In his Words... Surrender

I've recently had the pleasure of spending time with a very sweet and intelligent boy that goes by the username, gorget.  I've asked him to share his thoughts on surrendering.


"Surrendering control, from my humble perspective, is essentially a contract between the two parties.


For the male, it is an acknowledgement that the woman is in the best position to make decisions for them both, given her higher emotional intelligence, greater empathy and more insightful social perception. She has a more wholesome blend of skills to manage the health of the relationship, free as she is from the selfish, short term thoughts that a man can suffer from as and when he thinks with his cock.


In submitting, the man is relieved of the burden of control, and in knowing that the woman's decisions are for the benefit of both it is a pleasure to obey. The arrangement builds trust and encourages communication, diminishing the chances of a lack of either wrecking the relationship as so many others fall prey to. The man will find an ever increasing respect and bond with the woman as she accepts him as a submissive, and the woman will be rewarded with increasing joy as the mutual happiness bears fruit and all barriers to intimacy are stripped away.


So, if the male and female have the courage together to defy the expectations of society in who should lead the relationship they open themselves up to the possibility of something so much greater than can otherwise be achieved. "


[Edit: Sadly it was not meant to be. Where there's one there ought to be more, yes?]

More on Compartmentalization & Psychology

I can understand why someone would say that they need to be able to compartmentalize to function.  I wasn't saying that anyone should completely do away with it completely.  I agree that everyone needs to be able to put away feelings, for example, at work because no one is going to just understand why you are a weepy mess at a business meeting.

I do, however, think that compartmentalization is a very bad way to deal with emotions at home.  Functional humans have to learn to understand their feelings and be able to express them in a healthy manner.  This is learned by women from birth.  You can learn it too.

Most women don't ever evolve to the point of being able to rationally explain exactly what they are feeling, nor do they ever learn that the silent treatment, for example, is not something men understand instinctually.  I, on the other hand, am both logical and emotional so I am able to explain exactly what I feel, why I feel it, and what I need to make it better.  What the man has to do in that situation is show me he understands why I'm upset and then provide the comfort I outlined.  Pretty simple really.

The compartmentalization can horribly trip men up when that's their sole way of dealing with hurt, and some actually expect women to basically handle their own emotions alone.  That's just not how we work as a species.  And really, men only do that because they are taught never to show vulnerability.  Well, I SEEK that vulnerability.  So the evolution of my partner requires that he learn the language of emotion, and not expect sex or pain or menial tasks as a proxy way to deal with problems.  I may want some additional atonement behaviors but generally that's after the emotional stuff is sorted.

I think men sometimes like bdsm because it seems like a simple answer to things.  That's not really reality, guys.  The business world, the military, and the legal system pretty much work that way, but relationships do not.  It's not x offense = y punishment.  And really if you think about it... even the legal system isn't really like that because were have civil law to provide compensation for damage done, because prison time is often just not enough.

Often the kink desires people have are just psychological needs that can be fulfilled in healthier ways, I think. And while I can't just give simple equations: humiliation = x emotion/need/whatever.  I can dig into that desire, find out it's root, and figure out where it comes from.  Maybe there's a healthier way to deal with it that actually provides more satisfaction than the kink might have.

I know, for example, my interest in marking my partner is related to feeling abandoned by my exhusband.  Physical displays of ownership make me feel safer.  A man wearing a chastity device while away from me also makes me feel safer.  The chastity devices also allow me to test my attractiveness to my partner, which is a turn on.  These needs can be handled other ways.  A man can behave in a way that is shows his loyalty which would over time inspire trust. 

Men aren't the best at being loyal, however, so perhaps physical restraints are necessary.  

Real Tantra: part 1

Woman is the creator of the universe the universe is her form; woman is the foundation of the world, she is the true form of the body. In woman is the form of all things, of all that lives and moves in the world. There is no jewel rarer than woman, no condition superior to that of a woman. -Shaktisangama Tantra


When a man solely worships a woman for the way his penis reacts to her, he has cheapened all women.  When a man beats or scolds or thinks himself superior to women, he is fighting against nature herself like child having a tantrum.  A man that cannot admit he has something to learn from women; he is the truest of fools. 


Men have built religions that honor maleness, placed male strengths as the highest ideals, and congratulated themselves for their position of power, but some are starting to see through the façade.  Doesn't it seem like they are trying to convince themselves?  It certainly seems that way to me.  


Ancient tantric yogis knew that woman was the first form of the body, and we sad creatures, it took us multiple millennia and science to figure out this simple biological fact.  Man is derivative.  He is an altered female.  It doesn't take much to see that.  

