We loved being together. We loved sharing Monty Python quotes and sampling new music found on the internet. Everyday was full of cuddles and laughter. I never felt so in love with or loved by anyone in my life. He put up with my tempers and hugged away my tears. He took away my anger at the world and replaced it with compassion... Something I will never forget him for.
The only place we didn't connect was sex. He was a terrible kisser, and he just refused to learn. I wonder now if I was his first in that also... It became harder and harder to get aroused by him as the youthful horniness wore off. He just wasn't sexy at all. Nothing about him turned me on.
He was the first person I tried some kink stuff with. We didn't take it terribly serious... at least I didn't. We were mostly looking for ways to reignite. Nothing really ended up helping that. (Sorry folks, kink is not a cure-all.)
I have to give credit where credit is due, though. He was FANTASTIC at oral sex. He knew my rhythms and took cues from changes in moaning.... He even knew to massage the side of the clit with his tongue to bring me down from orgasm gently.... Oh yah.... It was like a master artist with a canvas. Pity that wasn't enough to get me aroused in the first place.
The immediate question people often have is why I didn't leave over the sex part. My answer is simply that that was not *why* I wanted to be with him. We were best friends. We could do everything together. We *did* everything together. We were joined at the hip. People would always say they wanted what we had. I was happy to settle for that. I recognize that looking for perfection when you have this damn close is looking the gift horse in the mouth.
But it ended.... (I really don't want to go into the long story why but maybe sometime in the future. Let me add here that I am no longer in love with my exhusband. It's been 10 years since we've been together. Just trying to show what was good and reproducible in another relationship.)
Anyway, suffice to say that I'd like to find that again in my lifetime, this time preferably with the passion. I thought I had found that in this recent ex, but apparently I was very wrong.
Can one try "too hard" to find the "one?" I admire the intellect, logic, and process you are presenting in the blog. Creative and cathartic. It seems maybe that the "cosmic" order of things is quite influential. And, pushing tremendously hard in a Sisyphean manner against the timing and circumstances is just magnifying frustration. I.e., where the hell is this submissive "just right" husband person thing I seek? As you mentioned music and the Rolling Stones, the tune that comes to mind is "You Can't Always Get What You Want."
ReplyDeleteI have compromised many times, and this blog is actually a result of doing just that. I tried to give someone a chance that was far more kink-oriented than I am, and it turned out really badly. Really badly. I don't just "not get what I want," I don't even get what I need. I have been alone since that disaster, and I'm happier alone than with that.
DeleteI am so done with compromising myself, my needs, my future for men that are not even close to being worthy of me. It has wasted so much of my life that I am not willing to even consider it anymore. I rather be alone.