Sub Narcissists?

I was very keenly interested in a post on HuffPost today about dating a narcissist.  I wouldn't have thought this would even be a topic of discussion on this blog, but after reading these points I see that the fool that angered me enough to actually begin this blog in the first place fits these points to a T.  I'll give you a run down so you don't have to click on the link here, unless you wish to.

Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed?  How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?

Well, I can tell you how.  The men like this are only interested in their own arousal.  They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs.  They don't even know what a real woman wants.  I don't think they really care either.  They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off.  That's about it.

This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away. 
2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me.  He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it.  Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast.  I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out.  Upon return his answer was always that we break up.    That was his answer to everything.  I tried to reason with him, but to no avail.  There was nothing to reason with.  He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.

The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping.  I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal.  Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive.  Just NO.

If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all.  He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).

Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him.  That's not how it works, idiot.  I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me.  If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared.  This doesn't happen in a vacuum.

This is not the behavior of a submissive.  A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally.  He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it. 

I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing.  Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first.  It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong.  But they are loathe to admit it!  It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing.  "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future.  Own up.

Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future.  I am not going through that again.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 2

If this is pic resembles your behavior when chatting, messaging, emailing, or in any way contacting a woman without her express permission for you to do so, you are behaving completely contrary to being the respectful, subby you claim to be.  If you troll collarme or some other sites looking for any woman to talk to for wank material,  you are a manipulative, self-centered user.  You are NOT, I repeat NOT, a SUBMISSIVE.  What you are doing is akin to abuse, and something women all over the net need to become aware of.

The term "time-waster" is sort of an umbrella term for lots of douchebag behavior, including but not limited to: wasting someone's time with promises for meeting but never intending to and wasting someone's time for wank purposes.  But that sounds so much more benign than it actually is.  This is deliberate manipulation for sexual purposes... sounds a bit like rape, doesn't it?  Maybe not quite that severe but I definitely see it as destructive, manipulative,  abusive, selfish, and exploitive.

Women are aware that men like this are out there.  They talk all the time about how annoyed they are that they got "duped" again by some asshole that wasted their night only to not live up to their promises. Often women will try to "feel out" the situation hoping to catch the wanker before he gets to finish, thereby ruining his good time.

I, for one, as completely disgusted with this behavior.  It's one thing if you seek out chatrooms where two people meet with the same agenda, it's something entirely else if you are using someone's time to beat your pud.  Shame on you, reader, if you have done this to anyone.

I'm so tired of this behavior that I'm trigger happer.  I rip into anyone speaking even hypothetically about sex.  It's unfortunate, but true.  I just don't trust men online anymore until they prove themselves to not be an asshole.

I can't tell you how many times I got used over the years on collarme because I was too naive to understand what was going on.  I'd get a message for a guy with no profile or half a profile looking to "talk" and inevitably the discussion would lead to likes and dislikes (the real wankers usually looking to skip right to the end).  This would just as quickly lead to a sudden disappearance act or a "I've got to go but I'll talk to you soon" (reminiscent of "I'll call you").  And that would be it.  He'd disappear, maybe even block me.  And while I was attempting to open up to this person I thought was seeking my conversation, he was using me for a good time.  So I think quite fairly I've become quite a bit guarded.

I laid into a guy recently for talking about male orgasm (Tantric teachings) with me, partially because he told me something I already know as if he was teaching me something (which irritates the hell out of me), but mostly because he said that not ejaculating was going to make my partner "more submissive" and that he's want to "provide me with ritual oral" every morning.  DID I OR DID I NOT make it clear in MANY posts thus far that I do NOT agree with the FLR orgasm denial bullshit?  DID I OR DID I NOT mention that I don't think that sex has ANYTHING to do with being in charge?  So either he didn't bother to read my entire blog or he was looking to start a conversation about sex with me.  This sends up flaming red flags, and I admittedly blasted him... probably unnecessarily.  Still he was out of line to assume I didn't know what he knew.  That's hubris, and I won't have it.

For the record, I don't want sex every day.  I want it when I want it.... which varies and is perhaps more than the average but by no means as often as an "everyday ritual".  Good grief.  Did I not say I don't want a regimented lifestyle?  Ya know, reader, it would be wise to brush up on what I have talked about in the past to not piss me off in email....  just a thought.

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