Penis Obsession

I read a very interesting interview on SubmissiveProud of what he calls a "Fierce Feminist".  She says about misconceptions about dominant women: "That we are as enamored with your penis [and the control of it] as you are. There are of course variances from woman to woman but I have never met a woman, vanilla or otherwise, who really gave a lot of thought to her man's penis without first being prompted by her male partner... Men do more than enough of that sort of obsessing for the both of them."  I couldn't agree more!  Every sub I talk to wants to know what I want to do with their penis.  This gets back to my post about men setting the tone for the expectations of a dominant woman and how, I think, men see submission as a sexual act and women see it as meekness, humbleness.

According to Mirriam-Webster submission is the following:

1. a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators & b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also : something submitted (as a manuscript)
2. : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3. : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

Here is the problem.  I think men see submission as partly definition number one with the "act of submitting something" for consideration, inspection & definition number three the "act of submitting to control" and that something is their anatomy.  While men aren't understanding the definition wrong, they aren't really offering most of us women something we really care about.  Yes, of course, we prefer a man not spend all day wanking or thinking about sex with other women.  Certainly, we want say over the amount and types of sex we explore in the bedroom.  Do we really want to monitor your penis all day?  No.


I had the recent ex wear a chastity device to work.  I didn't really need worry that he was porking someone at the office but the device just made it so I don't need to even think about that possibility.  I could then think even less about penis than I already did... not much at all.  And while I did enjoy occasionally teasing him with it on,  it wasn't to cause him pain for my benefit.  It was most a test of my attractiveness.  So I got news for the boys, I made it all about me and not you.


Submission for most women is mostly definition number two: meekness, humbleness.  When we want a submissive man, we are seeking for a man to be humble and compliant.  And while some see penis control as a means to that end, I feel that that doesn't really work in the long run.  I really don't think penis has anything to do with it.  The penis-oriented submission is what men like for arousal purposes.  They are tickling their own pickle with the idea of submitting their penis for inspection, rejection, and abuse.  They aren't learning how to be better men because of it.  They are only getting what they want: to get off.


The pro-domme/pr0n industry is catering to this fantasy.  The guys that wank to this stuff most often go back to "their normal selves" once the wanking is done.  They keep thinking if the abuse was a little longer or the penis control was more constant in their lives that they can carry this pickle tickle into their daily lives and the arousal state will be longer and more intense.  Do you see anything in there about what they want to do for the women they claim to worship?  Nope.  Why?  They aren't worshipping women.  They are worshipping the arousal state and the object that provides it.  And I chose the word "object" very carefully.


So I argue that M/s relationships cannot, most often, provide women with the submission they are seeking from men simply because it isn't genuine.  Even if they do all the things that she asks of him, the intention is not there.  The intention is for himself primarily.  


We don't need to settle for this as I saw many do on She Makes the Rules.  I completely disagree that women get one thing and men get another and that's okay.  It's not okay to live disingenuous lives.  Men need to learn what true humbleness is and that no amount of paddling is going to create it.  And if they aren't interested without the kink/penis element, then they aren't submissive and should stop pretending for it to be.  


I actually had some guy tell me that he saw submissiveness as a sexual-orientation.  That about sums it up for me.  Ladies, we are often barking up the wrong tree and it is hard many times to tell whether you are dealing with a masochist or true submissive.  Believe me, I know.  I think, in general, we need to stop seeking men on places like collarme, even if we do have some kink interests.  The right man will be open to bedroom things as well.  It's far better that he not come to the table with that being his primary reason for looking for a relationship in the first place.

D/s as a Spiritual Path

It's not a new concept to talk about bdsm as a spiritual path.  People have made the connection between the pain mystics inflict upon themselves in the form of self-flagellation and the headspace that pain inflicted upon subs by a dom/me.  I'd like to take this a step further though.

If pain in the sexual context is akin to mysticism then the path of my version of D/s is closer to Buddhism or Bhakti Tantra.  Realizing that we are really part of a great Oneness, losing the self into that Oneness, and serving that Oneness every moment of every day sounds a lot like Buddhism, no?  The difference is that instead of meditation there is service to another, which could be closer to Bhakti Tantra.  If I just spouted a bunch of gibberish to you then hang I'm about to explain this better.

Buddhism, also called The Way, is a spiritual path that is about recognizing our Oneness with Buddha Consciousness, or a collective oneness with the universe.  The idea is to lose the self to this oneness.  That is the goal.... to give into losing your identity in favor of this nirvana state of Oneness.  Buddhism is called The Way because it is direct instructions for how to achieve this... Unfortunately, trying to read the symbolism of another culture is lot like translating the rosetta stone... Very few have the tools.

Hinduism is what Buddhism comes from.  The goals of the two religions are almost identical.  What Buddha did differently is take away all the god-related stuff and focused solely on the a practice that worked on the inside of the person.  Hinduism conversely embraces several different practices including religious devotion to reach the same goal.  Instead of trying to explain the immensity that is Hinduism I want to focus on the practices that I feel are relevant.

