The Relationship EZ-Pass

I can't stress enough how much it bothers me that *some* sub men think that if they go into kink that that means they can bypass everything they normally have to do in a relationship and go straight to the sex/kink combo.  What is this about?

I can't speak for other Domme women, only myself, but I find this really irritating.  Just because I joined X site and have some unusual tastes in the bedroom does not mean that I am any less a woman in any other area of my life.  I'm not some pr0n Domme that will only interact with a guy when I want to do kink-related stuff.  I still have normal emotional needs and I expect my partner to listen, care, and tend to those.  I, foolishly, would think a sub man should want to care even more than a vanilla man because he's claiming to worship this woman that is his Domme.  Apparently not.

Perhaps it's not a conscious choice.  Perhaps the men in the kink realm are just more dysfunctional than vanilla men and their expectations are "different" because they can't function in a normal vanilla relationship anyway?  This seems entirely possible.  Or perhaps they are just like the guy above in the cartoon plus mask, collar, and cuffs?  Far more likely.

This leads me to an important question:  what is worship from the sub perspective?  In many cases, it seems to me that sub men have a very different idea about what that is than I do.  I see all these profiles of guys saying "I don't want anything but to serve." and "I have no needs but to serve my Goddess."  I think there's a disconnect here.  It seems to me that it is men who have set the expectations for what a woman is supposed to have as a "Goddess" or most women in the kink realm are just as dysfunctional emotionally as the men are.

I don't really have an answer to this one.  I'm just musing on this peculiar phenomenon.  It's made for a very long 7 years with collarme, certainly.  This last ex seemed like he understood what caring for my needs would look like online but in person he just couldn't handle it.  He clearly had a disconnect between online and real life.  Once he couldn't just press a button to make me go away (ie. had complete power over the situation) he crumpled into fetal position and lashed out at me like a frightened child.

I, at least partially, blame the internets for this.  I also blame him for using work, internets, games, and anything else to avoid dealing with what is going on inside him.  He, and many others, seem to think that relationships are where two people live parallel lives with each other and only intersect for brief companionship and sex/kink.  That is NOT love.

Spheres of Dominance

(My model.  Please give credit where credit is due.  Thank you.)

Model for the Spheres of Dominance.

As I understand it, there are three spheres of in which dominance can play a role: public, private, and bedroom.  Within these three spheres you find the majority of views of where male or female leadership should reside.

Public, represented by the brown sphere, is the realm of public social behavior.  It includes legal and social treatment of both genders.  Currently, one would say that in the United States currently male is still the dominant (in all spheres really).  While laws have been changed to make things more equal there are continually forces that want to overturn them and socially men just still have the upper hand.

Private, represented by the blue sphere, is the realm of personal loving relationships.  Again, most often men are assumed to be leader in the home although more and more women are stepping up the plate to change this.  It's still a man's world and plenty of women, particularly religious ones, are eager to give up their rightful control in favor of lack of responsibility.  Vile, frankly.

Bedroom, represented by the red sphere, is exactly what it sounds like.  It's who is the aggressor in the bedroom.  This is very much a toss up.  Plenty of people who are dominant in their public life choose to let go of that in the bedroom and play the opposite role.  Plenty are the same in every sphere.  It depends.  It's, of course, traditional for the man to take the lead in this arena but plenty of guys today like an aggressive woman, bdsm or not.

Now for me, I'm interested in the private sphere primarily, even and above the bedroom sphere.  While yes I am aggressive in the bedroom it and would prefer both spheres to be in charge of, not having the bedroom would not affect my behavior in the private sphere.... they are completely separate in my opinion.

So ideally, the yellow line represents what I control versus the matriarchy femdom types, represented by the green line, that seek to impose female leadership in every sphere or the bedroom only types that are merely kinksters, sensation players, etc.

Further, I'd like to add here that while I intend to lead my home I do not have an agenda to turn all spheres into matriarchy nor do I seek to make all households look like my ideal.  I firmly believe that my dominance is part of my nature and that everyone's nature is their own to figure out: self-determination.  I do no intend to advocate imposing my beliefs or what's right for me on others.  I think that's a foolhardy endeavor.

