I'm Gay

 

On October 31st of 2020, I married a wonderful, sweet woman that for the first time made me re-question my sexuality. My connection with her exceeds anything I've had with any man or any other woman I've ever been with. I now know where I was meant to be. For this reason, this shall be my last post on this blog. 

 I do hope it does help any straight women that are frustrated with the kink world and are trying to find their way. I hope men can learn to be better partners, not just kink obsessive, selfish dicks.You can be better for the women in your lives. And if you choose not to, there's always LesbianTikTok for the women that might find that a better option.

Men, you no longer have the option to fail. You can be replaced. Get your shit together. More and more women are discovering they're far more fluid than they thought. 

But, I'm not fluid. I was seeking male approval I didn't get in my childhood. Take that however you wish. I've never been sexually attracted to men, you all were just easy to get in bed and I was horny as fuck. I took that temporary high as approval. It just ended as quick as the orgasm. So, I thought I could mold you all into something you aren't. Can't do that either.

I can't see the point of you anymore.

 

Long Time, No See & What This Woman Wants Part 1 of Many

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Troubles with All Dating Sites and Collarme "Support"

Over the years I've received abusive messages from men on many dating sites. I know a lot of men think dating for women is a snap, but I'd like to explain to you the types of abuse almost all women receive on dating sites. The thing that really pisses me off, though, is when the website police actually defend the abusers over the abused.

Before I put a profile on Collarme, I had profiles on Plenty of Fish, OkStupid, Planet Out, Match, and a couple of others that are probably still active, but I never check. On all of these sites, women know very well that most men just flip through photos, and most aren't even looking to really date. It's more of a tag and move on sort of thing happening. So, the profiles that women put up are hardly read, except beyond what they consider the most important factors: age, weight, and location. "The pussy," because that's what they see women as, should be young, slim, and convenient. Let's call this type of guy "the incubus," because he just has this desperate hunger, whether sexual or emptiness, that he seeks to fill with sex. He's also a neanderthal, and he's also likely a self-absorbed prick.

Anyway, the incubus type of abuse is through lies and trickery. He's looking to get laid by any means necessary. He'll feign interest in your conversation, claim to like all the same things you do, go to that indie film you really wanted to see, just so he can get in your pants and never call you again. I know soooo many women who have been fooled by this. This ought to be called rape or at least something close to it. Yah, she consented, but it wasn't honestly consensual.

There there's what I'd like to call "the punisher." This creep trolls all sorts of websites looking to take his rage out on people who he disagrees with, don't meet his "standards", or in any way deviate from his perception of how women in particular ought to behave. He trolls dating sites looking for women to punish for sounding too uppity, who happen to be over weight, or anything else he decides need his personal brand of vitriol. He hates feminists; he hates women he finds unattractive; and he hates her opinions; so, he sends a diatribe about how she's a ugly whore who ought to be raped and murdered. If he's only slightly sociopathic, he'll tell her how she's a bitch that should die alone because she happens to want to be the dominant partner in a relationship. I've gotten some form of this one. A year ago I got one that yelled at me because our state governor didn't want to refer to Christmas in our holidays displays, and he came off like some dittohead. (It's not my fault, and I support no special treatment for any religion in government.)

Next there's "the creep." The creep is a guy that would like to be the incubus, but is neither suave nor good looking nor bright enough to pull it off. One version of the creep is the H1B visa Indian guys who are over 40 (probably married) and horny (mind you, not all Indian men are like this). They send message after message to a woman hoping he can just wear her down with persistence. And if a poor unsuspecting woman thinks he's being persistent because he actually likes her, she's in for a terrible night. He'll pull all the gross moves of a 1970's leisure suit larry type, then get aggressive when she turns him down. Another version of the creep is the socially maladjusted type that makes crude innuendos hoping that will turn a woman on. Ick.

When a woman gets a message from the punisher type, one would like to think that website support would be supportive of the abused and not shield the abuser. Well, terms of services can be very selectively used to goad a member to leave a site. I am very close to removing my profile from Collarme permanently. I posted to my journal today a tinyurl version of a link to a Huffington Post article, and the suddenly my profile is turned off. WTF did I do? Apparently, posting a Tinyurl is against TOS. Okay, so I removed it.

Next email. I have broke TOS by "blacklisting" members. What? They define blacklisting as showing a member in a bad light. No, I didn't! If someone sent me an abusive email, I posted the comment and their name. They showed themselves in a bad light. I took down the ones that were just flat out liars about who they were, but left two that I felt were completely justified. Again, the email says I've blacklisted members, and I have to change my journal.

This is officially now either an effort to get me to leave Collarme or protection of abusive members. Again I was polite and asked if I had forwarded the abusive emails if they would have done anything about it (so far no reply). My profile is still hidden. These are very old journal entries too, at least a year or more. It feels to me that they are just being assholes now. I reluctantly removed the names, but not the messages I received. I figured by now they probably already closed their account, so getting indignant really wasn't worth it.

I will update this post when I receive a reply. I've save my profile content to a word file just in case they close my account. I honestly don't care at this point. Collarme is a fucked up place. Always has been.

[Edit 12:01 2/2/2014] Based on Collarme's TOS since the quotes I posted are not verifiable, they do break their TOS. I argue that my history and the content of my journal ought to show that I am not in the habit of making slanderous remarks against people. I only call people out when they have done something to me. It appears we are at an impasse.