My history professor explained male anatomy through analogy.  He remembered growing up with the family Plymouth Fury.  He said that it came in two additions: the souped-up verison with the clock, the radio, and the cigarette lighter, and the base version which had metal plates over those three areas.  Boys, stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself why you have nipples.  They serve absolutely no biological function for men.  It's rather like the metal plates covering the missing mammary glands.  A woman creates a fully sustainable ecosystem within which to grow a new life... and the best you can manage is genetic material delivery.  The egg is the part that actually does all the work to form life.  Sperm are just chromosomes with propulsion. 


I'm not saying we don't need men or that men have no value.  I don't think that's fair at all.  I do, however, think that reassessment of our values is in order.  I think it is wrong to treat women as chattel to be locked away AND as constant sexual objects.... and if men are truly to worship women, it must be done for the right reasons.  Current BDSM practices do not do anything but allow men to constantly focus on their penis.  

Another Valentine's

Well, another Valentine's Day has passed.  I'm seriously fed up with online dating.  I'm disgusted with meat market the whole thing has become.  WTF is wrong with men that they see these websites as cheap stores to buy pussy (Domme/sub/vanilla, doesn't matter) for an evening.  The scammer game ought to be illegal, yet it's societally accepted as the woman's fault if she spreads her legs.  Or worse, she's a cock tease if she goes on the date and doesn't put out.  This is a disgusting mentality.

No one is entitled access to my body in exchange for a crap dinner at a restaurant!  If you want a cheap whore, go buy one!  Don't give me this fake, "I'm so interested in your conversation" bullshit when I can see in your eyes, "when will this bitch shut up and blow me/beat me?"  Um, never, dickhole, cuz I read your thoughts through your eyes... so guess what, I'm having another bottle of wine and dessert and you can go on your blue-balled way.

It's really not any different on the bdsm personnels.  Men want the wham-bam-thank you-ma'am version of a relationship everywhere.  They want all the sex/kink without all the trappings of the heart.  Well, gee, I'm so sorry you're too much of wimp to actually get involved, but I'm not interested in the bedroom with anyone until there's a commitment and feelings.

Shame on all of you that think that it's okay to trick naive women into being used for the evening.  Orgasms don't even enter into it.  You are still lying, using and leaving a woman.  Nothing makes that okay.  NOTHING.

Is love dead?  I seriously have to ask this.  Are you all so warped and jaded that you're too afraid to feel?  How is it that you manage to not have conscience about using another human being?  And worse, a woman?  I really want an answer to this, especially from a man that claims to worship women.

Before we take this any further....

It's been a while since I've posted here.  I guess I haven't been properly motivated with rage to warrant the type of catharsis that goes into my usual writing here.  Well today, you might say I've been properly inspired.

 So I finally get a worthwhile message on my "personals" (I put that in quotes for the retardation that is collarme), and it's from a professor who clearly has a brilliant mind, well-rounded in his interests, and even reads philosophy for fuck sake (my undergrad degree was in philosophy).  We have a brief but lovely discussion about economics and thinkers that shape who we are.  I can't think of a better way to start an dialogue with someone.  We seemed completely on the same page.  Then I did something dumb: I got my hopes up.

And then it comes, the line I dread on these stupid fucking asshole sites: "Before we take this any further..."  And you know nothing good is going to come after that opener.  Sure as shit he's already involved.  Well, why the fuck are you on this site then?  And WHY don't you say this on your profile?  But these are just rhetorical questions because I can venture a guess.

Either this guy is a) a wanker (see definition on post about types of guys that frequent BDSM personals sites) looking for fodder to pull his pud to, b) on the lookout for someone "better" than his current gf/wife, and/or in my case c) he's looking for intellectual stimulation because at home he finds none.  And as I said to him, if the latter is true then heaven help him.  Upon reflection, I'm guessing the correct A & C are the correct answers.

Congratulations, asshole.  You managed to become a time waster.  I should have known something wasn't right when your location was all screwy.  Fuck everything about you.  You don't deserve my time.  You don't deserve my company.  If you were looking for friends you should have said so in your first email.  It's up to ME to decide if I want to pursue that.  You have no right to spring that on me after the fact.

I'm seething with fury as this exact moment.  I could totally channel Tisiphone right now.  Google it.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 3

I received this message today on collarme.  Yah yah I know I should just delete this account.  I never log in so I sort dismissed the need to... anyway, when messages like the following pop up, I see it as a mass learning experience.  See the following:


Miss,
I'm a sub looking to find the right one to give myself to. I always strive to do everything I can to please the one I am serving. I can be a personal attendant, errand boy, maid, furniture, or anything else my Mistress might need. My limits are few and far between, as I believe the property of the one I am serving belongs to them, and they should decide what is done with me.
I especially enjoy giving myself up to strong, powerful, demanding women who know exactly what they want. If you think you might have any sort of use for me, I'd be honored to hear back from you.


