Comments are Now Moderated

I have no tolerance for stalking behavior so comments are now moderated.  Thanks to this bonehead all comments must be approved by me before they go live.  It's unfortunate that I have to do this but clearly it has to be done.

I don't really give a damn if someone doesn't like what I write on this blog.  It is mine to do so.  This is MY space and I am not going to allow someone into my space to attack or insult me.  If you want to rant about me, get your own damn blog and build your own damn following.  You have a right to do so as long as it is not libel or cyberbullying.

For the record, nothing I write here contains any names or personal information.  I am not attacking anyone, only voicing my opinion about events that occur to me.  I have as much a right to vent my opinion here as you do on facebook, a blog, livejournal, etc.

To the stalker: Your comments have been deleted.  I will not let you say anything else on this blog.  If you don't like what I say, stop reading.  I have nothing more to say to you.  Leave me alone.   Oh and... you've only proved yourself as creepy as I said you were.  Thanks.

Male Motives?

Are men just looking for sex?  Is that really all that life comes down to for you?  Is it all just a series of accomplishments so that you can bang the hottest chick and/or as many possible?  Is everything you do during the day another step in the master plan to get laid?  With or without elaborate props?

I've had numerous conversations with a random sample of "man's man type" guys, even subs, and they all give a whole-hearted and resounding: Yes!  Which I find particularly amusing because I know at least one woman that steadfastly wants to believe that I'm just being cynical to think this about men... and in fact, gave me a verbal thrashing for it.  I worry about her.  I fear her innocence is what is getting her hurt over and again.

And when I find one or two that say that isn't their major focus they try to get their jollies in even creepier and more subtle ways, like the last roommate that had to point out that he enjoyed when I accidentally brushed by his mid-section.  [For the record: I don't know what response you expected from me... but it certainly was not going to be: Oh baby, do me now!  I just saw it as creepy that you had to tell me.  Some things are best left unsaid.]

Another, my ex, said he wanted a relationship.  I'm not sure he knew what that even meant.  From what he showed me, he hasn't a clue what that entails.  It seems to me that he was only really looking for a female that he could tolerate long enough between episodes of plowing him in the ass.  He said he wanted companionship... but what did he mean by that really?  Enjoy doing stuff he likes?  Watching guy films/shitty sitcoms with him?  Not only is that not my idea of good time, I find it very un-sub-like for him to expect ME to conform to his pastimes.  [Look pal, being sub in my world means you conform to my likes... and it isn't contingent on whether I plug you in the butt.  It's contingent on whether you qualify to be my partner, not I your partner.]

I'd say every man I dated was definitely waiting, hoping, and counting the minutes until I put out, some certainly more overt than others.  I don't know if it was because the power is entirely in a woman's hand on that issue or if men really are that horny.  Or both?  While some consider that a power over men I'd say it's weak at best.  I don't feel more powerful for having denied a partner orgasm.  I feel more powerful when he still wants me after having gotten the sex.  I feel even more powerful once we settle into the relationship.  It's love that gives me power, not metering out sex.

I think sex denial is a refusal of a type of closeness/ intimacy.  I don't think that is healthy for a relationship.  If the orgasm endorphin (oxytocin) is what is released after a woman gives birth to improve the bonding of mother and child, certainly post-orgasmic cuddling is important for the bonding of a couple.  If either partner refuses this, it is detrimental to the maintenance of the relationship (including men that just fall asleep after orgasm or get up right away to leave).

Daily Life in the Realm of True Domme

I get asked a lot about what daily life would be like under my rule.  This isn't an easy question to answer.  I can neither predict the interaction with each individual than I can predict the pattern of a snowflake.  I will, however, talk a bit about some of my expectations and what I find unacceptable.

I hear a lot, "So what makes you different from a bitchy, high maintenance woman?"  I find this question pretty offensive.  I don't think women should be referred to in this manner but so be it.  First and foremost, I'm not a bitch.  I don't seek to make anyone's life miserable.  In fact, most that know me would call me pretty giving and selfless.  I try very hard for people, including my partner.  I don't think demanding care and attention makes anyone bitchy.  Second, I suppose I would have to admit to being high maintenance, although my type of high maintenance is emotional.  I suppose for some that would be considered harder and worse than financial but tough luck.  What this means, then, is that I expect my partner to be a caring listener... and that includes if he has done something wrong as well.