That said, in all situations where I have seen female led households they have functioned better and the relationship has lasted longer and with more happiness... but my sample size is small.  :)

Lastly, it is my opinion that the world would function a lot better if the genders were equally represented in the government.  I believe that men have made a giant mess just like they do in a home when left to their own devices.... Women are far under-represented and I do believe that in an equal society we'd be far more functional as a species.

What I Had and Didn't Have

My exhusband and I met in college through the campus radio station we both DJ'd for.  It was an amazing connection.  We liked the same music, television, everything... our only difference really was he preferred The Stones and I preferred The Beatles.  Totally serious.... We could talk about anything.  He was calm and receptive.  He didn't talk over me or invalidate my feelings.  He listened and respected my opinions.  He actually preferred to be lead... and deferred to my judgment on all matters.

We loved being together.  We loved sharing Monty Python quotes and sampling new music found on the internet.  Everyday was full of cuddles and laughter.  I never felt so in love with or loved by anyone in my life.  He put up with my tempers and hugged away my tears.  He took away my anger at the world and replaced it with compassion... Something I will never forget him for.

The only place we didn't connect was sex.  He was a terrible kisser, and he just refused to learn.  I wonder now if I was his first in that also...  It became harder and harder to get aroused by him as the youthful horniness wore off.  He just wasn't sexy at all.  Nothing about him turned me on.

He was the first person I tried some kink stuff with.  We didn't take it terribly serious... at least I didn't.  We were mostly looking for ways to reignite.  Nothing really ended up helping that.  (Sorry folks, kink is not a cure-all.)

I have to give credit where credit is due, though.  He was FANTASTIC at oral sex.  He knew my rhythms and took cues from changes in moaning.... He even knew to massage the side of the clit with his tongue to bring me down from orgasm gently.... Oh yah.... It was like a master artist with a canvas.  Pity that wasn't enough to get me aroused in the first place.

The immediate question people often have is why I didn't leave over the sex part.  My answer is simply that  that was not *why* I wanted to be with him.  We were best friends.  We could do everything together.  We *did* everything together.  We were joined at the hip.  People would always say they wanted what we had.   I was happy to settle for that.  I recognize that looking for perfection when you have this damn close is looking the gift horse in the mouth.

But it ended....  (I really don't want to go into the long story why but maybe sometime in the future.  Let me add here that I am no longer in love with my exhusband.  It's been 10 years since we've been together.  Just trying to show what was good and reproducible in another relationship.)

Anyway, suffice to say that I'd like to find that again in my lifetime, this time preferably with the passion.  I thought I had found that in this recent ex, but apparently I was very wrong.

Who is Controlling Whom?

I've met more than my share of men that want to *correct* my leadership to suit them... um, excuse me... when you put the power in my hands you don't get to take it back because I didn't do with it what you would.  That's not how this works.  You have to trust that once I am in the driver's seat that you will get there safely.  No amount of backseat driving puts the gas pedal and steering wheel in your hands at that point.  Got it?

The ex was constantly trying to control me and my dominance.  Apparently, while he was freaking out about the relationship I was supposed to ignore him and work on getting a job.... um, not going to happen.  I can't just ignore the situation, somehow still offer up my body, and let him go about his day.  That's just frickin' nuts.  I'm sorry, it is.

It wasn't until the relationship was no longer a pressure that I can now apply for jobs here... breaking up or being together would have solved that issue but he choose the former.  I suppose it was inevitable given all the pressure I got to conform to his idea of what was right for me and us.  I just can't seem to get over the idea that he felt he had a right to be disappointed over my choices when his idea of what was acceptable behavior is goddamn unnatural.

We kept having all these misfire moments where I could just sense he was struggling with us.  Some were just differences of opinion and others were entirely accidental things that were not anyone's fault... but yet, I was blamed.... at least subconsciously by him.

I am a different person.  I grew up differently.  I've had different relationships.  Certainly, there were going to be adjustments both of us had to make to start a life together.  While I tried to accommodate, he just pulled away each time we didn't see eye to eye on matters.  He just couldn't trust me to know what was right for the two of us.

He reacted to me only with resistance and fear.   If he had given in to me, he would have finally been able to understand all that I was offering him.  He would have been able to fully express the nature he claimed he had.  He would have had a lifetime of love and support, something he is unlikely to find again.

It's not always easy to see whether contradiction is a means to control or just a reasonable objection.  I usually listen because I'm reasonable but what I choose to think about the matter, if I change my expectations or not, and how I react in the future is entirely my choice.  I'm not the one that is supposed to be molding here.

