Infantilism

I hate this pic more than you can imagine.

“No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who is an expert on Christian domestic abuse, told the Daily Beast. “A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”  

This quote comes from an article on CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline).  CDD is supposedly a consensual lifestyle that is M/f in which the male spanks his wife assert his "biblical authority over her."  While I have always had the "live and let live" policy towards personal relationships, I find this abusive.  The article outlines not only the lifestyle, but the author uncovers that some women feel trapped and frightened by what their relationships have become.  It says to me that the bible is being used to trap women into abusive relationships... something that is a chronic problem in this country and around the world.  1 in 3 women around the world has been physically or sexually assaulted by an intimate partner.  That's not a lifestyle, that's an epidemic, and it needs to be stopped.

The quote above also sums up in just one sentence why I'm not really into physical discipline or humiliation to get a partner to submit to my authority.  Very simply: I don't want to date/marry an infant.  I think it's damaging to someone and creates an atmosphere of feeling trapped.  I'm not about trapping or abusing someone I care about.  How could I respect someone in that situation?

What I want to create is an aura in the relationship of safety where a man can feel it's okay to be everything society tells him it's not okay to be.  I'm happy to take the role of leader and emotional rock, so he can heal the side of himself that has been crushed.  I want him to express what is natural to him.

I can't do this, though, without his complete and complicit consent.  I can't step into a relationship and order around a man that doesn't want this lifestyle.  I suppose I could abuse a man into breaking, but what would that say about both of us?  I'm not an abuser.  I don't come to this without my own emotional baggage, but I am not looking to hurt anyone.  

The Office of Violence Against Women (OVW) gives this as a definition for domestic violence:

"a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner."

This can be anything from physical to emotional abuse to manipulation and threats.  I don't want to be part of any of the above.  I don't think taking the punishment for eons of male behavior makes up for any of it.  I also think that acting as if you need abuse to "put" you in "subspace" is a cop out and purely a sexual thing.  I'm not going to be an instrument of your self-centered sexuality.

To sum up, while I do think it's possible to have a consensual BDSM relationship, whether F/m or M/f, I do think it's important for the dominant to have clear boundaries for themselves and for their subs that is agreed upon by both ahead of time.  If that contract is broken by the Dom/me, the sub has a right to leave or at the very minimum the right to question their behavior (and vice versa).  Acting outside those perimeters is a recipe of disaster and will likely end in therapy.

I think BDSM can be a way of working through psychological issues, but it should never be used to inflict further damage.  BDSM isn't a carte blanche and shouldn't be, regardless of what people's profiles say.  No one has no limits.  It's no wonder most of those subs never show up for meetings.  They can't really go through with their fantasies because instinctually they recognize that what they find sexy is also seriously dangerous.

That said, this is not what I'm looking for.  I am not aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation.  I am possessive, and I can be a dictator, but I am benevolent one.  I have the relationship's best interest at heart, even and above my own personal needs.  I think it's important to have someone be the rudder in the relationship that is finely tuned to maintaining it's ecosystem's balance.  I don't think men are instinctually capable of that and tend to be focused solely on what makes them feel good, but I would never tell others that they need to follow my way.

Kink & Inadequacy

While our society spends billions on selling women beauty inadequacy, it also sells men hyper masculinity inadequacy.  The rugged outdoorsman, the dominating boardroom executive, the aloof boyfriend... It's all over advertisements dripping with naked women and men too cool to notice them.  What is this doing to our men?  I think it's making you feel inadequate, and I think it's making you depressed.  It might even be driving you to fetishize humiliation as a way to process these feelings you can't express in this f'd up world.

I think the failure isn't in your inadequacy; I think this is a failure of culture norms.  Part of what I'm trying to accomplish here is a path out of these feelings to a healthier expression of who you are.  Okay so if you've read enough of my blog, you know nothing I write here is wank material, so you must be getting something out of this... Bear with me.

What I want, if I had my end game, is a more holistic concept of masculinity.  This would be one that accepts gays, accepts men in care-giver roles, accepts "malepolish," accepts crying, and allows men to be weak when they need to be.  I want a masculinity that doesn't abuse women.  I want a masculinity that is inclusive and not "me first." I want a masculinity allows my submissive partner to express who he is without fear of negative judgment from his "bros." All of these things already exist within masculinity, but if you want acceptance, you are going to have to fight for it.