I think the relationship between me and my partner can best be described as captain and first-mate or head chef and sous chef.  Not only do I expect authority I expect trust in my judgment.  As I have said many times I expect to earn it.  Final decisions are mine to make.  I dictate the schedules, the importance of projects, and who is to be where and when.  This includes dictating chores he's to do.

I expect emotional dependence from my partner.  I don't seek someone that wishes a lot of autonomy or grumbles at having to check in with me about what they are doing.  If I say to do something, I expect it to start immediately and if it can't I want to know why.  I'm completely reasonable and understand that things come up but that's where he should be checking in with me.  If that level of control is uncomfortable or unwanted then don't seek me out.  Hell, even I announce what I'm doing and in what order with the intention of looking for more information that will help make a better schedule.  I don't just do things and expect my partner or roommate or friends to just wait around for me or not have expectations of me.  I don't understand this mentality at all.

So daily, aside from his work time, which I have no intention of interfering with, his time is my time.  I don't accept nights out with the boys or dinners/activities alone with ex-girlfriends/ex-wives/etc.  I expect that sometimes we would want to do different things, alla hobbies, games, whatever and time would be allotted for that, but otherwise home time is my time and time for doing things together.  Of course, I value quality time over quantity of time.  So during that time I have I want it filled with clear and open connection, talking, and fun activities.

I do NOT intend to live parallel lives with my partner.  I'd like us to be best friends in addition to the love and D/s that we share.  We should be deeply engaged in each other or we break up.  End of story.  I have no time or patience for less.  He should feel like he can't wait to get home to spend time with me and I with him.  If we don't, something is wrong.

I expect him to be open and honest about who he is and what he wants.  Don't make shit up just to try to make things work with me.  Don't pretend to be something you aren't.  If you lie on the application you are wasting both our times because I will find out eventually and I will fire you, got it?

I am the teacher in this relationship.  If you feel don't have anything else to learn in this life, we are not compatible.  That said, I am not opposed to learning as well.  I always listen and revise my beliefs and opinions based on new information presented.  I expect it to be presented in a humble and respectful manner.  A condescending or authoritarian tone is not acceptable ever.

I don't have a punishment system.  I lecture when I'm pissed off.  Apparently, I have a very sharp tone when I'm angry.  I don't feel I need to change for you.  You shouldn't push me to a place that gets that tone in the first place and if you do, you deserve what you get.  If I'm that angry you've probably tried to assert authority or said something really stupid.  It doesn't take much to calm me down but damn well learn what it is and DO IT.

On that note, I am not one of those women that doesn't say why I'm upset.  I'm usually say exactly what is troubling me, why it upset me, and how you can make it better, in that order.  The right response to that is NOT to get defensive or to invalidate my feelings.  The right response does not include yelling at me for anything.  The right response does not include denial or misrepresenting what happened.  Accept what you did, apologize, mean it, atone, and we move on.

So very simply, we go back to the concept of union and the spiritual path that leads to it.  For men, this is a journey of self discovery, of letting go of a lot of ingrained misogyny, of learning how to be truly submissive in the relationship.

Note: I don't have a set schedule for how I run my life and likewise I don't want to be expected to provide one for anyone else.  Yes, I want a man to do most of the chores around the house.  Yes, I want my needs to be attended to.  I'd like most of life to be fairly spontaneous and not scheduled down to the last minute.  I am somewhat of a planner but I don't like rigid, structured days either.  This isn't the army. This is real life.

The Types of Guys on BDSM Sites

I've been noticing some "types" of men that frequent bdsm/femdom sites and I've come up with some names for them.  I think this is fairly straight forward in concept so let's get started:

Broken: This wounded creature has had some trauma in his background whether it be child abuse or the witnessing of a parent being abused and has no idea what a normal relationship should look like.  He's not necessarily easy to spot because if he's got a normal job he's learned at least how to hide all this stuff inside.  He's turned to bdsm to deal with his problems because for some reason he feels he needs to be punished for something or that he's somehow inherently bad.  Well, not dealing with all that crap going on inside has made him twisted and potentially abusive.  Watch out: toxic!

Horny:  This guy is willing to try anything that will get him laid.  He may not be a bad person but he's certainly not looking for a long term relationship.  He wants wham bam thank you ma'am.  Perhaps he may think that kink will get him the EZ-Pass to cheap hookups with no investment of time and money.  He's thinking this is a step up from hooker and less expensive.

Fapper:  This one is only on the site to get enough conversation or profiles in to wank.  He's the notorious "time waster" that is probably married and is looking for something other than regular pr0n to wank to.  He wants to talk about kink right away and that's how you can usually spot him.  He doesn't care what you do or what your name is.  He wants to get right to words that he can pound his pud to.

