My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.