I am closing my Collarme account. End of an era really. I was going on 10 years on that site. For all its lumps and bumps, it was a source of a lot of my blog material.

Kink with a Goal?

Is it possible that all the kinks that you are interested are really just the pieces you've put together to attempt to achieve a bigger goal? I was talking with a sub friend this morning about his interest in cuckolding, and he said his intention is to create a state of excitement caused by never reaching fulfillment. To which, I replied that basically he was seeking an entire relationship where the couple was constantly in the start of pre-first sex infatuation. And he agreed.

So, how much of kink is fulfillment of something that is 1) really a replacement for or an unusual way to try to achieve some goal or state of being and 2) completely unrealistic as a way of achieving said state. Using his example, how likely is it to maintain the infatuation stage of a relationship no matter hard one tries? Or even what someone tries?

I don't think this one takes a lot of brain power.

I've also seen many times that kink is also about compartmentalized intimacy, or even fake intimacy, since a BDSM relationship is at best hard to maintain and at worst nigh impossible to find for F/m. I feel that in many cases that men use BDSM as an outlet for bottled feelings, release and relieve feelings of anger, inadequacy, fear, et cetera, but once the "session" is over go right back to bottling again and never truly letting someone in nor ever truly facing those demons.

This is my running theory based on a very unofficial, and amateur even, polling of hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations I've had with men on kink sites over the years. I have yet to meet anyone that has challenged this theory successfully.

That's not to say I think kink is wrong. I don't. I have a very live and let live lifestyle. Two or more consenting adults are welcome to do just about whatever they like together as long as it isn't scarring or deadly. I just don't have to think it's the best way to do things. It's called an opinion, and I'm entitled. (You are welcome to yours too, as long as you disagree in a respectful manner I'll allow the comment to post.)

What other goals might one be seeking? I've heard bigger and better orgasms. I supposed that might be a legitimate reason to pursue kink. I don't see the point in the fake submission/compliance part when the goal is self serving, though. I feel like many women are giving in to faking the kink, so that they can get the compliance they actually want. I've even seen women admit this in forums. So, instead of being steadfast in demanding what they actually want, they are faking what their husband wants to get compliance that is actually still male self-serving. That's a crappy trade in my opinion.

Why would one settle for this? I just can't wrap my head around it.

Infantilism

I hate this pic more than you can imagine.

“No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who is an expert on Christian domestic abuse, told the Daily Beast. “A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”  

This quote comes from an article on CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline).  CDD is supposedly a consensual lifestyle that is M/f in which the male spanks his wife assert his "biblical authority over her."  While I have always had the "live and let live" policy towards personal relationships, I find this abusive.  The article outlines not only the lifestyle, but the author uncovers that some women feel trapped and frightened by what their relationships have become.  It says to me that the bible is being used to trap women into abusive relationships... something that is a chronic problem in this country and around the world.  1 in 3 women around the world has been physically or sexually assaulted by an intimate partner.  That's not a lifestyle, that's an epidemic, and it needs to be stopped.

The quote above also sums up in just one sentence why I'm not really into physical discipline or humiliation to get a partner to submit to my authority.  Very simply: I don't want to date/marry an infant.  I think it's damaging to someone and creates an atmosphere of feeling trapped.  I'm not about trapping or abusing someone I care about.  How could I respect someone in that situation?

What I want to create is an aura in the relationship of safety where a man can feel it's okay to be everything society tells him it's not okay to be.  I'm happy to take the role of leader and emotional rock, so he can heal the side of himself that has been crushed.  I want him to express what is natural to him.

I can't do this, though, without his complete and complicit consent.  I can't step into a relationship and order around a man that doesn't want this lifestyle.  I suppose I could abuse a man into breaking, but what would that say about both of us?  I'm not an abuser.  I don't come to this without my own emotional baggage, but I am not looking to hurt anyone.  

The Office of Violence Against Women (OVW) gives this as a definition for domestic violence:

"a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner."

This can be anything from physical to emotional abuse to manipulation and threats.  I don't want to be part of any of the above.  I don't think taking the punishment for eons of male behavior makes up for any of it.  I also think that acting as if you need abuse to "put" you in "subspace" is a cop out and purely a sexual thing.  I'm not going to be an instrument of your self-centered sexuality.

To sum up, while I do think it's possible to have a consensual BDSM relationship, whether F/m or M/f, I do think it's important for the dominant to have clear boundaries for themselves and for their subs that is agreed upon by both ahead of time.  If that contract is broken by the Dom/me, the sub has a right to leave or at the very minimum the right to question their behavior (and vice versa).  Acting outside those perimeters is a recipe of disaster and will likely end in therapy.

I think BDSM can be a way of working through psychological issues, but it should never be used to inflict further damage.  BDSM isn't a carte blanche and shouldn't be, regardless of what people's profiles say.  No one has no limits.  It's no wonder most of those subs never show up for meetings.  They can't really go through with their fantasies because instinctually they recognize that what they find sexy is also seriously dangerous.

That said, this is not what I'm looking for.  I am not aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation.  I am possessive, and I can be a dictator, but I am benevolent one.  I have the relationship's best interest at heart, even and above my own personal needs.  I think it's important to have someone be the rudder in the relationship that is finely tuned to maintaining it's ecosystem's balance.  I don't think men are instinctually capable of that and tend to be focused solely on what makes them feel good, but I would never tell others that they need to follow my way.

