Spheres of Dominance

(My model.  Please give credit where credit is due.  Thank you.)

Model for the Spheres of Dominance.

As I understand it, there are three spheres of in which dominance can play a role: public, private, and bedroom.  Within these three spheres you find the majority of views of where male or female leadership should reside.

Public, represented by the brown sphere, is the realm of public social behavior.  It includes legal and social treatment of both genders.  Currently, one would say that in the United States currently male is still the dominant (in all spheres really).  While laws have been changed to make things more equal there are continually forces that want to overturn them and socially men just still have the upper hand.

Private, represented by the blue sphere, is the realm of personal loving relationships.  Again, most often men are assumed to be leader in the home although more and more women are stepping up the plate to change this.  It's still a man's world and plenty of women, particularly religious ones, are eager to give up their rightful control in favor of lack of responsibility.  Vile, frankly.

Bedroom, represented by the red sphere, is exactly what it sounds like.  It's who is the aggressor in the bedroom.  This is very much a toss up.  Plenty of people who are dominant in their public life choose to let go of that in the bedroom and play the opposite role.  Plenty are the same in every sphere.  It depends.  It's, of course, traditional for the man to take the lead in this arena but plenty of guys today like an aggressive woman, bdsm or not.

Now for me, I'm interested in the private sphere primarily, even and above the bedroom sphere.  While yes I am aggressive in the bedroom it and would prefer both spheres to be in charge of, not having the bedroom would not affect my behavior in the private sphere.... they are completely separate in my opinion.

So ideally, the yellow line represents what I control versus the matriarchy femdom types, represented by the green line, that seek to impose female leadership in every sphere or the bedroom only types that are merely kinksters, sensation players, etc.

Further, I'd like to add here that while I intend to lead my home I do not have an agenda to turn all spheres into matriarchy nor do I seek to make all households look like my ideal.  I firmly believe that my dominance is part of my nature and that everyone's nature is their own to figure out: self-determination.  I do no intend to advocate imposing my beliefs or what's right for me on others.  I think that's a foolhardy endeavor.

That said, in all situations where I have seen female led households they have functioned better and the relationship has lasted longer and with more happiness... but my sample size is small.  :)

Lastly, it is my opinion that the world would function a lot better if the genders were equally represented in the government.  I believe that men have made a giant mess just like they do in a home when left to their own devices.... Women are far under-represented and I do believe that in an equal society we'd be far more functional as a species.

What I Had and Didn't Have

My exhusband and I met in college through the campus radio station we both DJ'd for.  It was an amazing connection.  We liked the same music, television, everything... our only difference really was he preferred The Stones and I preferred The Beatles.  Totally serious.... We could talk about anything.  He was calm and receptive.  He didn't talk over me or invalidate my feelings.  He listened and respected my opinions.  He actually preferred to be lead... and deferred to my judgment on all matters.

We loved being together.  We loved sharing Monty Python quotes and sampling new music found on the internet.  Everyday was full of cuddles and laughter.  I never felt so in love with or loved by anyone in my life.  He put up with my tempers and hugged away my tears.  He took away my anger at the world and replaced it with compassion... Something I will never forget him for.

The only place we didn't connect was sex.  He was a terrible kisser, and he just refused to learn.  I wonder now if I was his first in that also...  It became harder and harder to get aroused by him as the youthful horniness wore off.  He just wasn't sexy at all.  Nothing about him turned me on.

He was the first person I tried some kink stuff with.  We didn't take it terribly serious... at least I didn't.  We were mostly looking for ways to reignite.  Nothing really ended up helping that.  (Sorry folks, kink is not a cure-all.)

I have to give credit where credit is due, though.  He was FANTASTIC at oral sex.  He knew my rhythms and took cues from changes in moaning.... He even knew to massage the side of the clit with his tongue to bring me down from orgasm gently.... Oh yah.... It was like a master artist with a canvas.  Pity that wasn't enough to get me aroused in the first place.

The immediate question people often have is why I didn't leave over the sex part.  My answer is simply that  that was not *why* I wanted to be with him.  We were best friends.  We could do everything together.  We *did* everything together.  We were joined at the hip.  People would always say they wanted what we had.   I was happy to settle for that.  I recognize that looking for perfection when you have this damn close is looking the gift horse in the mouth.

But it ended....  (I really don't want to go into the long story why but maybe sometime in the future.  Let me add here that I am no longer in love with my exhusband.  It's been 10 years since we've been together.  Just trying to show what was good and reproducible in another relationship.)

Anyway, suffice to say that I'd like to find that again in my lifetime, this time preferably with the passion.  I thought I had found that in this recent ex, but apparently I was very wrong.