Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed? How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?
Well, I can tell you how. The men like this are only interested in their own arousal. They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs. They don't even know what a real woman wants. I don't think they really care either. They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off. That's about it.
This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:
- When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.
- When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
- When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
- He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
- He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
- His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me. He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it. Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast. I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out. Upon return his answer was always that we break up. That was his answer to everything. I tried to reason with him, but to no avail. There was nothing to reason with. He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.
The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping. I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal. Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive. Just NO.
If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all. He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).
Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him. That's not how it works, idiot. I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me. If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared. This doesn't happen in a vacuum.
This is not the behavior of a submissive. A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally. He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it.
I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing. Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first. It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong. But they are loathe to admit it! It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing. "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future. Own up.
Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future. I am not going through that again.