Kink & Inadequacy

While our society spends billions on selling women beauty inadequacy, it also sells men hyper masculinity inadequacy.  The rugged outdoorsman, the dominating boardroom executive, the aloof boyfriend... It's all over advertisements dripping with naked women and men too cool to notice them.  What is this doing to our men?  I think it's making you feel inadequate, and I think it's making you depressed.  It might even be driving you to fetishize humiliation as a way to process these feelings you can't express in this f'd up world.

I think the failure isn't in your inadequacy; I think this is a failure of culture norms.  Part of what I'm trying to accomplish here is a path out of these feelings to a healthier expression of who you are.  Okay so if you've read enough of my blog, you know nothing I write here is wank material, so you must be getting something out of this... Bear with me.

What I want, if I had my end game, is a more holistic concept of masculinity.  This would be one that accepts gays, accepts men in care-giver roles, accepts "malepolish," accepts crying, and allows men to be weak when they need to be.  I want a masculinity that doesn't abuse women.  I want a masculinity that is inclusive and not "me first." I want a masculinity allows my submissive partner to express who he is without fear of negative judgment from his "bros." All of these things already exist within masculinity, but if you want acceptance, you are going to have to fight for it.

This is a call to arms, a call to all the betas pretending to be leaders and hating themselves.  Stand up, and be who you are, because SOMEONE has to take the first step.  Why not let it be you?  Do you really think everyone will hate you?  You may just find that your friends have all felt the same way as you and we're waiting for someone else to speak up first.  It's all the same unspoken fear.  "I'm not a real man because..."

No man is that real man.  Each one of you is a human being!  Each is an individual, and frankly none of us are buying your tough guy crap anyway.  The thicker the layer the more we roll our eyes.

Truth is people will judge you regardless of what you do, so you might as well tell everyone to go to hell and just do it.  And while you're at it, tell your friends that their sexist jokes aren't funny and to stop normalizing objectification and abuse of women.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Sub Narcissists?

I was very keenly interested in a post on HuffPost today about dating a narcissist.  I wouldn't have thought this would even be a topic of discussion on this blog, but after reading these points I see that the fool that angered me enough to actually begin this blog in the first place fits these points to a T.  I'll give you a run down so you don't have to click on the link here, unless you wish to.

Who would have thought a submissive could be completely self-absorbed?  How is it even possible that a man that claims to want to serve a woman is really only in love with himself?

Well, I can tell you how.  The men like this are only interested in their own arousal.  They don't "serve" anyone but their own needs.  They don't even know what a real woman wants.  I don't think they really care either.  They line up a list of kinks and expect to get their rocks off.  That's about it.

This is a direct quote from Susan Weiner:

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away. 
2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.
3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.
4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.
5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.
6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

Douchebag, as I refer to him, was into top/bottom sex when he messaged me.  He claimed to value what I wrote in my profile about love, and he was keen to tell everyone in his family how he connected with it.  Once we were alone, however, he regressed to an angry child, closer to a cornered wounded beast.  I couldn't talk to him without him flailing his arms in the air, slamming doors, and stomping out.  Upon return his answer was always that we break up.    That was his answer to everything.  I tried to reason with him, but to no avail.  There was nothing to reason with.  He wanted my respectability for his family, but he didn't really want me at all.

The end of our relationship was really the moment I said I really wasn't into pegging as much as he was hoping.  I almost swear he would have tried to put up with me, because that's all it ever was, just to received his dose of anal.  Since I'm not a prostitute, however, I'm not going to provide sexual services just to keep a relationship with someone emotionally abusive.  Just NO.

If a submissive fits these points, he shouldn't call himself a submissive at all.  He should call himself what he actually is: a self-centered a-hole that found a new and interesting way to treat women like objects (BDSM).

Douchebag once tried to confide in me that he felt like a failure compared to his Harvard lawyer brother. After weeks of dismissing my feelings, lots of stomping out, threatening me, and getting defensive, suddenly I was supposed to have sympathy for him.  That's not how it works, idiot.  I would have listened and been there for you if you showed me the proper concern and comfort when I needed you to listen to me.  If you showed any interest in trying to provide for any of my emotions what-so-ever, I might have cared.  This doesn't happen in a vacuum.

This is not the behavior of a submissive.  A submissive should put his Lady first in all things including emotionally.  He should look for support after laying a foundation of providing it. 

I've met very few men in my life that didn't first defend himself instead of apologizing.  Actually, I can't think of one evolved enough to apologize first.  It seems to the first response most men have to any situation: defend themselves and their reasoning for something, then slowly face they did something wrong.  But they are loathe to admit it!  It's this whole ridiculous masculinity card thing.  "If I admit I'm wrong, my authority is undermined." No, not admitting your wrong undermines my respect for you and makes me not want to trust you in the future.  Own up.

Needless to say, I'll be watching for these signs in the future.  I am not going through that again.

Internet Dating Blues

Around and around the internet dating carnival ride goes.  I get a message, and it's a decent one, so I reply.  We get on.  We may move to skype or we may not.  And then it gets stuck.  The infinite loop of emails through cm, far too many conversations in Skype, and no meeting.  It's wasted months of my life at this point.

