As Requested: My Perfect Partner

My perfect partner is strong but soft, deeply intellectual but tempered with emotional intelligence, may not be model attractive but has kind features and the attitude to match, sexy but not sex-obsessed, proud of his accomplishments but humble with me, refuses to be a doormat but wants to give me the world, understands and expresses his emotions, welcomes my support but isn't a chronic whiner, expects the best out of me but doesn't tear me down if I fail sometimes, would gladly spend every waking minute with me but grudgingly heads off to work responsibly, must touch some part of me at all times but doesn't make me feel like it's always leading somewhere, has an artistic side but doesn't want to be a starving artist (not accounting for the current nightmare recession), has a dry British sense of humor but knows when it is NOT appropriate to make a joke, has something to teach me but realizes he has even more to learn from me, treats my love everyday as a gift he doesn't deserve but accepts my reassurance that he does, willing to let his guard down to meld with me on many levels and doesn't run because he feels something.

He would have to be able to handle my sensitivity with grace and tact.  He'd have to be able to think through the implications of his words, yet convince me over time that I need not over think because I know he means well.  He needs to get me to trust him with my whole being.  He needs to earn that every moment of every day.

He has to go where he says he's going.  Call me when he is going to be late.  Be apologetic if late.  Explain the delay, and ask for my forgiveness.  Preferably bring flowers.  And he should NEVER stand me up (ie. you better be dead or have a relative die for you not show up).

He should always be thinking about how to make me happy.  He should learn my needs through our conversations, and he should put those needs ahead of his own.

In a fight, he should NOT fly off the handle.  He should not say things he can't take back.  He should not storm off, rave like a lunatic, or make every fight an excuse to try to end the relationship.  He should focus on calming me down, not me have to chase him to calm him down.  He should listen to reason just as easily as listening to my feelings about things (even things he's done wrong).

He should not want/need a "night out with the boys", but rather want to involve me in whatever activities I want to be involved in.  He shouldn't want to "get away" from me.  He should want to participate in my activities as well.

If we talk about a matter we disagree on, he should not try to overpower me to win the argument but rather use gentle, humble reasoning to win me over.  Aggression in a man is not attractive at home.  A little sexual aggression is acceptable, however, but he has to learn when and how much.

He should wish to hug me tightly in bed at night, and not prefer to have been alone.  He should want to share all of himself with me, all his thoughts, his hopes and dreams, his needs and desires, his fears,  his ambitions, everything....  AND he should listen to the same from me as well.... whenever I need to share it.

He should let me in to see him as he really is, and not the facade he portrays to the rest of the world.  He should want that we be one in every way that is conceivably possible for two humans, and not strive to keep his autonomy.  He should accept my leadership the way I naturally lead, and not how he's been fantasizing it should occur.

He should accept his place as my first mate (sailing lingo).  He should take primary role in the kitchen as sous chef.  He should be prepare to do at least half of the household chores, and preferably the ones I find most distasteful.  He should fetch me things when I need them.  He should be the one to shut out the light at night.  He should be prepared to wear some symbol beyond a wedding band that shows my ownership.  He should put me and the health of the couple first, in his thoughts, his actions, his ambitions.

He should not be selfish.  He should be honorable.  He should believe in helping those less fortunate.  He should donate, volunteer, or both.  He should believe that honesty is the best policy (but be wise enough to know when to temper honesty with tact).  He should love his mother, have a good role model in his father, or at least strive to make up for either.  He should be agnostic, or at least be able to defend a position of faith with something other than circular logic.  He should honor his culture but value universal human rights.  He should give up his seat on the bus for the elderly.  He should strive to know more and to be more than he is.  He should read.  He should be okay with sharing the big spoon/little spoon positions.

How and Why Guys Compartmentalize

I found this on website.  The rest of the site is pointless but this particular bit is worth a read.  I think it explains a lot.

"You've probably noticed how men are eager to put difficult situations behind them and 'moving on'.

From your perspective it may look like he just doesn't want to deal with negativity...and that would be a pretty accurate read of the situation.

Men's ability to do this is called compartmentalization.

Compartmentalization refers to an ability to divide something up into segments or parts as a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed by all the stress in our lives.

Because men have little training when it comes to their emotional world,men have perfected the art of segmenting or compartmentalizing their difficult feelings away from their awareness in order to deal with their immediate survival needs...

one chunk at a time.

This is very valuable when it comes to making decisions that need to be made from a rational, logical perspective.

When it comes to survival, this is a very useful skill set and defines to a large degree one of men’s better talents.

It can of course also become a liability when it comes to having a guy define his feeling state at any particular moment, in that...

accessing the compartmentalized feelings that are necessary for him to make an emotional connection with his wife or girlfriend can be a very difficult thing to do.

Because we as men don't stay aware of these separated feelings, we tend to think (and hope) that they don't exist...

and so we minimize whatever it is we do feel–-especially when it comes to anger, sadness, fear, and shame.

It’s not that these feelings don’t occur.

They are there for every human guy, even if it is difficult for him to identify them in the moment.

But what needs to happen is for him to have the desire to contribute his part of the emotional connection to the relationship.

Again, when it comes to giving relationship advice for women, the best thing to remember is that...

when your man is 'in his cave', or quiet and unresponsive, or unwilling to talk about the tough issues you both are facing...

it means he is compartmentalizing as a way to protect himself from feeling something emotionally vulnerable."

Why did I post this?  Because I hear a lot from the men in the bdsm community that they want a woman to want them but not need them.  This is utter horse shit and the above appears to be why.  They don't want to get hurt so they think if they just get their fantasies fulfilled that's enough to complete them. WRONG, dumbass.  

Need vs Want

If you've browsed enough collarme profiles you'll notice a bunch of trendy sayings that people latch onto.  Perhaps trendy is the wrong word.  Maybe I should go with.... copycat.  It seems far more honest.  The one that is pissing me today is "I don't want you to need me.  I want you to want me." Now, let me explain why this is utter shite...

What these bozos really ought to be saying is that they don't want to have to get emotionally involved in the situation cuz that's what they really mean.  They're afraid she might get clingy and needy.  God forbid, she have normal female emotions that are messy and confusing for these poor, emotionally-stunted morons.

My most recent ex pulled this crap on me too.... He was really big on semantics.  He kept correcting me all the time about the difference of want and need... Yes, I said *correcting ME* on the difference which I found infuriating.  I tried to let it slide because we had much bigger issues than this in particular.  But, dear reader, it won't take you long to see a pattern of incompatibility a mile long.

I mentioned in my profile that I am sensitive.  Let me clarify.  I'm empathic.  That means I am deeply in tune with the emotions of the people around me.  If you are unsettled, I am unsettled.  His emotions were dark.  He lives with everything bottled up like if one day if you popped the top he'd go on a homicidal rampage.  He lives in constant fear of what is inside the bottle.  So if you are empathic and you have the tremendous upheaval of moving across coast on the hopes and dreams of being with the one you'd love for the rest of your life and this bottle, and a whole lot of uncertainty on his part, is presented right after you de-board the plane, you will most likely panic as I did.  So did I want reassurance or did I need it?

Listen up, Mr Need/Want.  If you want to go about your life seeking sexual thrills, by all means have at it.  DON'T, however, try to have a real relationship because you just aren't qualified.  You, in fact, will fail miserably making both you and your intended very unhappy.