Daily Life in the Realm of True Domme

I get asked a lot about what daily life would be like under my rule.  This isn't an easy question to answer.  I can neither predict the interaction with each individual than I can predict the pattern of a snowflake.  I will, however, talk a bit about some of my expectations and what I find unacceptable.

I hear a lot, "So what makes you different from a bitchy, high maintenance woman?"  I find this question pretty offensive.  I don't think women should be referred to in this manner but so be it.  First and foremost, I'm not a bitch.  I don't seek to make anyone's life miserable.  In fact, most that know me would call me pretty giving and selfless.  I try very hard for people, including my partner.  I don't think demanding care and attention makes anyone bitchy.  Second, I suppose I would have to admit to being high maintenance, although my type of high maintenance is emotional.  I suppose for some that would be considered harder and worse than financial but tough luck.  What this means, then, is that I expect my partner to be a caring listener... and that includes if he has done something wrong as well.

I think the relationship between me and my partner can best be described as captain and first-mate or head chef and sous chef.  Not only do I expect authority I expect trust in my judgment.  As I have said many times I expect to earn it.  Final decisions are mine to make.  I dictate the schedules, the importance of projects, and who is to be where and when.  This includes dictating chores he's to do.

I expect emotional dependence from my partner.  I don't seek someone that wishes a lot of autonomy or grumbles at having to check in with me about what they are doing.  If I say to do something, I expect it to start immediately and if it can't I want to know why.  I'm completely reasonable and understand that things come up but that's where he should be checking in with me.  If that level of control is uncomfortable or unwanted then don't seek me out.  Hell, even I announce what I'm doing and in what order with the intention of looking for more information that will help make a better schedule.  I don't just do things and expect my partner or roommate or friends to just wait around for me or not have expectations of me.  I don't understand this mentality at all.

So daily, aside from his work time, which I have no intention of interfering with, his time is my time.  I don't accept nights out with the boys or dinners/activities alone with ex-girlfriends/ex-wives/etc.  I expect that sometimes we would want to do different things, alla hobbies, games, whatever and time would be allotted for that, but otherwise home time is my time and time for doing things together.  Of course, I value quality time over quantity of time.  So during that time I have I want it filled with clear and open connection, talking, and fun activities.

I do NOT intend to live parallel lives with my partner.  I'd like us to be best friends in addition to the love and D/s that we share.  We should be deeply engaged in each other or we break up.  End of story.  I have no time or patience for less.  He should feel like he can't wait to get home to spend time with me and I with him.  If we don't, something is wrong.

I expect him to be open and honest about who he is and what he wants.  Don't make shit up just to try to make things work with me.  Don't pretend to be something you aren't.  If you lie on the application you are wasting both our times because I will find out eventually and I will fire you, got it?

I am the teacher in this relationship.  If you feel don't have anything else to learn in this life, we are not compatible.  That said, I am not opposed to learning as well.  I always listen and revise my beliefs and opinions based on new information presented.  I expect it to be presented in a humble and respectful manner.  A condescending or authoritarian tone is not acceptable ever.

I don't have a punishment system.  I lecture when I'm pissed off.  Apparently, I have a very sharp tone when I'm angry.  I don't feel I need to change for you.  You shouldn't push me to a place that gets that tone in the first place and if you do, you deserve what you get.  If I'm that angry you've probably tried to assert authority or said something really stupid.  It doesn't take much to calm me down but damn well learn what it is and DO IT.

On that note, I am not one of those women that doesn't say why I'm upset.  I'm usually say exactly what is troubling me, why it upset me, and how you can make it better, in that order.  The right response to that is NOT to get defensive or to invalidate my feelings.  The right response does not include yelling at me for anything.  The right response does not include denial or misrepresenting what happened.  Accept what you did, apologize, mean it, atone, and we move on.

So very simply, we go back to the concept of union and the spiritual path that leads to it.  For men, this is a journey of self discovery, of letting go of a lot of ingrained misogyny, of learning how to be truly submissive in the relationship.