I suppose there's a variety of reasons this happens.  Even I have to admit that I've talked to men that I wasn't terribly keen on with the intent to give them a chance only to decide later it really wasn't going to happen.  Whether it be a photograph that did match the cam image or a personality that didn't match the eloquent emails I was receiving, I understand that what people think they are getting in a profile and the reality can be incongruent to say the least.

It amazes me though that I still get emails from married men.  This just slays me.  I am so very clear in my profile about what I am seeking, so what on earth would think I'd give them even a whisper of a chance.  The only time I made that mistake both of us ended up hurt, and it wasn't at all worth it.

Valentines Day is rapidly approaching yet again, and I am still single after 9 years on CM.  I get why people give up, but will you ever be truly happy seeking a relationship where you need to pretend to be something you're not?   I don't even have that option.   I can't act!

Over the last year I took some time to work on my career, hence my disappearance.  I also had nothing major to report as far as dating was concerned.  I had my heart broken by someone I clicked really well with, but who was really using CM for amusement while his wife did the real breadwinning.  When the cat's away and all that....

I'm over it.  Moving on.

Protocol

A new term has become popular on CM, a fad like many others. It's protocol, and it is loosely defined as a very structured lifestyle with often very strict behavior rules. Things associated are like eye restrictions, speech restrictions, very specific schedules, etc.

It sounds an awful lot like military training, doesn't it?  With a female drill sergeant.

While I have no trouble with micro-managing a partner, the last thing on the planet I would ever seek is for him to never speak. It seems to me that this is just what many men would like: to not have to talk about their feelings or learn how to be emotionally supportive. They get to do the tasks assigned that provide them with comfort and arousal *and* they don't have to hear about all that girly mushy stuff.

Okay..... How exactly is this not selfishness? How does this benefit a woman unless she's completely unidimensional? I mean really. Okay so she's got a clean house and sexual service on command.... But where is the relationship part?  Maybe this is fine for a part time playmate you don't care about but who could sustain a relationship like this? Who would want to? Not I!

This falls under several categories of kink I find completely disingenuous, that are all sold as "ways to serve", but serve no one but the sub. I find the whole thing distasteful.

If you serve me, it's to serve my needs.  If you are only interested in your own, you already lost my interest.  I'm not here to be a provider of your kink for you, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take on another job in my life, for example, milking your prostate every day.  Um, no.  If we are even going to pretend that this is about me, then this is not how it works at all.

I don't find taking on another job even remotely sexy.  I find a boy doing things for me without self interest, however, very sexy, very loving, and very appealing.

In his Words... Surrender

I've recently had the pleasure of spending time with a very sweet and intelligent boy that goes by the username, gorget.  I've asked him to share his thoughts on surrendering.


"Surrendering control, from my humble perspective, is essentially a contract between the two parties.


For the male, it is an acknowledgement that the woman is in the best position to make decisions for them both, given her higher emotional intelligence, greater empathy and more insightful social perception. She has a more wholesome blend of skills to manage the health of the relationship, free as she is from the selfish, short term thoughts that a man can suffer from as and when he thinks with his cock.


In submitting, the man is relieved of the burden of control, and in knowing that the woman's decisions are for the benefit of both it is a pleasure to obey. The arrangement builds trust and encourages communication, diminishing the chances of a lack of either wrecking the relationship as so many others fall prey to. The man will find an ever increasing respect and bond with the woman as she accepts him as a submissive, and the woman will be rewarded with increasing joy as the mutual happiness bears fruit and all barriers to intimacy are stripped away.


So, if the male and female have the courage together to defy the expectations of society in who should lead the relationship they open themselves up to the possibility of something so much greater than can otherwise be achieved. "


[Edit: Sadly it was not meant to be. Where there's one there ought to be more, yes?]

More on Compartmentalization & Psychology

I can understand why someone would say that they need to be able to compartmentalize to function.  I wasn't saying that anyone should completely do away with it completely.  I agree that everyone needs to be able to put away feelings, for example, at work because no one is going to just understand why you are a weepy mess at a business meeting.

I do, however, think that compartmentalization is a very bad way to deal with emotions at home.  Functional humans have to learn to understand their feelings and be able to express them in a healthy manner.  This is learned by women from birth.  You can learn it too.

Most women don't ever evolve to the point of being able to rationally explain exactly what they are feeling, nor do they ever learn that the silent treatment, for example, is not something men understand instinctually.  I, on the other hand, am both logical and emotional so I am able to explain exactly what I feel, why I feel it, and what I need to make it better.  What the man has to do in that situation is show me he understands why I'm upset and then provide the comfort I outlined.  Pretty simple really.

The compartmentalization can horribly trip men up when that's their sole way of dealing with hurt, and some actually expect women to basically handle their own emotions alone.  That's just not how we work as a species.  And really, men only do that because they are taught never to show vulnerability.  Well, I SEEK that vulnerability.  So the evolution of my partner requires that he learn the language of emotion, and not expect sex or pain or menial tasks as a proxy way to deal with problems.  I may want some additional atonement behaviors but generally that's after the emotional stuff is sorted.

I think men sometimes like bdsm because it seems like a simple answer to things.  That's not really reality, guys.  The business world, the military, and the legal system pretty much work that way, but relationships do not.  It's not x offense = y punishment.  And really if you think about it... even the legal system isn't really like that because were have civil law to provide compensation for damage done, because prison time is often just not enough.