When he told me that he didn't have enough time to get his work done, I adjusted by not expecting him to come home to dinner.  When I told him that need him to hug me and comfort me when I am sad, he threw his arms up in the air, ranted and raved, and asked me to leave.  Gee, thanks.  I can't believe I was this poor a judge of character.

Let's Talk About Kink

While I don't think that D/s is or should be centered around sex, that does not at all mean that I am not sex positive or unadventurous. In my 35 years, I've done more than most people do in their whole lives.... and I did that before 30. I'm not repressed. I have no hidden desires. If I'm at all interested in trying something, I try it. It's just not a big deal.

Most of what I like in the kink realm is centered around ownership/vulnerabiliy. I liken my ownership interests to the Hindu signs of marriage on a woman. For those that are not familiar, there are items that a Hindu wife is supposed to wear depending on the region to show that she is taken. They often include some of the following: sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, toe rings, and anklets. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a sindoor is. What matters is that I like my own version of signs that a man is mine.

This might include a chastity device while he is away from me, a jewelry style collar that can be worn all the times, a tattoo, and of course upon marriage a wedding band (Yes, I want to marry my sub.). To me, a wedding band by itself is far too easy to slip off. I want a man to want to feel possessed by me.

Beyond this, I like to be the primary aggressor in the bedroom.  No, I don't expect him to lie there like a dead fish.  I want active participation.  I just want to be the one that throws him against the wall, holds his neck, and proceeds to play with an ear or a nipple.  I want to smother him with my breasts or vulva.  There's nothing sexier than a man coated in my juices.

I'm also okay with a bit of bondage.  This ties (pun intended) back into the vulnerability that I seek emotionally.  It doesn't work if the only time he can be vulnerable to me is when he is strapped to the bed.  It has to be a physical component of an already vulnerable position.

I've done the strap-on thing.  I was okay with it.  There is a bit of a power high from it but doesn't get me off.  I think this is one of those things that's better in the mind than in reality.  I don't like this idea of "using" a man sexually.  I get the psychology here but you are more likely to get that with another man than with a woman.  We just don't have the equipment for that.

So yes, I have interest in *some* kink.  It just isn't on the level of hermaphrodite hentai (ROTFL).  Like any woman I want to be wanted, and in my case I want him to be willing to offer far more in devotion than a vanilla man would.

My Vision

What does the word "union" mean to you?  To me it is what love ought to be.  The joining of two people on many different levels.  Physical can only carry you so far.  There has to be emotional and mental connections as well.  Ideally, both partners would understand each other well enough that they can tell what each other is thinking without a word.  

I want a union over which I am the guardian and ruler.  I want to be entrusted with the health and well-being of the relationship and rule over my partner.  Trust is a key word here.  We all know that submission is something that must be freely given and that submission must be based on trust and faith....and to me, preferably love and admiration.  Well, it's one thing to trust someone in the bedroom for a brief duration of play and something else to trust someone to rule you as a person.

This requires something many "subs" are not capable of being: selfless.  It also requires a certain amount of dependency that men have a really hard time with.  If you expect to be fully autonomous while being in a relationship, you are not the type I am looking for at all.

I want a symbiotic relationship.  Where both partners can be truly open and free to share their feelings and accept the love and affection of the other.  I want to be trusted to be let inside to see the frightened, helpless creature he hides away from the rest of the world.  I want to be able to share that part of me as well and to know that we can count on each other to cradle each other when needed.

Yes, I'm comfortable being the strong one most of the time.  I can carry that burden with ease and grace. I can move mountains for the one who will love me completely.  I just need to be able to be emotional and sensitive.... the way I really am.  I need to be appreciated and reassured.  I need to be listened to and treated with respect.

I don't need a knight in shining armor that hides his feelings and provides physical comforts for me.  While yes, physical comforts are fine and dandy... but they are only half the man I need.  The emotional comes first.  Without that the rest is hollow.

Need vs Want

If you've browsed enough collarme profiles you'll notice a bunch of trendy sayings that people latch onto.  Perhaps trendy is the wrong word.  Maybe I should go with.... copycat.  It seems far more honest.  The one that is pissing me today is "I don't want you to need me.  I want you to want me." Now, let me explain why this is utter shite...