In the first in this series of posts I discussed the generic emails that I have received in the past and the casting of wide nets.  This is a prime example of one of these letters.  Note that this person made absolutely no mention of anything in my profile, offered no distinguishing information to make it clear his interest was in me,  and spoke in as broad and general terms as possible.  He clearly is fishing.


While I understand that it would take a lot of time to write an individualized letter for someone that may never respond, it seems like your chances of getting a response should increase significantly if you did.  I'd like to think that women are smart enough to see through this.  Maybe I'm wrong since men still continue to do this.


This actually reminds me of the man that goes around the bar or party asking each woman if she will have sex with him.  While he may get slapped a lot, he must succeed often enough that he continues the tactic....


So perhaps my plead here has to start with the ladies.  Gals, please do not respond to this type of email no matter what he promises you.  A guy willing to send out this type of garbage email is does not and will never value you.  Have a bit more dignity than to honor this douchecanoe with more your time than he deserves.  He's out to use someone to have his fantasies fulfilled, nothing more.


If you haven't already, please answer a few questions for me.
http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22D44C3WRD4

As Requested: My Perfect Partner

My perfect partner is strong but soft, deeply intellectual but tempered with emotional intelligence, may not be model attractive but has kind features and the attitude to match, sexy but not sex-obsessed, proud of his accomplishments but humble with me, refuses to be a doormat but wants to give me the world, understands and expresses his emotions, welcomes my support but isn't a chronic whiner, expects the best out of me but doesn't tear me down if I fail sometimes, would gladly spend every waking minute with me but grudgingly heads off to work responsibly, must touch some part of me at all times but doesn't make me feel like it's always leading somewhere, has an artistic side but doesn't want to be a starving artist (not accounting for the current nightmare recession), has a dry British sense of humor but knows when it is NOT appropriate to make a joke, has something to teach me but realizes he has even more to learn from me, treats my love everyday as a gift he doesn't deserve but accepts my reassurance that he does, willing to let his guard down to meld with me on many levels and doesn't run because he feels something.

He would have to be able to handle my sensitivity with grace and tact.  He'd have to be able to think through the implications of his words, yet convince me over time that I need not over think because I know he means well.  He needs to get me to trust him with my whole being.  He needs to earn that every moment of every day.

He has to go where he says he's going.  Call me when he is going to be late.  Be apologetic if late.  Explain the delay, and ask for my forgiveness.  Preferably bring flowers.  And he should NEVER stand me up (ie. you better be dead or have a relative die for you not show up).

He should always be thinking about how to make me happy.  He should learn my needs through our conversations, and he should put those needs ahead of his own.

In a fight, he should NOT fly off the handle.  He should not say things he can't take back.  He should not storm off, rave like a lunatic, or make every fight an excuse to try to end the relationship.  He should focus on calming me down, not me have to chase him to calm him down.  He should listen to reason just as easily as listening to my feelings about things (even things he's done wrong).

He should not want/need a "night out with the boys", but rather want to involve me in whatever activities I want to be involved in.  He shouldn't want to "get away" from me.  He should want to participate in my activities as well.

If we talk about a matter we disagree on, he should not try to overpower me to win the argument but rather use gentle, humble reasoning to win me over.  Aggression in a man is not attractive at home.  A little sexual aggression is acceptable, however, but he has to learn when and how much.

He should wish to hug me tightly in bed at night, and not prefer to have been alone.  He should want to share all of himself with me, all his thoughts, his hopes and dreams, his needs and desires, his fears,  his ambitions, everything....  AND he should listen to the same from me as well.... whenever I need to share it.

He should let me in to see him as he really is, and not the facade he portrays to the rest of the world.  He should want that we be one in every way that is conceivably possible for two humans, and not strive to keep his autonomy.  He should accept my leadership the way I naturally lead, and not how he's been fantasizing it should occur.

He should accept his place as my first mate (sailing lingo).  He should take primary role in the kitchen as sous chef.  He should be prepare to do at least half of the household chores, and preferably the ones I find most distasteful.  He should fetch me things when I need them.  He should be the one to shut out the light at night.  He should be prepared to wear some symbol beyond a wedding band that shows my ownership.  He should put me and the health of the couple first, in his thoughts, his actions, his ambitions.

He should not be selfish.  He should be honorable.  He should believe in helping those less fortunate.  He should donate, volunteer, or both.  He should believe that honesty is the best policy (but be wise enough to know when to temper honesty with tact).  He should love his mother, have a good role model in his father, or at least strive to make up for either.  He should be agnostic, or at least be able to defend a position of faith with something other than circular logic.  He should honor his culture but value universal human rights.  He should give up his seat on the bus for the elderly.  He should strive to know more and to be more than he is.  He should read.  He should be okay with sharing the big spoon/little spoon positions.