Sub Narcissists?

I was very keenly interested in a post on HuffPost today about dating a narcissist.  I wouldn't have thought this would even be a topic of discussion on this blog, but after reading these points I see that the fool that angered me enough to actually begin this blog in the first place fits these points to a T.  I'll give you a run down so you don't have to click on the link here, unless you wish to.

Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed?  How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?

Well, I can tell you how.  The men like this are only interested in their own arousal.  They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs.  They don't even know what a real woman wants.  I don't think they really care either.  They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off.  That's about it.

This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away. 
2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me.  He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it.  Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast.  I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out.  Upon return his answer was always that we break up.    That was his answer to everything.  I tried to reason with him, but to no avail.  There was nothing to reason with.  He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.

The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping.  I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal.  Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive.  Just NO.

If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all.  He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).

Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him.  That's not how it works, idiot.  I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me.  If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared.  This doesn't happen in a vacuum.

This is not the behavior of a submissive.  A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally.  He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it. 

I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing.  Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first.  It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong.  But they are loathe to admit it!  It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing.  "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future.  Own up.

Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future.  I am not going through that again.

Before we take this any further....

It's been a while since I've posted here.  I guess I haven't been properly motivated with rage to warrant the type of catharsis that goes into my usual writing here.  Well today, you might say I've been properly inspired.

 So I finally get a worthwhile message on my "personals" (I put that in quotes for the retardation that is collarme), and it's from a professor who clearly has a brilliant mind, well-rounded in his interests, and even reads philosophy for fuck sake (my undergrad degree was in philosophy).  We have a brief but lovely discussion about economics and thinkers that shape who we are.  I can't think of a better way to start an dialogue with someone.  We seemed completely on the same page.  Then I did something dumb: I got my hopes up.

And then it comes, the line I dread on these stupid fucking asshole sites: "Before we take this any further..."  And you know nothing good is going to come after that opener.  Sure as shit he's already involved.  Well, why the fuck are you on this site then?  And WHY don't you say this on your profile?  But these are just rhetorical questions because I can venture a guess.

Either this guy is a) a wanker (see definition on post about types of guys that frequent BDSM personals sites) looking for fodder to pull his pud to, b) on the lookout for someone "better" than his current gf/wife, and/or in my case c) he's looking for intellectual stimulation because at home he finds none.  And as I said to him, if the latter is true then heaven help him.  Upon reflection, I'm guessing the correct A & C are the correct answers.

Congratulations, asshole.  You managed to become a time waster.  I should have known something wasn't right when your location was all screwy.  Fuck everything about you.  You don't deserve my time.  You don't deserve my company.  If you were looking for friends you should have said so in your first email.  It's up to ME to decide if I want to pursue that.  You have no right to spring that on me after the fact.

I'm seething with fury as this exact moment.  I could totally channel Tisiphone right now.  Google it.

Why I chose the name "True Domme"...

I keep getting asked why I chose the word "domme" when I'm not nearly as kinky as people would assume from the name so I've decided to post in an attempt to explain.  First, you need to understand that the definition of dominant does not contain the word sex anywhere in it.  If one were to say dominant gene, does that mean it's tying up the submissive genes?  No, clearly not.  My point being: you don't own this word so stop acting like you do.

The fact that the term "dominant woman" is automatically associated with a sex-related act is disturbing to me.  I've decided to reclaim this concept to mean something real, not just bullshit play for men's enjoyment.  If a dominant woman also happens to be interested in certain types of sex play that is separate and unrelated to being a powerful, controlling woman.

It seems to me that men seeking dommes are looking for a situation that they can control.  They tell the woman where and when she can be dominating, and the nurse/woman play acts the part for his enjoyment.  Let's be honest... that's what happens most of the time.  And you wonder why it's not terribly fulfilling?  It's artificial, that's why.  And you know it.

On the other hand, I represent something you don't like at all.  I control on MY terms.  I don't turn on and off like a inanimate light switch.  I am what I am because this is my nature.... and it's 24/7.  It's not for your play.  It's not created or fashioned or faked.  I am a strong, powerful, dominating woman and I am taking back this concept to mean something real.