Note: I don't have a set schedule for how I run my life and likewise I don't want to be expected to provide one for anyone else.  Yes, I want a man to do most of the chores around the house.  Yes, I want my needs to be attended to.  I'd like most of life to be fairly spontaneous and not scheduled down to the last minute.  I am somewhat of a planner but I don't like rigid, structured days either.  This isn't the army. This is real life.

More on the Spheres of Dominance

After some comments from a trusted friend, I rethought the Spheres of Dominance model a bit and decided that a Venn diagram would be more appropriate because each of these spheres does interact with the other ones in at some moderate amount.

I suppose how much you feel the interaction of the individual spheres depends on your world view, religion, etc.  While I agree they aren't entirely divorced from one another I'd say that someone's bedroom proclivities has very little to do with how they function in the public world but probably much more to do with how they interact in private relationships.

Perhaps if Christian fundamentalists drew this diagram it would look more like a concentric circle diagram with all circles completely contained within the others.  They frequently argue that what happens in the bedroom and private realm will destroy all of society if it doesn't fit their neat and tidy 1950's nuclear family model, whether or not that's actually biblically supported is another matter entirely.

I think most of us liberals would say that for example gay marriage would only affect society in a positive way as it would promote more tolerance of differences.  We could say the same for kink acceptance as well.

Anyway, to be continued...

Penis Obsession

I read a very interesting interview on SubmissiveProud of what he calls a "Fierce Feminist".  She says about misconceptions about dominant women: "That we are as enamored with your penis [and the control of it] as you are. There are of course variances from woman to woman but I have never met a woman, vanilla or otherwise, who really gave a lot of thought to her man's penis without first being prompted by her male partner... Men do more than enough of that sort of obsessing for the both of them."  I couldn't agree more!  Every sub I talk to wants to know what I want to do with their penis.  This gets back to my post about men setting the tone for the expectations of a dominant woman and how, I think, men see submission as a sexual act and women see it as meekness, humbleness.

According to Mirriam-Webster submission is the following:

1. a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators & b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also : something submitted (as a manuscript)
2. : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3. : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

Here is the problem.  I think men see submission as partly definition number one with the "act of submitting something" for consideration, inspection & definition number three the "act of submitting to control" and that something is their anatomy.  While men aren't understanding the definition wrong, they aren't really offering most of us women something we really care about.  Yes, of course, we prefer a man not spend all day wanking or thinking about sex with other women.  Certainly, we want say over the amount and types of sex we explore in the bedroom.  Do we really want to monitor your penis all day?  No.


I had the recent ex wear a chastity device to work.  I didn't really need worry that he was porking someone at the office but the device just made it so I don't need to even think about that possibility.  I could then think even less about penis than I already did... not much at all.  And while I did enjoy occasionally teasing him with it on,  it wasn't to cause him pain for my benefit.  It was most a test of my attractiveness.  So I got news for the boys, I made it all about me and not you.


Submission for most women is mostly definition number two: meekness, humbleness.  When we want a submissive man, we are seeking for a man to be humble and compliant.  And while some see penis control as a means to that end, I feel that that doesn't really work in the long run.  I really don't think penis has anything to do with it.  The penis-oriented submission is what men like for arousal purposes.  They are tickling their own pickle with the idea of submitting their penis for inspection, rejection, and abuse.  They aren't learning how to be better men because of it.  They are only getting what they want: to get off.


The pro-domme/pr0n industry is catering to this fantasy.  The guys that wank to this stuff most often go back to "their normal selves" once the wanking is done.  They keep thinking if the abuse was a little longer or the penis control was more constant in their lives that they can carry this pickle tickle into their daily lives and the arousal state will be longer and more intense.  Do you see anything in there about what they want to do for the women they claim to worship?  Nope.  Why?  They aren't worshipping women.  They are worshipping the arousal state and the object that provides it.  And I chose the word "object" very carefully.


