Protocol

A new term has become popular on CM, a fad like many others. It's protocol, and it is loosely defined as a very structured lifestyle with often very strict behavior rules. Things associated are like eye restrictions, speech restrictions, very specific schedules, etc.

It sounds an awful lot like military training, doesn't it?  With a female drill sergeant.

While I have no trouble with micro-managing a partner, the last thing on the planet I would ever seek is for him to never speak. It seems to me that this is just what many men would like: to not have to talk about their feelings or learn how to be emotionally supportive. They get to do the tasks assigned that provide them with comfort and arousal *and* they don't have to hear about all that girly mushy stuff.

Okay..... How exactly is this not selfishness? How does this benefit a woman unless she's completely unidimensional? I mean really. Okay so she's got a clean house and sexual service on command.... But where is the relationship part?  Maybe this is fine for a part time playmate you don't care about but who could sustain a relationship like this? Who would want to? Not I!

This falls under several categories of kink I find completely disingenuous, that are all sold as "ways to serve", but serve no one but the sub. I find the whole thing distasteful.

If you serve me, it's to serve my needs.  If you are only interested in your own, you already lost my interest.  I'm not here to be a provider of your kink for you, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take on another job in my life, for example, milking your prostate every day.  Um, no.  If we are even going to pretend that this is about me, then this is not how it works at all.

I don't find taking on another job even remotely sexy.  I find a boy doing things for me without self interest, however, very sexy, very loving, and very appealing.

The Relationship EZ-Pass

I can't stress enough how much it bothers me that *some* sub men think that if they go into kink that that means they can bypass everything they normally have to do in a relationship and go straight to the sex/kink combo.  What is this about?

I can't speak for other Domme women, only myself, but I find this really irritating.  Just because I joined X site and have some unusual tastes in the bedroom does not mean that I am any less a woman in any other area of my life.  I'm not some pr0n Domme that will only interact with a guy when I want to do kink-related stuff.  I still have normal emotional needs and I expect my partner to listen, care, and tend to those.  I, foolishly, would think a sub man should want to care even more than a vanilla man because he's claiming to worship this woman that is his Domme.  Apparently not.

Perhaps it's not a conscious choice.  Perhaps the men in the kink realm are just more dysfunctional than vanilla men and their expectations are "different" because they can't function in a normal vanilla relationship anyway?  This seems entirely possible.  Or perhaps they are just like the guy above in the cartoon plus mask, collar, and cuffs?  Far more likely.

This leads me to an important question:  what is worship from the sub perspective?  In many cases, it seems to me that sub men have a very different idea about what that is than I do.  I see all these profiles of guys saying "I don't want anything but to serve." and "I have no needs but to serve my Goddess."  I think there's a disconnect here.  It seems to me that it is men who have set the expectations for what a woman is supposed to have as a "Goddess" or most women in the kink realm are just as dysfunctional emotionally as the men are.

I don't really have an answer to this one.  I'm just musing on this peculiar phenomenon.  It's made for a very long 7 years with collarme, certainly.  This last ex seemed like he understood what caring for my needs would look like online but in person he just couldn't handle it.  He clearly had a disconnect between online and real life.  Once he couldn't just press a button to make me go away (ie. had complete power over the situation) he crumpled into fetal position and lashed out at me like a frightened child.

I, at least partially, blame the internets for this.  I also blame him for using work, internets, games, and anything else to avoid dealing with what is going on inside him.  He, and many others, seem to think that relationships are where two people live parallel lives with each other and only intersect for brief companionship and sex/kink.  That is NOT love.

Spheres of Dominance

(My model.  Please give credit where credit is due.  Thank you.)

Model for the Spheres of Dominance.

As I understand it, there are three spheres of in which dominance can play a role: public, private, and bedroom.  Within these three spheres you find the majority of views of where male or female leadership should reside.

Public, represented by the brown sphere, is the realm of public social behavior.  It includes legal and social treatment of both genders.  Currently, one would say that in the United States currently male is still the dominant (in all spheres really).  While laws have been changed to make things more equal there are continually forces that want to overturn them and socially men just still have the upper hand.

Private, represented by the blue sphere, is the realm of personal loving relationships.  Again, most often men are assumed to be leader in the home although more and more women are stepping up the plate to change this.  It's still a man's world and plenty of women, particularly religious ones, are eager to give up their rightful control in favor of lack of responsibility.  Vile, frankly.

Bedroom, represented by the red sphere, is exactly what it sounds like.  It's who is the aggressor in the bedroom.  This is very much a toss up.  Plenty of people who are dominant in their public life choose to let go of that in the bedroom and play the opposite role.  Plenty are the same in every sphere.  It depends.  It's, of course, traditional for the man to take the lead in this arena but plenty of guys today like an aggressive woman, bdsm or not.

Now for me, I'm interested in the private sphere primarily, even and above the bedroom sphere.  While yes I am aggressive in the bedroom it and would prefer both spheres to be in charge of, not having the bedroom would not affect my behavior in the private sphere.... they are completely separate in my opinion.

So ideally, the yellow line represents what I control versus the matriarchy femdom types, represented by the green line, that seek to impose female leadership in every sphere or the bedroom only types that are merely kinksters, sensation players, etc.

Further, I'd like to add here that while I intend to lead my home I do not have an agenda to turn all spheres into matriarchy nor do I seek to make all households look like my ideal.  I firmly believe that my dominance is part of my nature and that everyone's nature is their own to figure out: self-determination.  I do no intend to advocate imposing my beliefs or what's right for me on others.  I think that's a foolhardy endeavor.

That said, in all situations where I have seen female led households they have functioned better and the relationship has lasted longer and with more happiness... but my sample size is small.  :)

Lastly, it is my opinion that the world would function a lot better if the genders were equally represented in the government.  I believe that men have made a giant mess just like they do in a home when left to their own devices.... Women are far under-represented and I do believe that in an equal society we'd be far more functional as a species.