Bhakti means devotion or participation.  It is the active devotional relationship with the Absolute through ritual and service.  It doesn't seem in behavior a lot different than Christian devotion to Jesus.  The difference here is that the goals are different.  You can't become one with Jesus in the Christian tradition. That would probably be considered blasphemy (except to Gnostics).  The devotional service for Christians is both the means and the end.  In Hinduism, however, the Bhakta (the adherent) becomes one with god through this activity.

If you've had any exposure to Tantra it's probably either as the kama sutra and it's unusual and acrobatic love-making positions or perhaps it's the hyper sexed-up, how-to type manual for how to have the best orgasms.  Tantra is way more than either of these things.  Tantra is a spiritual path, first and foremost.  It honors primarily the divine feminine and the gurus (teachers) are all female.

I don't want to go into great depth here about the ins and outs of real Tantra in this post.  What I want to do instead is give a brief spiritual base for the type of relationship I seek.  I seek Oneness with my partner.  I want to initiate him onto that path.  I want to act as teacher, guide, and mother... and that is in a way a form of service in return.  I want him to take the role of servant and lover, to live in service of our unity.

Let's Talk About Kink

While I don't think that D/s is or should be centered around sex, that does not at all mean that I am not sex positive or unadventurous. In my 35 years, I've done more than most people do in their whole lives.... and I did that before 30. I'm not repressed. I have no hidden desires. If I'm at all interested in trying something, I try it. It's just not a big deal.

Most of what I like in the kink realm is centered around ownership/vulnerabiliy. I liken my ownership interests to the Hindu signs of marriage on a woman. For those that are not familiar, there are items that a Hindu wife is supposed to wear depending on the region to show that she is taken. They often include some of the following: sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, toe rings, and anklets. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a sindoor is. What matters is that I like my own version of signs that a man is mine.

This might include a chastity device while he is away from me, a jewelry style collar that can be worn all the times, a tattoo, and of course upon marriage a wedding band (Yes, I want to marry my sub.). To me, a wedding band by itself is far too easy to slip off. I want a man to want to feel possessed by me.

Beyond this, I like to be the primary aggressor in the bedroom.  No, I don't expect him to lie there like a dead fish.  I want active participation.  I just want to be the one that throws him against the wall, holds his neck, and proceeds to play with an ear or a nipple.  I want to smother him with my breasts or vulva.  There's nothing sexier than a man coated in my juices.

I'm also okay with a bit of bondage.  This ties (pun intended) back into the vulnerability that I seek emotionally.  It doesn't work if the only time he can be vulnerable to me is when he is strapped to the bed.  It has to be a physical component of an already vulnerable position.

I've done the strap-on thing.  I was okay with it.  There is a bit of a power high from it but doesn't get me off.  I think this is one of those things that's better in the mind than in reality.  I don't like this idea of "using" a man sexually.  I get the psychology here but you are more likely to get that with another man than with a woman.  We just don't have the equipment for that.

So yes, I have interest in *some* kink.  It just isn't on the level of hermaphrodite hentai (ROTFL).  Like any woman I want to be wanted, and in my case I want him to be willing to offer far more in devotion than a vanilla man would.

Need vs Want

If you've browsed enough collarme profiles you'll notice a bunch of trendy sayings that people latch onto.  Perhaps trendy is the wrong word.  Maybe I should go with.... copycat.  It seems far more honest.  The one that is pissing me today is "I don't want you to need me.  I want you to want me." Now, let me explain why this is utter shite...

What these bozos really ought to be saying is that they don't want to have to get emotionally involved in the situation cuz that's what they really mean.  They're afraid she might get clingy and needy.  God forbid, she have normal female emotions that are messy and confusing for these poor, emotionally-stunted morons.

My most recent ex pulled this crap on me too.... He was really big on semantics.  He kept correcting me all the time about the difference of want and need... Yes, I said *correcting ME* on the difference which I found infuriating.  I tried to let it slide because we had much bigger issues than this in particular.  But, dear reader, it won't take you long to see a pattern of incompatibility a mile long.

I mentioned in my profile that I am sensitive.  Let me clarify.  I'm empathic.  That means I am deeply in tune with the emotions of the people around me.  If you are unsettled, I am unsettled.  His emotions were dark.  He lives with everything bottled up like if one day if you popped the top he'd go on a homicidal rampage.  He lives in constant fear of what is inside the bottle.  So if you are empathic and you have the tremendous upheaval of moving across coast on the hopes and dreams of being with the one you'd love for the rest of your life and this bottle, and a whole lot of uncertainty on his part, is presented right after you de-board the plane, you will most likely panic as I did.  So did I want reassurance or did I need it?

Listen up, Mr Need/Want.  If you want to go about your life seeking sexual thrills, by all means have at it.  DON'T, however, try to have a real relationship because you just aren't qualified.  You, in fact, will fail miserably making both you and your intended very unhappy.

My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.