Often the kink desires people have are just psychological needs that can be fulfilled in healthier ways, I think. And while I can't just give simple equations: humiliation = x emotion/need/whatever.  I can dig into that desire, find out it's root, and figure out where it comes from.  Maybe there's a healthier way to deal with it that actually provides more satisfaction than the kink might have.

I know, for example, my interest in marking my partner is related to feeling abandoned by my exhusband.  Physical displays of ownership make me feel safer.  A man wearing a chastity device while away from me also makes me feel safer.  The chastity devices also allow me to test my attractiveness to my partner, which is a turn on.  These needs can be handled other ways.  A man can behave in a way that is shows his loyalty which would over time inspire trust. 

Men aren't the best at being loyal, however, so perhaps physical restraints are necessary.  

Real Tantra: part 1

Woman is the creator of the universe the universe is her form; woman is the foundation of the world, she is the true form of the body. In woman is the form of all things, of all that lives and moves in the world. There is no jewel rarer than woman, no condition superior to that of a woman. -Shaktisangama Tantra


When a man solely worships a woman for the way his penis reacts to her, he has cheapened all women.  When a man beats or scolds or thinks himself superior to women, he is fighting against nature herself like child having a tantrum.  A man that cannot admit he has something to learn from women; he is the truest of fools. 


Men have built religions that honor maleness, placed male strengths as the highest ideals, and congratulated themselves for their position of power, but some are starting to see through the façade.  Doesn't it seem like they are trying to convince themselves?  It certainly seems that way to me.  


Ancient tantric yogis knew that woman was the first form of the body, and we sad creatures, it took us multiple millennia and science to figure out this simple biological fact.  Man is derivative.  He is an altered female.  It doesn't take much to see that.  

My history professor explained male anatomy through analogy.  He remembered growing up with the family Plymouth Fury.  He said that it came in two additions: the souped-up verison with the clock, the radio, and the cigarette lighter, and the base version which had metal plates over those three areas.  Boys, stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself why you have nipples.  They serve absolutely no biological function for men.  It's rather like the metal plates covering the missing mammary glands.  A woman creates a fully sustainable ecosystem within which to grow a new life... and the best you can manage is genetic material delivery.  The egg is the part that actually does all the work to form life.  Sperm are just chromosomes with propulsion. 


I'm not saying we don't need men or that men have no value.  I don't think that's fair at all.  I do, however, think that reassessment of our values is in order.  I think it is wrong to treat women as chattel to be locked away AND as constant sexual objects.... and if men are truly to worship women, it must be done for the right reasons.  Current BDSM practices do not do anything but allow men to constantly focus on their penis.  

Another Valentine's

Well, another Valentine's Day has passed.  I'm seriously fed up with online dating.  I'm disgusted with meat market the whole thing has become.  WTF is wrong with men that they see these websites as cheap stores to buy pussy (Domme/sub/vanilla, doesn't matter) for an evening.  The scammer game ought to be illegal, yet it's societally accepted as the woman's fault if she spreads her legs.  Or worse, she's a cock tease if she goes on the date and doesn't put out.  This is a disgusting mentality.

No one is entitled access to my body in exchange for a crap dinner at a restaurant!  If you want a cheap whore, go buy one!  Don't give me this fake, "I'm so interested in your conversation" bullshit when I can see in your eyes, "when will this bitch shut up and blow me/beat me?"  Um, never, dickhole, cuz I read your thoughts through your eyes... so guess what, I'm having another bottle of wine and dessert and you can go on your blue-balled way.

It's really not any different on the bdsm personnels.  Men want the wham-bam-thank you-ma'am version of a relationship everywhere.  They want all the sex/kink without all the trappings of the heart.  Well, gee, I'm so sorry you're too much of wimp to actually get involved, but I'm not interested in the bedroom with anyone until there's a commitment and feelings.

Shame on all of you that think that it's okay to trick naive women into being used for the evening.  Orgasms don't even enter into it.  You are still lying, using and leaving a woman.  Nothing makes that okay.  NOTHING.

Is love dead?  I seriously have to ask this.  Are you all so warped and jaded that you're too afraid to feel?  How is it that you manage to not have conscience about using another human being?  And worse, a woman?  I really want an answer to this, especially from a man that claims to worship women.

Before we take this any further....

It's been a while since I've posted here.  I guess I haven't been properly motivated with rage to warrant the type of catharsis that goes into my usual writing here.  Well today, you might say I've been properly inspired.

 So I finally get a worthwhile message on my "personals" (I put that in quotes for the retardation that is collarme), and it's from a professor who clearly has a brilliant mind, well-rounded in his interests, and even reads philosophy for fuck sake (my undergrad degree was in philosophy).  We have a brief but lovely discussion about economics and thinkers that shape who we are.  I can't think of a better way to start an dialogue with someone.  We seemed completely on the same page.  Then I did something dumb: I got my hopes up.

And then it comes, the line I dread on these stupid fucking asshole sites: "Before we take this any further..."  And you know nothing good is going to come after that opener.  Sure as shit he's already involved.  Well, why the fuck are you on this site then?  And WHY don't you say this on your profile?  But these are just rhetorical questions because I can venture a guess.

Either this guy is a) a wanker (see definition on post about types of guys that frequent BDSM personals sites) looking for fodder to pull his pud to, b) on the lookout for someone "better" than his current gf/wife, and/or in my case c) he's looking for intellectual stimulation because at home he finds none.  And as I said to him, if the latter is true then heaven help him.  Upon reflection, I'm guessing the correct A & C are the correct answers.

