So, how much of kink is fulfillment of something that is 1) really a replacement for or an unusual way to try to achieve some goal or state of being and 2) completely unrealistic as a way of achieving said state. Using his example, how likely is it to maintain the infatuation stage of a relationship no matter hard one tries? Or even what someone tries?
I don't think this one takes a lot of brain power.
I've also seen many times that kink is also about compartmentalized intimacy, or even fake intimacy, since a BDSM relationship is at best hard to maintain and at worst nigh impossible to find for F/m. I feel that in many cases that men use BDSM as an outlet for bottled feelings, release and relieve feelings of anger, inadequacy, fear, et cetera, but once the "session" is over go right back to bottling again and never truly letting someone in nor ever truly facing those demons.
This is my running theory based on a very unofficial, and amateur even, polling of hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations I've had with men on kink sites over the years. I have yet to meet anyone that has challenged this theory successfully.
That's not to say I think kink is wrong. I don't. I have a very live and let live lifestyle. Two or more consenting adults are welcome to do just about whatever they like together as long as it isn't scarring or deadly. I just don't have to think it's the best way to do things. It's called an opinion, and I'm entitled. (You are welcome to yours too, as long as you disagree in a respectful manner I'll allow the comment to post.)
What other goals might one be seeking? I've heard bigger and better orgasms. I supposed that might be a legitimate reason to pursue kink. I don't see the point in the fake submission/compliance part when the goal is self serving, though. I feel like many women are giving in to faking the kink, so that they can get the compliance they actually want. I've even seen women admit this in forums. So, instead of being steadfast in demanding what they actually want, they are faking what their husband wants to get compliance that is actually still male self-serving. That's a crappy trade in my opinion.
Why would one settle for this? I just can't wrap my head around it.
You've asked a lot of really tough questions in this post that aren't easy to answer.
ReplyDeletePartially because kink is different things to different people. There is no rule book that lays down the law for what this or that fetish means. We all come up with our own definition of what it means to be who we are.
How likely is it to maintain the infatuation stage of a relationship no matter hard one tries?
I think this question applies to all relationships, not just kink. There is a "honeymoon" phase to all relationships. That dreamy eyed state where we haven't seen the other person's imperfections yet. It's making the relationship work after that point that's the real trick. That's when you know you care for or love someone. When you see all their flaws and still love them.
As for compartmentalized intimacy... Keep in mind that men aren't encouraged to show their feelings. It's actually looked down upon in many ways. Kink can, in a way, give them permission to show those feelings. It's a role that allows them to open up. Step out of that role and it goes back to being hard to show those feelings that are looked down at by a society that says men should be strong.
Your last question is so complex and difficult to answer I don't even think there's room enough in this comment box to go into it. To say that both people feel trapped and are just doing what they need to in order to survive is barely scraping the surface of the topic...