So I argue that M/s relationships cannot, most often, provide women with the submission they are seeking from men simply because it isn't genuine.  Even if they do all the things that she asks of him, the intention is not there.  The intention is for himself primarily.  


We don't need to settle for this as I saw many do on She Makes the Rules.  I completely disagree that women get one thing and men get another and that's okay.  It's not okay to live disingenuous lives.  Men need to learn what true humbleness is and that no amount of paddling is going to create it.  And if they aren't interested without the kink/penis element, then they aren't submissive and should stop pretending for it to be.  


I actually had some guy tell me that he saw submissiveness as a sexual-orientation.  That about sums it up for me.  Ladies, we are often barking up the wrong tree and it is hard many times to tell whether you are dealing with a masochist or true submissive.  Believe me, I know.  I think, in general, we need to stop seeking men on places like collarme, even if we do have some kink interests.  The right man will be open to bedroom things as well.  It's far better that he not come to the table with that being his primary reason for looking for a relationship in the first place.

D/s as a Spiritual Path

It's not a new concept to talk about bdsm as a spiritual path.  People have made the connection between the pain mystics inflict upon themselves in the form of self-flagellation and the headspace that pain inflicted upon subs by a dom/me.  I'd like to take this a step further though.

If pain in the sexual context is akin to mysticism then the path of my version of D/s is closer to Buddhism or Bhakti Tantra.  Realizing that we are really part of a great Oneness, losing the self into that Oneness, and serving that Oneness every moment of every day sounds a lot like Buddhism, no?  The difference is that instead of meditation there is service to another, which could be closer to Bhakti Tantra.  If I just spouted a bunch of gibberish to you then hang I'm about to explain this better.

Buddhism, also called The Way, is a spiritual path that is about recognizing our Oneness with Buddha Consciousness, or a collective oneness with the universe.  The idea is to lose the self to this oneness.  That is the goal.... to give into losing your identity in favor of this nirvana state of Oneness.  Buddhism is called The Way because it is direct instructions for how to achieve this... Unfortunately, trying to read the symbolism of another culture is lot like translating the rosetta stone... Very few have the tools.

Hinduism is what Buddhism comes from.  The goals of the two religions are almost identical.  What Buddha did differently is take away all the god-related stuff and focused solely on the a practice that worked on the inside of the person.  Hinduism conversely embraces several different practices including religious devotion to reach the same goal.  Instead of trying to explain the immensity that is Hinduism I want to focus on the practices that I feel are relevant.

Bhakti means devotion or participation.  It is the active devotional relationship with the Absolute through ritual and service.  It doesn't seem in behavior a lot different than Christian devotion to Jesus.  The difference here is that the goals are different.  You can't become one with Jesus in the Christian tradition. That would probably be considered blasphemy (except to Gnostics).  The devotional service for Christians is both the means and the end.  In Hinduism, however, the Bhakta (the adherent) becomes one with god through this activity.

If you've had any exposure to Tantra it's probably either as the kama sutra and it's unusual and acrobatic love-making positions or perhaps it's the hyper sexed-up, how-to type manual for how to have the best orgasms.  Tantra is way more than either of these things.  Tantra is a spiritual path, first and foremost.  It honors primarily the divine feminine and the gurus (teachers) are all female.

I don't want to go into great depth here about the ins and outs of real Tantra in this post.  What I want to do instead is give a brief spiritual base for the type of relationship I seek.  I seek Oneness with my partner.  I want to initiate him onto that path.  I want to act as teacher, guide, and mother... and that is in a way a form of service in return.  I want him to take the role of servant and lover, to live in service of our unity.

The Relationship EZ-Pass

I can't stress enough how much it bothers me that *some* sub men think that if they go into kink that that means they can bypass everything they normally have to do in a relationship and go straight to the sex/kink combo.  What is this about?