This is a call to arms, a call to all the betas pretending to be leaders and hating themselves.  Stand up, and be who you are, because SOMEONE has to take the first step.  Why not let it be you?  Do you really think everyone will hate you?  You may just find that your friends have all felt the same way as you and we're waiting for someone else to speak up first.  It's all the same unspoken fear.  "I'm not a real man because..."

No man is that real man.  Each one of you is a human being!  Each is an individual, and frankly none of us are buying your tough guy crap anyway.  The thicker the layer the more we roll our eyes.

Truth is people will judge you regardless of what you do, so you might as well tell everyone to go to hell and just do it.  And while you're at it, tell your friends that their sexist jokes aren't funny and to stop normalizing objectification and abuse of women.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Sub Narcissists?

I was very keenly interested in a post on HuffPost today about dating a narcissist.  I wouldn't have thought this would even be a topic of discussion on this blog, but after reading these points I see that the fool that angered me enough to actually begin this blog in the first place fits these points to a T.  I'll give you a run down so you don't have to click on the link here, unless you wish to.

Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed?  How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?

Well, I can tell you how.  The men like this are only interested in their own arousal.  They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs.  They don't even know what a real woman wants.  I don't think they really care either.  They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off.  That's about it.

This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away. 
2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me.  He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it.  Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast.  I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out.  Upon return his answer was always that we break up.    That was his answer to everything.  I tried to reason with him, but to no avail.  There was nothing to reason with.  He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.

The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping.  I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal.  Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive.  Just NO.

If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all.  He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).

Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him.  That's not how it works, idiot.  I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me.  If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared.  This doesn't happen in a vacuum.

This is not the behavior of a submissive.  A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally.  He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it. 

I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing.  Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first.  It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong.  But they are loathe to admit it!  It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing.  "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future.  Own up.

Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future.  I am not going through that again.

Internet Dating Blues

Around and around the internet dating carnival ride goes.  I get a message, and it's a decent one, so I reply.  We get on.  We may move to skype or we may not.  And then it gets stuck.  The infinite loop of emails through cm, far too many conversations in Skype, and no meeting.  It's wasted months of my life at this point.

I suppose there's a variety of reasons this happens.  Even I have to admit that I've talked to men that I wasn't terribly keen on with the intent to give them a chance only to decide later it really wasn't going to happen.  Whether it be a photograph that did match the cam image or a personality that didn't match the eloquent emails I was receiving, I understand that what people think they are getting in a profile and the reality can be incongruent to say the least.

It amazes me though that I still get emails from married men.  This just slays me.  I am so very clear in my profile about what I am seeking, so what on earth would think I'd give them even a whisper of a chance.  The only time I made that mistake both of us ended up hurt, and it wasn't at all worth it.

Valentines Day is rapidly approaching yet again, and I am still single after 9 years on CM.  I get why people give up, but will you ever be truly happy seeking a relationship where you need to pretend to be something you're not?   I don't even have that option.   I can't act!

Over the last year I took some time to work on my career, hence my disappearance.  I also had nothing major to report as far as dating was concerned.  I had my heart broken by someone I clicked really well with, but who was really using CM for amusement while his wife did the real breadwinning.  When the cat's away and all that....

I'm over it.  Moving on.

Protocol

A new term has become popular on CM, a fad like many others. It's protocol, and it is loosely defined as a very structured lifestyle with often very strict behavior rules. Things associated are like eye restrictions, speech restrictions, very specific schedules, etc.

It sounds an awful lot like military training, doesn't it?  With a female drill sergeant.

While I have no trouble with micro-managing a partner, the last thing on the planet I would ever seek is for him to never speak. It seems to me that this is just what many men would like: to not have to talk about their feelings or learn how to be emotionally supportive. They get to do the tasks assigned that provide them with comfort and arousal *and* they don't have to hear about all that girly mushy stuff.

Okay..... How exactly is this not selfishness? How does this benefit a woman unless she's completely unidimensional? I mean really. Okay so she's got a clean house and sexual service on command.... But where is the relationship part?  Maybe this is fine for a part time playmate you don't care about but who could sustain a relationship like this? Who would want to? Not I!