Congratulations, asshole.  You managed to become a time waster.  I should have known something wasn't right when your location was all screwy.  Fuck everything about you.  You don't deserve my time.  You don't deserve my company.  If you were looking for friends you should have said so in your first email.  It's up to ME to decide if I want to pursue that.  You have no right to spring that on me after the fact.

I'm seething with fury as this exact moment.  I could totally channel Tisiphone right now.  Google it.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 3

I received this message today on collarme.  Yah yah I know I should just delete this account.  I never log in so I sort dismissed the need to... anyway, when messages like the following pop up, I see it as a mass learning experience.  See the following:


Miss,
I'm a sub looking to find the right one to give myself to. I always strive to do everything I can to please the one I am serving. I can be a personal attendant, errand boy, maid, furniture, or anything else my Mistress might need. My limits are few and far between, as I believe the property of the one I am serving belongs to them, and they should decide what is done with me.
I especially enjoy giving myself up to strong, powerful, demanding women who know exactly what they want. If you think you might have any sort of use for me, I'd be honored to hear back from you.


In the first in this series of posts I discussed the generic emails that I have received in the past and the casting of wide nets.  This is a prime example of one of these letters.  Note that this person made absolutely no mention of anything in my profile, offered no distinguishing information to make it clear his interest was in me,  and spoke in as broad and general terms as possible.  He clearly is fishing.


While I understand that it would take a lot of time to write an individualized letter for someone that may never respond, it seems like your chances of getting a response should increase significantly if you did.  I'd like to think that women are smart enough to see through this.  Maybe I'm wrong since men still continue to do this.


This actually reminds me of the man that goes around the bar or party asking each woman if she will have sex with him.  While he may get slapped a lot, he must succeed often enough that he continues the tactic....


So perhaps my plead here has to start with the ladies.  Gals, please do not respond to this type of email no matter what he promises you.  A guy willing to send out this type of garbage email is does not and will never value you.  Have a bit more dignity than to honor this douchecanoe with more your time than he deserves.  He's out to use someone to have his fantasies fulfilled, nothing more.


If you haven't already, please answer a few questions for me.
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As Requested: My Perfect Partner

My perfect partner is strong but soft, deeply intellectual but tempered with emotional intelligence, may not be model attractive but has kind features and the attitude to match, sexy but not sex-obsessed, proud of his accomplishments but humble with me, refuses to be a doormat but wants to give me the world, understands and expresses his emotions, welcomes my support but isn't a chronic whiner, expects the best out of me but doesn't tear me down if I fail sometimes, would gladly spend every waking minute with me but grudgingly heads off to work responsibly, must touch some part of me at all times but doesn't make me feel like it's always leading somewhere, has an artistic side but doesn't want to be a starving artist (not accounting for the current nightmare recession), has a dry British sense of humor but knows when it is NOT appropriate to make a joke, has something to teach me but realizes he has even more to learn from me, treats my love everyday as a gift he doesn't deserve but accepts my reassurance that he does, willing to let his guard down to meld with me on many levels and doesn't run because he feels something.

He would have to be able to handle my sensitivity with grace and tact.  He'd have to be able to think through the implications of his words, yet convince me over time that I need not over think because I know he means well.  He needs to get me to trust him with my whole being.  He needs to earn that every moment of every day.

He has to go where he says he's going.  Call me when he is going to be late.  Be apologetic if late.  Explain the delay, and ask for my forgiveness.  Preferably bring flowers.  And he should NEVER stand me up (ie. you better be dead or have a relative die for you not show up).

He should always be thinking about how to make me happy.  He should learn my needs through our conversations, and he should put those needs ahead of his own.

In a fight, he should NOT fly off the handle.  He should not say things he can't take back.  He should not storm off, rave like a lunatic, or make every fight an excuse to try to end the relationship.  He should focus on calming me down, not me have to chase him to calm him down.  He should listen to reason just as easily as listening to my feelings about things (even things he's done wrong).

He should not want/need a "night out with the boys", but rather want to involve me in whatever activities I want to be involved in.  He shouldn't want to "get away" from me.  He should want to participate in my activities as well.

If we talk about a matter we disagree on, he should not try to overpower me to win the argument but rather use gentle, humble reasoning to win me over.  Aggression in a man is not attractive at home.  A little sexual aggression is acceptable, however, but he has to learn when and how much.

He should wish to hug me tightly in bed at night, and not prefer to have been alone.  He should want to share all of himself with me, all his thoughts, his hopes and dreams, his needs and desires, his fears,  his ambitions, everything....  AND he should listen to the same from me as well.... whenever I need to share it.

He should let me in to see him as he really is, and not the facade he portrays to the rest of the world.  He should want that we be one in every way that is conceivably possible for two humans, and not strive to keep his autonomy.  He should accept my leadership the way I naturally lead, and not how he's been fantasizing it should occur.

He should accept his place as my first mate (sailing lingo).  He should take primary role in the kitchen as sous chef.  He should be prepare to do at least half of the household chores, and preferably the ones I find most distasteful.  He should fetch me things when I need them.  He should be the one to shut out the light at night.  He should be prepared to wear some symbol beyond a wedding band that shows my ownership.  He should put me and the health of the couple first, in his thoughts, his actions, his ambitions.

