I hear a lot, "So what makes you different from a bitchy, high maintenance woman?" I find this question pretty offensive. I don't think women should be referred to in this manner but so be it. First and foremost, I'm not a bitch. I don't seek to make anyone's life miserable. In fact, most that know me would call me pretty giving and selfless. I try very hard for people, including my partner. I don't think demanding care and attention makes anyone bitchy. Second, I suppose I would have to admit to being high maintenance, although my type of high maintenance is emotional. I suppose for some that would be considered harder and worse than financial but tough luck. What this means, then, is that I expect my partner to be a caring listener... and that includes if he has done something wrong as well.
I think the relationship between me and my partner can best be described as captain and first-mate or head chef and sous chef. Not only do I expect authority I expect trust in my judgment. As I have said many times I expect to earn it. Final decisions are mine to make. I dictate the schedules, the importance of projects, and who is to be where and when. This includes dictating chores he's to do.
I expect emotional dependence from my partner. I don't seek someone that wishes a lot of autonomy or grumbles at having to check in with me about what they are doing. If I say to do something, I expect it to start immediately and if it can't I want to know why. I'm completely reasonable and understand that things come up but that's where he should be checking in with me. If that level of control is uncomfortable or unwanted then don't seek me out. Hell, even I announce what I'm doing and in what order with the intention of looking for more information that will help make a better schedule. I don't just do things and expect my partner or roommate or friends to just wait around for me or not have expectations of me. I don't understand this mentality at all.
So daily, aside from his work time, which I have no intention of interfering with, his time is my time. I don't accept nights out with the boys or dinners/activities alone with ex-girlfriends/ex-wives/etc. I expect that sometimes we would want to do different things, alla hobbies, games, whatever and time would be allotted for that, but otherwise home time is my time and time for doing things together. Of course, I value quality time over quantity of time. So during that time I have I want it filled with clear and open connection, talking, and fun activities.
I do NOT intend to live parallel lives with my partner. I'd like us to be best friends in addition to the love and D/s that we share. We should be deeply engaged in each other or we break up. End of story. I have no time or patience for less. He should feel like he can't wait to get home to spend time with me and I with him. If we don't, something is wrong.
I expect him to be open and honest about who he is and what he wants. Don't make shit up just to try to make things work with me. Don't pretend to be something you aren't. If you lie on the application you are wasting both our times because I will find out eventually and I will fire you, got it?
I am the teacher in this relationship. If you feel don't have anything else to learn in this life, we are not compatible. That said, I am not opposed to learning as well. I always listen and revise my beliefs and opinions based on new information presented. I expect it to be presented in a humble and respectful manner. A condescending or authoritarian tone is not acceptable ever.
I don't have a punishment system. I lecture when I'm pissed off. Apparently, I have a very sharp tone when I'm angry. I don't feel I need to change for you. You shouldn't push me to a place that gets that tone in the first place and if you do, you deserve what you get. If I'm that angry you've probably tried to assert authority or said something really stupid. It doesn't take much to calm me down but damn well learn what it is and DO IT.
On that note, I am not one of those women that doesn't say why I'm upset. I'm usually say exactly what is troubling me, why it upset me, and how you can make it better, in that order. The right response to that is NOT to get defensive or to invalidate my feelings. The right response does not include yelling at me for anything. The right response does not include denial or misrepresenting what happened. Accept what you did, apologize, mean it, atone, and we move on.
So very simply, we go back to the concept of union and the spiritual path that leads to it. For men, this is a journey of self discovery, of letting go of a lot of ingrained misogyny, of learning how to be truly submissive in the relationship.
Note: I don't have a set schedule for how I run my life and likewise I don't want to be expected to provide one for anyone else. Yes, I want a man to do most of the chores around the house. Yes, I want my needs to be attended to. I'd like most of life to be fairly spontaneous and not scheduled down to the last minute. I am somewhat of a planner but I don't like rigid, structured days either. This isn't the army. This is real life.
Oooooooooooo, Sister TrueDomme, TELL IT! My only criticism, and this is just my personal opinion, you might seriously want to try a little punishment for when he screws up. 'cos he's gonna mess up. Trust me! ;) Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all human and imperfect and blah--I dig that. BUT--I also dig your Spiritual Quest! That's awesome! TRAIN that boy and make a real man out of him--one that is most worthy to serve you and kneel before you as your submissive. Yes, my Sister, IT IS all about you! Well-stated and best of luck to you!
ReplyDelete*smiles* Fair criticism. I will have to think on what I would consider real punishment. I don't believe that fetish stuff is punishment. If they want it... then it can't be punishment, in my opinion. Thank you for the vote of confidence, Sister, it's very much appreciated. BTW, I've added a link to your blog cuz you're pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteWhat a refreshing read. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI still don't understand why you call yourself a "Domme" and not just a very demanding, and controlling woman.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I understand, a "Domme" uses sexuality to control her man. That is, the fact that a man is indeed "horny all the time" is used to control him. It's an art.
Have you looked up the definition of "dominant"? Does it say ANYTHING about sex in the definition? NO, it doesn't. Just because you want to own the word for a single purpose doesn't mean I or anyone else has to let you.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't call BDSM an art. I think that's giving it way too much credit. BDSM is more likely a form of sex therapy for people who have had some sort of trauma in their lives. It may help in that sort of way but it's not really the complete answer. Real therapy still should be sought.
True Domme...
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU!
My "adult playtime" partner and I have been playing for over a year in varying levels of intensity. Because we're also friends and our relationship is complex ("complicated" is overly/incorrectly used, I find), he and I have been able to confide many a dark secret in each other. I'm far more comfortable being a sub due to both my own personality traits and my own conscious choice, and usually am a sub because he is an excellent Dom -powerful without being controlling, and in fact eager for honest communication- but recently, we've been developing a Domme scenario to fulfill both of our needs for role reversal.
I stumbled at first because many other sources of Domme inspiration or training I found were violent, angry, and frankly, embarrassing to view/read/witness in any way. It was, like you said in another post, as if they were asking for a man in a woman's body, and a poor example and gross generalization of a man at that. That isn't me! For a while, I thought it was somehow an inherent character flaw of mine, that I didn't want to treat men like that, but after stepping back, I saw that it wasn't that simple. As a tough sub, I understand that I have an enormous responsibility to tell my Dom when anything makes me even remotely uncomfortable, and he fully appreciates when I let him into my mind, because then he can feel so much more powerful, knowing he is pleasing and serving me in every way I want him to, and through that, he is WILDLY aroused and satisfied.
I found your blog while looking for inspiration for my Domme name. Instead of continuing this theme I've been choking on of "men are dogs, men are stupid, men need punishment, I'm going to make him suffer for the audacity of being male, and I'm going to be the filthiest woman I can be to prove I'm his Owner", you're talking about what it means to have a loving, eager-to-please pet, someone to stimulate, seduce, and when the time comes, how to "control" your sub without making it feel like the beginning of an episode of Law and Order:SVU. (I'm a lifelong dog owner, and train by rewarding for doing right instead of punishing for doing wrong. Same as being a Domme, I now know!)
As someone who is excited to unleash her inner Domme, and really, as a strong woman, I say again...
THANK YOU!
-L