Spammer:  This guy can't get anyone's attention so he spams every single domme on online in the hopes of getting a reply.  He's also probably a Fapper.

Troll:  This guy is on the site to attack people.  He gets his kicks by verbally attacking random people he disagrees with and hoping he can start a fight.  He revels in causing aggravation.  You see this type all over the Internet.   If it weren't collarme it would be digg or some other site.  I seriously doubt he discriminates.  He just wants a place to vent misplaced rage.  He also comes in "I just gotta tell you something" flavor and then blocks you or "User profile is hidden" flavor.  Advice: don't feed the trolls by replying.  It only encourages them.

No Show:  We've all done it once.  Gotten stood up by some a-hole that either doesn't have a balls or really just a Fapper that was willing to promise the moon to get fap material.  I'm right there with ya.  I went to a restaurant and waited and waited and waited... and finally ordered dinner for one.  There's no real way to prevent this only to weed them out as soon as possible before you get hurt.

Healthy Kinkster:  He may be into kink but it doesn't rule his life.  He's on the site to find love with a bit of adventure.  He just doesn't want to be tied down with the virginal, submissive, vanilla girl that thinks sex toys are gross.  He's got a life, that he's more than likely dominant in, and is otherwise normal and functional.  Kink for him is more about keeping the sex life spicy than a lifestyle choice.  Only problem with this guy is that he only wants to be sub in the bedroom.

True Submissive:  He's gentle soul.  He's probably been given a really hard time in life for not conforming to the status quo or faked it long enough and is ready to be himself.  He looks at women with awe not predatory lust.  He wants to care for his partner like the Goddess she is.  He marvels at her strength and beauty.  He truly is able to love selflessly.  He wants to be second in command not just in the bedroom but in the relationship.  (WHERE ARE YOU!?!)

Any suggestions for more types?

More on the Spheres of Dominance

After some comments from a trusted friend, I rethought the Spheres of Dominance model a bit and decided that a Venn diagram would be more appropriate because each of these spheres does interact with the other ones in at some moderate amount.

I suppose how much you feel the interaction of the individual spheres depends on your world view, religion, etc.  While I agree they aren't entirely divorced from one another I'd say that someone's bedroom proclivities has very little to do with how they function in the public world but probably much more to do with how they interact in private relationships.

Perhaps if Christian fundamentalists drew this diagram it would look more like a concentric circle diagram with all circles completely contained within the others.  They frequently argue that what happens in the bedroom and private realm will destroy all of society if it doesn't fit their neat and tidy 1950's nuclear family model, whether or not that's actually biblically supported is another matter entirely.

I think most of us liberals would say that for example gay marriage would only affect society in a positive way as it would promote more tolerance of differences.  We could say the same for kink acceptance as well.

Anyway, to be continued...

Penis Obsession

I read a very interesting interview on SubmissiveProud of what he calls a "Fierce Feminist".  She says about misconceptions about dominant women: "That we are as enamored with your penis [and the control of it] as you are. There are of course variances from woman to woman but I have never met a woman, vanilla or otherwise, who really gave a lot of thought to her man's penis without first being prompted by her male partner... Men do more than enough of that sort of obsessing for the both of them."  I couldn't agree more!  Every sub I talk to wants to know what I want to do with their penis.  This gets back to my post about men setting the tone for the expectations of a dominant woman and how, I think, men see submission as a sexual act and women see it as meekness, humbleness.

According to Mirriam-Webster submission is the following:

1. a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators & b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also : something submitted (as a manuscript)
2. : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3. : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

Here is the problem.  I think men see submission as partly definition number one with the "act of submitting something" for consideration, inspection & definition number three the "act of submitting to control" and that something is their anatomy.  While men aren't understanding the definition wrong, they aren't really offering most of us women something we really care about.  Yes, of course, we prefer a man not spend all day wanking or thinking about sex with other women.  Certainly, we want say over the amount and types of sex we explore in the bedroom.  Do we really want to monitor your penis all day?  No.


I had the recent ex wear a chastity device to work.  I didn't really need worry that he was porking someone at the office but the device just made it so I don't need to even think about that possibility.  I could then think even less about penis than I already did... not much at all.  And while I did enjoy occasionally teasing him with it on,  it wasn't to cause him pain for my benefit.  It was most a test of my attractiveness.  So I got news for the boys, I made it all about me and not you.