He should not be selfish.  He should be honorable.  He should believe in helping those less fortunate.  He should donate, volunteer, or both.  He should believe that honesty is the best policy (but be wise enough to know when to temper honesty with tact).  He should love his mother, have a good role model in his father, or at least strive to make up for either.  He should be agnostic, or at least be able to defend a position of faith with something other than circular logic.  He should honor his culture but value universal human rights.  He should give up his seat on the bus for the elderly.  He should strive to know more and to be more than he is.  He should read.  He should be okay with sharing the big spoon/little spoon positions.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online Part 2

If this is pic resembles your behavior when chatting, messaging, emailing, or in any way contacting a woman without her express permission for you to do so, you are behaving completely contrary to being the respectful, subby you claim to be.  If you troll collarme or some other sites looking for any woman to talk to for wank material,  you are a manipulative, self-centered user.  You are NOT, I repeat NOT, a SUBMISSIVE.  What you are doing is akin to abuse, and something women all over the net need to become aware of.

The term "time-waster" is sort of an umbrella term for lots of douchebag behavior, including but not limited to: wasting someone's time with promises for meeting but never intending to and wasting someone's time for wank purposes.  But that sounds so much more benign than it actually is.  This is deliberate manipulation for sexual purposes... sounds a bit like rape, doesn't it?  Maybe not quite that severe but I definitely see it as destructive, manipulative,  abusive, selfish, and exploitive.

Women are aware that men like this are out there.  They talk all the time about how annoyed they are that they got "duped" again by some asshole that wasted their night only to not live up to their promises. Often women will try to "feel out" the situation hoping to catch the wanker before he gets to finish, thereby ruining his good time.

I, for one, as completely disgusted with this behavior.  It's one thing if you seek out chatrooms where two people meet with the same agenda, it's something entirely else if you are using someone's time to beat your pud.  Shame on you, reader, if you have done this to anyone.

I'm so tired of this behavior that I'm trigger happer.  I rip into anyone speaking even hypothetically about sex.  It's unfortunate, but true.  I just don't trust men online anymore until they prove themselves to not be an asshole.

I can't tell you how many times I got used over the years on collarme because I was too naive to understand what was going on.  I'd get a message for a guy with no profile or half a profile looking to "talk" and inevitably the discussion would lead to likes and dislikes (the real wankers usually looking to skip right to the end).  This would just as quickly lead to a sudden disappearance act or a "I've got to go but I'll talk to you soon" (reminiscent of "I'll call you").  And that would be it.  He'd disappear, maybe even block me.  And while I was attempting to open up to this person I thought was seeking my conversation, he was using me for a good time.  So I think quite fairly I've become quite a bit guarded.

I laid into a guy recently for talking about male orgasm (Tantric teachings) with me, partially because he told me something I already know as if he was teaching me something (which irritates the hell out of me), but mostly because he said that not ejaculating was going to make my partner "more submissive" and that he's want to "provide me with ritual oral" every morning.  DID I OR DID I NOT make it clear in MANY posts thus far that I do NOT agree with the FLR orgasm denial bullshit?  DID I OR DID I NOT mention that I don't think that sex has ANYTHING to do with being in charge?  So either he didn't bother to read my entire blog or he was looking to start a conversation about sex with me.  This sends up flaming red flags, and I admittedly blasted him... probably unnecessarily.  Still he was out of line to assume I didn't know what he knew.  That's hubris, and I won't have it.

For the record, I don't want sex every day.  I want it when I want it.... which varies and is perhaps more than the average but by no means as often as an "everyday ritual".  Good grief.  Did I not say I don't want a regimented lifestyle?  Ya know, reader, it would be wise to brush up on what I have talked about in the past to not piss me off in email....  just a thought.

Please take a few minutes to answer my survey if you haven't already:
http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22D44C3WRD4
I'm going to keep mentioning it until you answer it so you might as well get it over with.  It doesn't take that long, and this one doesn't require you to sign up.

How Not to Approach a Domme... or Any Woman Online

If there are any ladies reading this, I'm sure I will get a collective "amen" to this one...

I can't count how many emails, dating site messages, et cetera I've gotten since, I dunno, 2004-ish that sounded like a madlibs job application/cover letter:

"I really liked your profile/blog.  You sound like a _________ person.

I have been looking for a woman exemplifies _________, _________, and _________.  I also enjoy _______, ________, and _______.   Perhaps we could meet sometime at ________ over a glass/cup of _____."

If this is how you go about online dating it's really no wonder why you haven't been successful.  If you have been casting the wide proverbial net to random attractive women on the internets then you deserve to fail.

Finding a life partner is not like a database query.  You don't enter variables and expect to have connection with someone.  Human chemistry is something you can neither predict nor force.  It's not a mathematical equation.

So what's the problem with diversifying, you ask?  (Nothing if you are buying stocks.)  I shows you aren't really interested in any of the women you have contacted.  And we know that.  We can tell from the tone of the email.  It sounds like a form letter.  You might as well put "Dear Sir or Madam" or "To Whom It May Concern" cuz it sure sounds like that already.

If you like something I've written here on my blog and you would like to approach me, how about writing to me and telling me just that?  Tell me what you liked and why.  Tell me why you dis/agree and what you think about the same subject.  Then move into something more personal.  It at least shows me that you are actually reading what I write.

