their own devices.... Women are far under-represented and I do believe that in an equal society we'd be far more functional as a species.

What I Had and Didn't Have

My exhusband and I met in college through the campus radio station we both DJ'd for.  It was an amazing connection.  We liked the same music, television, everything... our only difference really was he preferred The Stones and I preferred The Beatles.  Totally serious.... We could talk about anything.  He was calm and receptive.  He didn't talk over me or invalidate my feelings.  He listened and respected my opinions.  He actually preferred to be lead... and deferred to my judgment on all matters.

We loved being together.  We loved sharing Monty Python quotes and sampling new music found on the internet.  Everyday was full of cuddles and laughter.  I never felt so in love with or loved by anyone in my life.  He put up with my tempers and hugged away my tears.  He took away my anger at the world and replaced it with compassion... Something I will never forget him for.

The only place we didn't connect was sex.  He was a terrible kisser, and he just refused to learn.  I wonder now if I was his first in that also...  It became harder and harder to get aroused by him as the youthful horniness wore off.  He just wasn't sexy at all.  Nothing about him turned me on.

He was the first person I tried some kink stuff with.  We didn't take it terribly serious... at least I didn't.  We were mostly looking for ways to reignite.  Nothing really ended up helping that.  (Sorry folks, kink is not a cure-all.)

I have to give credit where credit is due, though.  He was FANTASTIC at oral sex.  He knew my rhythms and took cues from changes in moaning.... He even knew to massage the side of the clit with his tongue to bring me down from orgasm gently.... Oh yah.... It was like a master artist with a canvas.  Pity that wasn't enough to get me aroused in the first place.

The immediate question people often have is why I didn't leave over the sex part.  My answer is simply that  that was not *why* I wanted to be with him.  We were best friends.  We could do everything together.  We *did* everything together.  We were joined at the hip.  People would always say they wanted what we had.   I was happy to settle for that.  I recognize that looking for perfection when you have this damn close is looking the gift horse in the mouth.

But it ended....  (I really don't want to go into the long story why but maybe sometime in the future.  Let me add here that I am no longer in love with my exhusband.  It's been 10 years since we've been together.  Just trying to show what was good and reproducible in another relationship.)

Anyway, suffice to say that I'd like to find that again in my lifetime, this time preferably with the passion.  I thought I had found that in this recent ex, but apparently I was very wrong.

Who is Controlling Whom?

I've met more than my share of men that want to *correct* my leadership to suit them... um, excuse me... when you put the power in my hands you don't get to take it back because I didn't do with it what you would.  That's not how this works.  You have to trust that once I am in the driver's seat that you will get there safely.  No amount of backseat driving puts the gas pedal and steering wheel in your hands at that point.  Got it?

The ex was constantly trying to control me and my dominance.  Apparently, while he was freaking out about the relationship I was supposed to ignore him and work on getting a job.... um, not going to happen.  I can't just ignore the situation, somehow still offer up my body, and let him go about his day.  That's just frickin' nuts.  I'm sorry, it is.

It wasn't until the relationship was no longer a pressure that I can now apply for jobs here... breaking up or being together would have solved that issue but he choose the former.  I suppose it was inevitable given all the pressure I got to conform to his idea of what was right for me and us.  I just can't seem to get over the idea that he felt he had a right to be disappointed over my choices when his idea of what was acceptable behavior is goddamn unnatural.

We kept having all these misfire moments where I could just sense he was struggling with us.  Some were just differences of opinion and others were entirely accidental things that were not anyone's fault... but yet, I was blamed.... at least subconsciously by him.

I am a different person.  I grew up differently.  I've had different relationships.  Certainly, there were going to be adjustments both of us had to make to start a life together.  While I tried to accommodate, he just pulled away each time we didn't see eye to eye on matters.  He just couldn't trust me to know what was right for the two of us.

He reacted to me only with resistance and fear.   If he had given in to me, he would have finally been able to understand all that I was offering him.  He would have been able to fully express the nature he claimed he had.  He would have had a lifetime of love and support, something he is unlikely to find again.

It's not always easy to see whether contradiction is a means to control or just a reasonable objection.  I usually listen because I'm reasonable but what I choose to think about the matter, if I change my expectations or not, and how I react in the future is entirely my choice.  I'm not the one that is supposed to be molding here.

When he told me that he didn't have enough time to get his work done, I adjusted by not expecting him to come home to dinner.  When I told him that need him to hug me and comfort me when I am sad, he threw his arms up in the air, ranted and raved, and asked me to leave.  Gee, thanks.  I can't believe I was this poor a judge of character.

Let's Talk About Kink

While I don't think that D/s is or should be centered around sex, that does not at all mean that I am not sex positive or unadventurous. In my 35 years, I've done more than most people do in their whole lives.... and I did that before 30. I'm not repressed. I have no hidden desires. If I'm at all interested in trying something, I try it. It's just not a big deal.