What these bozos really ought to be saying is that they don't want to have to get emotionally involved in the situation cuz that's what they really mean.  They're afraid she might get clingy and needy.  God forbid, she have normal female emotions that are messy and confusing for these poor, emotionally-stunted morons.

My most recent ex pulled this crap on me too.... He was really big on semantics.  He kept correcting me all the time about the difference of want and need... Yes, I said *correcting ME* on the difference which I found infuriating.  I tried to let it slide because we had much bigger issues than this in particular.  But, dear reader, it won't take you long to see a pattern of incompatibility a mile long.

I mentioned in my profile that I am sensitive.  Let me clarify.  I'm empathic.  That means I am deeply in tune with the emotions of the people around me.  If you are unsettled, I am unsettled.  His emotions were dark.  He lives with everything bottled up like if one day if you popped the top he'd go on a homicidal rampage.  He lives in constant fear of what is inside the bottle.  So if you are empathic and you have the tremendous upheaval of moving across coast on the hopes and dreams of being with the one you'd love for the rest of your life and this bottle, and a whole lot of uncertainty on his part, is presented right after you de-board the plane, you will most likely panic as I did.  So did I want reassurance or did I need it?

Listen up, Mr Need/Want.  If you want to go about your life seeking sexual thrills, by all means have at it.  DON'T, however, try to have a real relationship because you just aren't qualified.  You, in fact, will fail miserably making both you and your intended very unhappy.

My Story of Fetish Websites

I've been on collarme and fetlife off and on for 6 years or so.  I came to bdsm open-minded about what it means to be a domme but the longer I have been there the more I've matured into what I have always been: a normal but assertive, dominating woman.  I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a dominating nature and what it is that people are actually seeking through collarme.  Sure, I'm not the first to say it but bdsm really has nothing to do with D/s, but it's true.  

I started off on collarme with the standard femdom profile in 2004/2005.  I looked like just another in a line of pro-domme fetish providers.  I wanted men to lick my boots and the whole nine.  Gradually, my profile began to change the more and more men I spoke to.  I got to the point where my profile was so long no one read it.  

I decided to take a step back.  I talked to so many dirtbag guys (the "do-me types") that were rude, obnoxious and demanding that I was completely disgusted.  Why is it that "sub" men think it's okay to call a domme "sweetie"?  Cuz it isn't about respect for them.... it's about selfish, sexual fulfillment.  A domme is merely an instrument of their own kink.  I realized that for them it's not about the woman at all.  Serve?  My foot!  

I nearly gave up on what I sought at this point.   I decided that sub men were no different than the douche bag jocks on match.com that configure only three necessities for women in their dating ad: age, location, and weight.  Doesn't matter what you like or if you can think.  All that matters is that the pussy is young, close by, and attached to a slender, fuckable body.  But that's another rant for another blog....  and I've digressed....

Anyway, I nearly gave up at this point.  I decided to scrap my profile and start over.  I rejoined the site under a new name (something more Elise Sutton sounding).  Still this was not entirely appropriate but it was certainly closer to who I was than all that had come before.  I looked into Elise's means of control and they sounded plausible in concept.  Men do indeed seem to treat their penis like their master.... it seems reasonable enough that if you control the penis that you'd control the man.  The fact of the matter, though, is there is still another brain attached (however small that might be) and these "techniques" can only work in the short term.  

My problem right along had been that I had been trying to fit some mold I don't belong in.  So after a very recent !!DISASTER!! of a relationship, here I am.  I'm here to talk about what dominance is.  I'm here to share my encounters with sub men online and in person so that perhaps I can help other women (and maybe even men) grow into something more.

Domination as a word sounds like something actively done to force submission in the receiver.  Those of us that have experienced kink know that that isn't really what ends up happening because there are all these safe guards and the submissive has to sit still while you tie him or her.  There's no fight there.  They want it.... So this brought about the adage that submission is a gift that the sub freely gives.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes....  Something you do for selfish reasons is not a gift for anyone but yourself.  So stop with all that phony pretention.  I don't buy it.

If you are truly submissive, it happens in the relationship itself.  You actively let the other party make decisions for your life.  You give up your autonomy for the greater good of the couple.  Certainly there are varying degrees of this and definitely plenty of those that do this naturally wouldn't want to call it submission but this is what it is.  It's about power structure.