I can't speak for other Domme women, only myself, but I find this really irritating.  Just because I joined X site and have some unusual tastes in the bedroom does not mean that I am any less a woman in any other area of my life.  I'm not some pr0n Domme that will only interact with a guy when I want to do kink-related stuff.  I still have normal emotional needs and I expect my partner to listen, care, and tend to those.  I, foolishly, would think a sub man should want to care even more than a vanilla man because he's claiming to worship this woman that is his Domme.  Apparently not.

Perhaps it's not a conscious choice.  Perhaps the men in the kink realm are just more dysfunctional than vanilla men and their expectations are "different" because they can't function in a normal vanilla relationship anyway?  This seems entirely possible.  Or perhaps they are just like the guy above in the cartoon plus mask, collar, and cuffs?  Far more likely.

This leads me to an important question:  what is worship from the sub perspective?  In many cases, it seems to me that sub men have a very different idea about what that is than I do.  I see all these profiles of guys saying "I don't want anything but to serve." and "I have no needs but to serve my Goddess."  I think there's a disconnect here.  It seems to me that it is men who have set the expectations for what a woman is supposed to have as a "Goddess" or most women in the kink realm are just as dysfunctional emotionally as the men are.

I don't really have an answer to this one.  I'm just musing on this peculiar phenomenon.  It's made for a very long 7 years with collarme, certainly.  This last ex seemed like he understood what caring for my needs would look like online but in person he just couldn't handle it.  He clearly had a disconnect between online and real life.  Once he couldn't just press a button to make me go away (ie. had complete power over the situation) he crumpled into fetal position and lashed out at me like a frightened child.

I, at least partially, blame the internets for this.  I also blame him for using work, internets, games, and anything else to avoid dealing with what is going on inside him.  He, and many others, seem to think that relationships are where two people live parallel lives with each other and only intersect for brief companionship and sex/kink.  That is NOT love.

Spheres of Dominance

(My model.  Please give credit where credit is due.  Thank you.)

Model for the Spheres of Dominance.

As I understand it, there are three spheres of in which dominance can play a role: public, private, and bedroom.  Within these three spheres you find the majority of views of where male or female leadership should reside.

Public, represented by the brown sphere, is the realm of public social behavior.  It includes legal and social treatment of both genders.  Currently, one would say that in the United States currently male is still the dominant (in all spheres really).  While laws have been changed to make things more equal there are continually forces that want to overturn them and socially men just still have the upper hand.

Private, represented by the blue sphere, is the realm of personal loving relationships.  Again, most often men are assumed to be leader in the home although more and more women are stepping up the plate to change this.  It's still a man's world and plenty of women, particularly religious ones, are eager to give up their rightful control in favor of lack of responsibility.  Vile, frankly.

Bedroom, represented by the red sphere, is exactly what it sounds like.  It's who is the aggressor in the bedroom.  This is very much a toss up.  Plenty of people who are dominant in their public life choose to let go of that in the bedroom and play the opposite role.  Plenty are the same in every sphere.  It depends.  It's, of course, traditional for the man to take the lead in this arena but plenty of guys today like an aggressive woman, bdsm or not.

Now for me, I'm interested in the private sphere primarily, even and above the bedroom sphere.  While yes I am aggressive in the bedroom it and would prefer both spheres to be in charge of, not having the bedroom would not affect my behavior in the private sphere.... they are completely separate in my opinion.

So ideally, the yellow line represents what I control versus the matriarchy femdom types, represented by the green line, that seek to impose female leadership in every sphere or the bedroom only types that are merely kinksters, sensation players, etc.

Further, I'd like to add here that while I intend to lead my home I do not have an agenda to turn all spheres into matriarchy nor do I seek to make all households look like my ideal.  I firmly believe that my dominance is part of my nature and that everyone's nature is their own to figure out: self-determination.  I do no intend to advocate imposing my beliefs or what's right for me on others.  I think that's a foolhardy endeavor.