Most of what I like in the kink realm is centered around ownership/vulnerabiliy. I liken my ownership interests to the Hindu signs of marriage on a woman. For those that are not familiar, there are items that a Hindu wife is supposed to wear depending on the region to show that she is taken. They often include some of the following: sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, toe rings, and anklets. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a sindoor is. What matters is that I like my own version of signs that a man is mine.

This might include a chastity device while he is away from me, a jewelry style collar that can be worn all the times, a tattoo, and of course upon marriage a wedding band (Yes, I want to marry my sub.). To me, a wedding band by itself is far too easy to slip off. I want a man to want to feel possessed by me.

Beyond this, I like to be the primary aggressor in the bedroom.  No, I don't expect him to lie there like a dead fish.  I want active participation.  I just want to be the one that throws him against the wall, holds his neck, and proceeds to play with an ear or a nipple.  I want to smother him with my breasts or vulva.  There's nothing sexier than a man coated in my juices.

I'm also okay with a bit of bondage.  This ties (pun intended) back into the vulnerability that I seek emotionally.  It doesn't work if the only time he can be vulnerable to me is when he is strapped to the bed.  It has to be a physical component of an already vulnerable position.

I've done the strap-on thing.  I was okay with it.  There is a bit of a power high from it but doesn't get me off.  I think this is one of those things that's better in the mind than in reality.  I don't like this idea of "using" a man sexually.  I get the psychology here but you are more likely to get that with another man than with a woman.  We just don't have the equipment for that.

So yes, I have interest in *some* kink.  It just isn't on the level of hermaphrodite hentai (ROTFL).  Like any woman I want to be wanted, and in my case I want him to be willing to offer far more in devotion than a vanilla man would.

My Vision

What does the word "union" mean to you?  To me it is what love ought to be.  The joining of two people on many different levels.  Physical can only carry you so far.  There has to be emotional and mental connections as well.  Ideally, both partners would understand each other well enough that they can tell what each other is thinking without a word.  

I want a union over which I am the guardian and ruler.  I want to be entrusted with the health and well-being of the relationship and rule over my partner.  Trust is a key word here.  We all know that submission is something that must be freely given and that submission must be based on trust and faith....and to me, preferably love and admiration.  Well, it's one thing to trust someone in the bedroom for a brief duration of play and something else to trust someone to rule you as a person.

This requires something many "subs" are not capable of being: selfless.  It also requires a certain amount of dependency that men have a really hard time with.  If you expect to be fully autonomous while being in a relationship, you are not the type I am looking for at all.

I want a symbiotic relationship.  Where both partners can be truly open and free to share their feelings and accept the love and affection of the other.  I want to be trusted to be let inside to see the frightened, helpless creature he hides away from the rest of the world.  I want to be able to share that part of me as well and to know that we can count on each other to cradle each other when needed.

Yes, I'm comfortable being the strong one most of the time.  I can carry that burden with ease and grace. I can move mountains for the one who will love me completely.  I just need to be able to be emotional and sensitive.... the way I really am.  I need to be appreciated and reassured.  I need to be listened to and treated with respect.

I don't need a knight in shining armor that hides his feelings and provides physical comforts for me.  While yes, physical comforts are fine and dandy... but they are only half the man I need.  The emotional comes first.  Without that the rest is hollow.

Need vs Want

If you've browsed enough collarme profiles you'll notice a bunch of trendy sayings that people latch onto.  Perhaps trendy is the wrong word.  Maybe I should go with.... copycat.  It seems far more honest.  The one that is pissing me today is "I don't want you to need me.  I want you to want me." Now, let me explain why this is utter shite...

What these bozos really ought to be saying is that they don't want to have to get emotionally involved in the situation cuz that's what they really mean.  They're afraid she might get clingy and needy.  God forbid, she have normal female emotions that are messy and confusing for these poor, emotionally-stunted morons.

My most recent ex pulled this crap on me too.... He was really big on semantics.  He kept correcting me all the time about the difference of want and need... Yes, I said *correcting ME* on the difference which I found infuriating.  I tried to let it slide because we had much bigger issues than this in particular.  But, dear reader, it won't take you long to see a pattern of incompatibility a mile long.

I mentioned in my profile that I am sensitive.  Let me clarify.  I'm empathic.  That means I am deeply in tune with the emotions of the people around me.  If you are unsettled, I am unsettled.  His emotions were dark.  He lives with everything bottled up like if one day if you popped the top he'd go on a homicidal rampage.  He lives in constant fear of what is inside the bottle.  So if you are empathic and you have the tremendous upheaval of moving across coast on the hopes and dreams of being with the one you'd love for the rest of your life and this bottle, and a whole lot of uncertainty on his part, is presented right after you de-board the plane, you will most likely panic as I did.  So did I want reassurance or did I need it?

Listen up, Mr Need/Want.  If you want to go about your life seeking sexual thrills, by all means have at it.  DON'T, however, try to have a real relationship because you just aren't qualified.  You, in fact, will fail miserably making both you and your intended very unhappy.

My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.