That's not to say I'm not sexy or sexually manipulative.  I am.  There's very little that gets me off than using my wiles to bend the will of man.  I'd say all straight/bi women enjoy this in varying degrees.  It's all a matter how we use the power we have to get what we actually want... and that may or may not coincide with you.

The fact is, boys, you're selfish.  You don't seem to really care about the women you claim to worship.  You don't worship them for anything but their bodies.  This doesn't make you an enlightened man.  You don't want to know her or care for her in any meaningful way.  This makes you worse than the average man.  You want this object of your desire to beat, bruise, and use you like an abusive husband.

But here is where you fundamentally don't understand women: we don't think like you, barring an abusive and strange upbringing.  We don't look at men like meat.  We are wired differently.  That doesn't mean we don't love sex.... our relationship with sex is different that yours. We don't think with our genitalia nor are we born with the same obsession with our genitalia.  We don't spend every hour of every day looking for a man to screw.  We aren't interested in using a man for his body, although it may happen once in a while.  It certainly isn't a driving force, or nearly as defining as it is for you.

Where I saw men at their most honest was at a strip club.  All the men sat silently in a circle around the stage.  The room was dark and almost thick with tension.  As the nearly nude dancer swung around the pole, I just watched the men in the room.  Their eyes transfixed, shifting occasionally in their seats.  Many were sitting hunched as if to lean in ready to pounce.  I got this sense that if the bouncer was not there this poor, dangling piece of meat in the spotlight would be torn to shreds by this hungry pack of wolves.

You don't see this at a chippendales gig.  It's a party atmosphere.  Women are drinking and chatting and laughing.  They giggle and blush when the male dancer drops his pants or thrusts at them suggestively.   It's not the same atmosphere at all.

So what I'm saying is you are seeking something in a woman that may not exist.  It seems to me that the men into bdsm really want a man in a woman's body... or maybe a shemale?  I'm not sure.  But you definitely don't want what most of us are.

I am attempting to discuss here dominance from a female perspective.  I'm talking about what I seek and what I have to offer.  If it doesn't coincide with what you seek, so be it.  At least, perhaps, you can learn something from what I say.

Let's Talk About Kink

While I don't think that D/s is or should be centered around sex, that does not at all mean that I am not sex positive or unadventurous. In my 35 years, I've done more than most people do in their whole lives.... and I did that before 30. I'm not repressed. I have no hidden desires. If I'm at all interested in trying something, I try it. It's just not a big deal.

Most of what I like in the kink realm is centered around ownership/vulnerabiliy. I liken my ownership interests to the Hindu signs of marriage on a woman. For those that are not familiar, there are items that a Hindu wife is supposed to wear depending on the region to show that she is taken. They often include some of the following: sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, toe rings, and anklets. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a sindoor is. What matters is that I like my own version of signs that a man is mine.

This might include a chastity device while he is away from me, a jewelry style collar that can be worn all the times, a tattoo, and of course upon marriage a wedding band (Yes, I want to marry my sub.). To me, a wedding band by itself is far too easy to slip off. I want a man to want to feel possessed by me.

Beyond this, I like to be the primary aggressor in the bedroom.  No, I don't expect him to lie there like a dead fish.  I want active participation.  I just want to be the one that throws him against the wall, holds his neck, and proceeds to play with an ear or a nipple.  I want to smother him with my breasts or vulva.  There's nothing sexier than a man coated in my juices.

I'm also okay with a bit of bondage.  This ties (pun intended) back into the vulnerability that I seek emotionally.  It doesn't work if the only time he can be vulnerable to me is when he is strapped to the bed.  It has to be a physical component of an already vulnerable position.

I've done the strap-on thing.  I was okay with it.  There is a bit of a power high from it but doesn't get me off.  I think this is one of those things that's better in the mind than in reality.  I don't like this idea of "using" a man sexually.  I get the psychology here but you are more likely to get that with another man than with a woman.  We just don't have the equipment for that.

So yes, I have interest in *some* kink.  It just isn't on the level of hermaphrodite hentai (ROTFL).  Like any woman I want to be wanted, and in my case I want him to be willing to offer far more in devotion than a vanilla man would.

My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.