This falls under several categories of kink I find completely disingenuous, that are all sold as "ways to serve", but serve no one but the sub. I find the whole thing distasteful.

If you serve me, it's to serve my needs.  If you are only interested in your own, you already lost my interest.  I'm not here to be a provider of your kink for you, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take on another job in my life, for example, milking your prostate every day.  Um, no.  If we are even going to pretend that this is about me, then this is not how it works at all.

I don't find taking on another job even remotely sexy.  I find a boy doing things for me without self interest, however, very sexy, very loving, and very appealing.

In his Words... Surrender

I've recently had the pleasure of spending time with a very sweet and intelligent boy that goes by the username, gorget.  I've asked him to share his thoughts on surrendering.


"Surrendering control, from my humble perspective, is essentially a contract between the two parties.


For the male, it is an acknowledgement that the woman is in the best position to make decisions for them both, given her higher emotional intelligence, greater empathy and more insightful social perception. She has a more wholesome blend of skills to manage the health of the relationship, free as she is from the selfish, short term thoughts that a man can suffer from as and when he thinks with his cock.


In submitting, the man is relieved of the burden of control, and in knowing that the woman's decisions are for the benefit of both it is a pleasure to obey. The arrangement builds trust and encourages communication, diminishing the chances of a lack of either wrecking the relationship as so many others fall prey to. The man will find an ever increasing respect and bond with the woman as she accepts him as a submissive, and the woman will be rewarded with increasing joy as the mutual happiness bears fruit and all barriers to intimacy are stripped away.


So, if the male and female have the courage together to defy the expectations of society in who should lead the relationship they open themselves up to the possibility of something so much greater than can otherwise be achieved. "


[Edit: Sadly it was not meant to be. Where there's one there ought to be more, yes?]

More on Compartmentalization & Psychology

I can understand why someone would say that they need to be able to compartmentalize to function.  I wasn't saying that anyone should completely do away with it completely.  I agree that everyone needs to be able to put away feelings, for example, at work because no one is going to just understand why you are a weepy mess at a business meeting.

I do, however, think that compartmentalization is a very bad way to deal with emotions at home.  Functional humans have to learn to understand their feelings and be able to express them in a healthy manner.  This is learned by women from birth.  You can learn it too.

Most women don't ever evolve to the point of being able to rationally explain exactly what they are feeling, nor do they ever learn that the silent treatment, for example, is not something men understand instinctually.  I, on the other hand, am both logical and emotional so I am able to explain exactly what I feel, why I feel it, and what I need to make it better.  What the man has to do in that situation is show me he understands why I'm upset and then provide the comfort I outlined.  Pretty simple really.

The compartmentalization can horribly trip men up when that's their sole way of dealing with hurt, and some actually expect women to basically handle their own emotions alone.  That's just not how we work as a species.  And really, men only do that because they are taught never to show vulnerability.  Well, I SEEK that vulnerability.  So the evolution of my partner requires that he learn the language of emotion, and not expect sex or pain or menial tasks as a proxy way to deal with problems.  I may want some additional atonement behaviors but generally that's after the emotional stuff is sorted.

I think men sometimes like bdsm because it seems like a simple answer to things.  That's not really reality, guys.  The business world, the military, and the legal system pretty much work that way, but relationships do not.  It's not x offense = y punishment.  And really if you think about it... even the legal system isn't really like that because were have civil law to provide compensation for damage done, because prison time is often just not enough.

Often the kink desires people have are just psychological needs that can be fulfilled in healthier ways, I think. And while I can't just give simple equations: humiliation = x emotion/need/whatever.  I can dig into that desire, find out it's root, and figure out where it comes from.  Maybe there's a healthier way to deal with it that actually provides more satisfaction than the kink might have.

I know, for example, my interest in marking my partner is related to feeling abandoned by my exhusband.  Physical displays of ownership make me feel safer.  A man wearing a chastity device while away from me also makes me feel safer.  The chastity devices also allow me to test my attractiveness to my partner, which is a turn on.  These needs can be handled other ways.  A man can behave in a way that is shows his loyalty which would over time inspire trust. 

Men aren't the best at being loyal, however, so perhaps physical restraints are necessary.