That said, in all situations where I have seen female led households they have functioned better and the relationship has lasted longer and with more happiness... but my sample size is small.  :)

Lastly, it is my opinion that the world would function a lot better if the genders were equally represented in the government.  I believe that men have made a giant mess just like they do in a home when left to their own devices.... Women are far under-represented and I do believe that in an equal society we'd be far more functional as a species.

Let's Talk About Kink

While I don't think that D/s is or should be centered around sex, that does not at all mean that I am not sex positive or unadventurous. In my 35 years, I've done more than most people do in their whole lives.... and I did that before 30. I'm not repressed. I have no hidden desires. If I'm at all interested in trying something, I try it. It's just not a big deal.

Most of what I like in the kink realm is centered around ownership/vulnerabiliy. I liken my ownership interests to the Hindu signs of marriage on a woman. For those that are not familiar, there are items that a Hindu wife is supposed to wear depending on the region to show that she is taken. They often include some of the following: sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, toe rings, and anklets. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a sindoor is. What matters is that I like my own version of signs that a man is mine.

This might include a chastity device while he is away from me, a jewelry style collar that can be worn all the times, a tattoo, and of course upon marriage a wedding band (Yes, I want to marry my sub.). To me, a wedding band by itself is far too easy to slip off. I want a man to want to feel possessed by me.

Beyond this, I like to be the primary aggressor in the bedroom.  No, I don't expect him to lie there like a dead fish.  I want active participation.  I just want to be the one that throws him against the wall, holds his neck, and proceeds to play with an ear or a nipple.  I want to smother him with my breasts or vulva.  There's nothing sexier than a man coated in my juices.

I'm also okay with a bit of bondage.  This ties (pun intended) back into the vulnerability that I seek emotionally.  It doesn't work if the only time he can be vulnerable to me is when he is strapped to the bed.  It has to be a physical component of an already vulnerable position.

I've done the strap-on thing.  I was okay with it.  There is a bit of a power high from it but doesn't get me off.  I think this is one of those things that's better in the mind than in reality.  I don't like this idea of "using" a man sexually.  I get the psychology here but you are more likely to get that with another man than with a woman.  We just don't have the equipment for that.

So yes, I have interest in *some* kink.  It just isn't on the level of hermaphrodite hentai (ROTFL).  Like any woman I want to be wanted, and in my case I want him to be willing to offer far more in devotion than a vanilla man would.

My Vision

What does the word "union" mean to you?  To me it is what love ought to be.  The joining of two people on many different levels.  Physical can only carry you so far.  There has to be emotional and mental connections as well.  Ideally, both partners would understand each other well enough that they can tell what each other is thinking without a word.  

I want a union over which I am the guardian and ruler.  I want to be entrusted with the health and well-being of the relationship and rule over my partner.  Trust is a key word here.  We all know that submission is something that must be freely given and that submission must be based on trust and faith....and to me, preferably love and admiration.  Well, it's one thing to trust someone in the bedroom for a brief duration of play and something else to trust someone to rule you as a person.

This requires something many "subs" are not capable of being: selfless.  It also requires a certain amount of dependency that men have a really hard time with.  If you expect to be fully autonomous while being in a relationship, you are not the type I am looking for at all.

I want a symbiotic relationship.  Where both partners can be truly open and free to share their feelings and accept the love and affection of the other.  I want to be trusted to be let inside to see the frightened, helpless creature he hides away from the rest of the world.  I want to be able to share that part of me as well and to know that we can count on each other to cradle each other when needed.

Yes, I'm comfortable being the strong one most of the time.  I can carry that burden with ease and grace. I can move mountains for the one who will love me completely.  I just need to be able to be emotional and sensitive.... the way I really am.  I need to be appreciated and reassured.  I need to be listened to and treated with respect.

I don't need a knight in shining armor that hides his feelings and provides physical comforts for me.  While yes, physical comforts are fine and dandy... but they are only half the man I need.  The emotional comes first.  Without that the rest is hollow.

My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.