Do not, however, assume that you know anyone simply by their writings.  Filling in gaps with your own wishful thinking will only make for a very distorted picture.  I, for example, am honestly not as angry as I appear in many of my posts.  This is a venting space for my grievances, often at specific individuals.


Please take the time to answer a few questions in a very short survey I've created.  It should take you all of 5 minutes max.  [edit: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22D44C3WRD4]  Just click the link provided.  

Pygmalion called. He wants his statue back.

I happened upon this song, and it sparked the following post.
O-Town - Liquid Dreams  Listen.  Or just read the lyrics here.

How often is it that men are seeking in a mate some reproduction of a movie starlet poster they jerked off to as teen?  How many think they somehow deserve a woman more attractive than they genuinely match?  How many, for that matter, care more for a pretty package than brain or even personality?

As Wikipedia tells it: "In Ovid's narrative, Pygmalion was a Cypriot sculptor who carved a woman out of ivory. According to Ovid, after seeing the Propoetides prostituting themselves (more accurately, they denied the divinity of Venus and she thus ‘reduced’ them to prostitution), he was 'not interested in women', but his statue was so fair and realistic that he fell in love with it.

In time, Venus (Aphrodite)'s festival day came, and Pygmalion made offerings at the altar of Venus. There he quietly wished that his ivory sculpture would be changed to a real woman. When he returned home, he kissed his ivory statue and found that its lips felt warm. He kissed it again and touched her breasts with his hand and found that the ivory lost its hardness. Venus had granted Pygmalion's wish."

I seems like every man is hoping that Venus will grant him his wish for his statuesque representation of a woman.  But what was this woman that Venus created beyond beautiful?  Pygmalion does not know her.  He only knows that she is receptive to his sexual advances.  The story continues that they marry and have a child.  Nothing is said about the nature of the statue woman.

It seems to be likewise in male fantasy.  She is beautiful and sexually available.  She's not complicated or emotional.  She's not needy.  She doesn't talk much unless she's trying to seduce or only on topics you enjoy.  She's also........... not real.  The point of the story should not be a happily ever after but rather a horrible mismatch.  The reality is human relations are really complicated, emotional, and messy..... even D/s ones.  You can't avoid that.  

What is beauty?  Is it what Hollywood tells you is beautiful?  Is it something everyone agrees with?  Is it historical?  Is it biological?  Is it evolutionary?  Is it a product of culture?  Or is it entirely in the eye of the beholder?  

I can say for certain that it isn't historical.  At one time, a woman of ample size was considered the most desirable, and now this culture seems to have an affinity for tomboyish athleticism.  Human beings all differ in size and shape.  Even the models don't look like the images on magazine after the makeup artistry and photoshopping creates the illusion of our culturally accepted perfection.  What I'm saying is don't chase illusion.  You are unlikely to find it.  And the more time you spend alone believing you deserve this illusion as your reality, the more you convince yourself you can wait to make a meaningful connection with another human being.  

A hundred years ago, a beauty was the best of what was available in your town.  Now as the distance barrier is removed and airbrushing changes standards, the concept of beauty has become something unattainable, and men think that if they flip through enough profile photos online that they will find that magic someone that meets all their criteria.  I'm here to tell you that you will fail... as long as you hold standards that impossible to meet.

Women are not sexual objects to be bought and sold.  If you have been treating us as such, you are no sub.  You are man with a problem.  In the end you will not find what you are seeking, instead you will end up old and bitter.... for not attaining the trophy.  You don't deserve us if you think this way.

How and Why Guys Compartmentalize

I found this on website.  The rest of the site is pointless but this particular bit is worth a read.  I think it explains a lot.

"You've probably noticed how men are eager to put difficult situations behind them and 'moving on'.

From your perspective it may look like he just doesn't want to deal with negativity...and that would be a pretty accurate read of the situation.

Men's ability to do this is called compartmentalization.

Compartmentalization refers to an ability to divide something up into segments or parts as a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed by all the stress in our lives.

Because men have little training when it comes to their emotional world,men have perfected the art of segmenting or compartmentalizing their difficult feelings away from their awareness in order to deal with their immediate survival needs...

one chunk at a time.

This is very valuable when it comes to making decisions that need to be made from a rational, logical perspective.

When it comes to survival, this is a very useful skill set and defines to a large degree one of men’s better talents.

It can of course also become a liability when it comes to having a guy define his feeling state at any particular moment, in that...

accessing the compartmentalized feelings that are necessary for him to make an emotional connection with his wife or girlfriend can be a very difficult thing to do.

Because we as men don't stay aware of these separated feelings, we tend to think (and hope) that they don't exist...

and so we minimize whatever it is we do feel–-especially when it comes to anger, sadness, fear, and shame.

It’s not that these feelings don’t occur.

They are there for every human guy, even if it is difficult for him to identify them in the moment.

But what needs to happen is for him to have the desire to contribute his part of the emotional connection to the relationship.

Again, when it comes to giving relationship advice for women, the best thing to remember is that...

when your man is 'in his cave', or quiet and unresponsive, or unwilling to talk about the tough issues you both are facing...

it means he is compartmentalizing as a way to protect himself from feeling something emotionally vulnerable."

Why did I post this?  Because I hear a lot from the men in the bdsm community that they want a woman to want them but not need them.  This is utter horse shit and the above appears to be why.  They don't want to get hurt so they think if they just get their fantasies fulfilled that's enough to complete them. WRONG, dumbass.