Submission for most women is mostly definition number two: meekness, humbleness.  When we want a submissive man, we are seeking for a man to be humble and compliant.  And while some see penis control as a means to that end, I feel that that doesn't really work in the long run.  I really don't think penis has anything to do with it.  The penis-oriented submission is what men like for arousal purposes.  They are tickling their own pickle with the idea of submitting their penis for inspection, rejection, and abuse.  They aren't learning how to be better men because of it.  They are only getting what they want: to get off.


The pro-domme/pr0n industry is catering to this fantasy.  The guys that wank to this stuff most often go back to "their normal selves" once the wanking is done.  They keep thinking if the abuse was a little longer or the penis control was more constant in their lives that they can carry this pickle tickle into their daily lives and the arousal state will be longer and more intense.  Do you see anything in there about what they want to do for the women they claim to worship?  Nope.  Why?  They aren't worshipping women.  They are worshipping the arousal state and the object that provides it.  And I chose the word "object" very carefully.


So I argue that M/s relationships cannot, most often, provide women with the submission they are seeking from men simply because it isn't genuine.  Even if they do all the things that she asks of him, the intention is not there.  The intention is for himself primarily.  


We don't need to settle for this as I saw many do on She Makes the Rules.  I completely disagree that women get one thing and men get another and that's okay.  It's not okay to live disingenuous lives.  Men need to learn what true humbleness is and that no amount of paddling is going to create it.  And if they aren't interested without the kink/penis element, then they aren't submissive and should stop pretending for it to be.  


I actually had some guy tell me that he saw submissiveness as a sexual-orientation.  That about sums it up for me.  Ladies, we are often barking up the wrong tree and it is hard many times to tell whether you are dealing with a masochist or true submissive.  Believe me, I know.  I think, in general, we need to stop seeking men on places like collarme, even if we do have some kink interests.  The right man will be open to bedroom things as well.  It's far better that he not come to the table with that being his primary reason for looking for a relationship in the first place.

D/s as a Spiritual Path

It's not a new concept to talk about bdsm as a spiritual path.  People have made the connection between the pain mystics inflict upon themselves in the form of self-flagellation and the headspace that pain inflicted upon subs by a dom/me.  I'd like to take this a step further though.

If pain in the sexual context is akin to mysticism then the path of my version of D/s is closer to Buddhism or Bhakti Tantra.  Realizing that we are really part of a great Oneness, losing the self into that Oneness, and serving that Oneness every moment of every day sounds a lot like Buddhism, no?  The difference is that instead of meditation there is service to another, which could be closer to Bhakti Tantra.  If I just spouted a bunch of gibberish to you then hang I'm about to explain this better.

Buddhism, also called The Way, is a spiritual path that is about recognizing our Oneness with Buddha Consciousness, or a collective oneness with the universe.  The idea is to lose the self to this oneness.  That is the goal.... to give into losing your identity in favor of this nirvana state of Oneness.  Buddhism is called The Way because it is direct instructions for how to achieve this... Unfortunately, trying to read the symbolism of another culture is lot like translating the rosetta stone... Very few have the tools.

Hinduism is what Buddhism comes from.  The goals of the two religions are almost identical.  What Buddha did differently is take away all the god-related stuff and focused solely on the a practice that worked on the inside of the person.  Hinduism conversely embraces several different practices including religious devotion to reach the same goal.  Instead of trying to explain the immensity that is Hinduism I want to focus on the practices that I feel are relevant.

Bhakti means devotion or participation.  It is the active devotional relationship with the Absolute through ritual and service.  It doesn't seem in behavior a lot different than Christian devotion to Jesus.  The difference here is that the goals are different.  You can't become one with Jesus in the Christian tradition. That would probably be considered blasphemy (except to Gnostics).  The devotional service for Christians is both the means and the end.  In Hinduism, however, the Bhakta (the adherent) becomes one with god through this activity.

If you've had any exposure to Tantra it's probably either as the kama sutra and it's unusual and acrobatic love-making positions or perhaps it's the hyper sexed-up, how-to type manual for how to have the best orgasms.  Tantra is way more than either of these things.  Tantra is a spiritual path, first and foremost.  It honors primarily the divine feminine and the gurus (teachers) are all female.

I don't want to go into great depth here about the ins and outs of real Tantra in this post.  What I want to do instead is give a brief spiritual base for the type of relationship I seek.  I seek Oneness with my partner.  I want to initiate him onto that path.  I want to act as teacher, guide, and mother... and that is in a way a form of service in return.  I want him to take the role of servant and lover, to live in service of our unity.